Rant Thread

[Deviant Kitten]

EPS and Dis - I'm sorry to hear of your losses. I know that you don't know me very well, but if it means anything you are both in my thoughts. Much love - Deviant xxxxx

[Wise Child]

E_P_S, I'm so sorry to hear that you're losing a loved one. Hang in there. *sends you pretty things like kitties and rainbows*

[JuliaGaltic]

Oh EPS, I don't know what to say honey. I know it's a sad time, but if it helps at all, I will be praying for you, your family, and I'll be praying that your grandma is in a better place and had an easy time crossing over to where ever it is we go.

My thoughts are with you, feel free to PM me or send me an instant message. If you ever want my cell phone number, feel free to ask for that as well. 4am, it doesn't matter. Any time you need to talk, I'm here.

*big bear hug and a kiss on the forehead*

[tekajo]

It is times like this that i wish i were more eloquent with words.

Just know that my heart sincerely goes out to you both, EPS and Dis.

If there is anything that i can do, just let me know.

[Lackluster_Heavens]

EPS and Dis, let me say i'm very sorry for your losses and I know what your going though, in my short time on this earth I have lost a brother, a father, and both sets of my grandparents, all when I was old enough to remeber all the funerals. So my deepest sorrow for your losses. I hope for them to find a better place, and for you two to find peace and happiness.

[Disfunction]

I keep trying to think of something to say, anything to say, but I'm lacking in anything, in any sense. So I'll just try to get something out there, even if it's minimal.

Firstly, thank you to everyone for your kind words. It means a lot to me. I know that I'm going to work through this and it will be just fine... because this is the kind of sadness that I almost seem to welcome when it comes. It's natural. It's understandable. In time, it will go away and it'll just be a faint thought. I wasn't close enough to my grandmother to warrant excessive amounts of tears, but... still. For those who know of me and my emotional history, though, I just wanted to make sure that no one worried about me going to an extreme because of it.

Secondly.. EPS, I'm really sorry that this had to happen to you as well. Death seems to be creeping around this season among friends like it's got to reach a quota. My thoughts and whatever secular equivalent I have to prayers are with you.

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

I really don't know what to say..

It all seems like a terrible fucking dream..

I didn't even know she had gotten sick again until last night, hours before she died. All because no one wanted to worry me, because worry and stress make the disease I have flare up much worse. I can barely walk from one room to the other right now. But I told them I could do it, would do it. I don't care how ill I am, I want to be there..

And Now She's Just Gone..

I didn't get to talk to her..

I didn't get to tell her how much we love her, how much she's meant to us..

She died holding my Mom's hand, moments after my Mom and the rest of the family finished reading the 23rd Psalm to her from the Bible.

It was apparently very Peaceful and she just quietly let go when they reached the end of the Psalm.

My Parents won't let me attend the funeral, because they are afraid that I will end up in the Hospital if I try and make the trip in the condition I am in currently. I am absolutely crushed that I can't be there to say Goodbye to her. I can't be there for my Mom. I can't be there for the rest of my family. I can only sit here in this useless crippled body and mourn.

It's not right, I should be there when they bury her. Not here 2300 miles away..

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers, it means alot.

Dis, I'm here if you need me and I appreciate your Warm Thoughts as well..

It just doesn't seem real..

Could someone please just wake me and tell me this is all a Bad Dream?

Fucking Sob...

[edible_eye]

if there's anything i'm happy about, it's the fact you both had a grandmother who enriched your life in a positive way. you'll always have memories of the happiness she brought to each of you and after the initial shock and sadness of her passing has waned, you'll be left with the beauty she's contributed to both your lives. it's a priceless gift, having the love and experience of a family member who's lived through so much and was there for you if you should have turned to her for advice, guidance or just some love.

i'm happy you both had that in your life and every kind word, glance or touch she's ever given will forever be locked within your hearts.

my grandmother passed last year and i have nothing kind to say - not to make this about me because that's not my point.

my point is, once you've mourned her passing in whatever way serves your hearts and minds, think back on her and all the beauty she brought to you - as a child, as a teen, as an adult. her smile will be there, in your soul, thanking you for recalling her with such fondness - and remembering her love. that's the gift she gave to both of you, a gift that will never die.

[Disfunction]

I got that first part about shit-faced down already thanks in part to my roommate.

[Disfunction]

I rarely drink as a form of escapism, and never when depressed... but tonight is one of those rare occasions of necessity.

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Thank You All..

Right now I am simply Frozen Inside, and about to be slobbering drunk.

The last 24 hours seem like some sort of Kafkaesque nightmare..

*pours two shots*

Here ya go Dis..

To Our Grandmothers;
May they find Joy in whatever awaits them on their Journey..

Salut.

[WolfMoon]

EPS and Dis, I'm so sorry that you're both mourning at this time.

I really don't know what to say, I care and I'd hug you both to pieces if you were right here with me.

*HUGZHUGZHUGZHUGZHUGZHUGZ*

*steals Dis's shot*

I needed that! And about 20 more...

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Thank you to everyone for being so supportive..

The Viewing & The Wake is tonight and I won't be there..

The Funeral is tommorrow, and I won't be there..

It's fucking killing me inside..

I ordered a big Spring Flower Wreath, because MiMi loved Spring Flowers the best.

So my Wreath will be there, and I will be here 2300 miles away..

I can honestly say I have never hated my body MORE than I do right now.

If I wasn't so fucking crippled, I could be there.. If everyone wasn't so worried about me ending up in the hospital if I try and make the trip, I would be there..

I want to say Goodybye to her, one last time.. Sob.. It's just not right. Not fucking right.

Why can't my body just let me do this one thing?

Is that really so much to ask?

Sob..

[succubus,queenofvampires]

I'm really sorry,EPS and Disfunction, for your losses. This sure is hard for both of you...
*Hugs EPS and Dis tightly*

[Iriacynthe]

EPS, even if you're far away from her, there will always be a piece of your grandmother's personality inside of you. I can imagine how hard it is that you're not able to go to the funeral, but there you can only find her body, not the great person your grandmother was. A funeral is a good way to say goodbye, but there are many other ways.

It may sound silly because I've only been on this board for a very short time and I don't really know you and Disfunction, but I do feel bad for the two of you, and I sincerely hope my words can relieve some of your pain, even if it's only a very little bit.

Here's a text they read at my fathers funeral, it made me feel slightly better, and I hope it will have the same effect on you. My translation is quite terrible, but I assume you don't understand Dutch, so I'll try to make it, well, understandable.

It's nonsense, says reason.
It is what it is, says love.
It's bad luck, says calculation.
It's only pain, says fear.
It's hopeless, says insight.
It is what it is, says love.
It's ridiculous, says pride.
It's frivolous, says prudence.
It's impossible, says experience.
It is what it is, says love.

[Blushing Heliophobe]

EPS and Dis - I don't know what to say. I've never been any good at this - but I am so sorry. It hurts to know that you have to go through this. It's so difficult to lose someone you love, and I can't imagine the frustration that you are going through - EPS - at not being able to be there physically.

EPS - You are feeling caged in by your body right now, but please remember that even if you can't be there in body, you can be there emotionally for the ones you love. Just because your beloved gradmother can't be here for you in body anymore doesn't mean that her essence and spirit has left you. When my grandfather passed, I still knew that he was there. And so your family knows that your body isn't there with them, but your heart is.

I can't hug you guys or be there for you, but please know that you have a friend in England who's keeping you in thought and in prayer.

Concerning the breastfeeding issue - the husband and I talked about it, and if I don't get a control-tower type job that I'm interviewing for this week; I'm going to get out of the military. Everything they're doing is legal; it's just frustrating because I'm used to having my choices taken away from me but I'm really upset at having the ability to care for my baby as I want to taken away from me and then being ridiculed for it. I'm scared to get out of the military financially because my husband doesn't make too much (we'll qualify for food stamps and WIC off of his paycheck) but I think it's the right choice for Connor and me. Thank you to everyone for your fellow outrage; I was wondering of my boss was right and I was just being selfish and trying to have everything my way.

[tekajo]

Complacency is utter evil.

i must be consciously aware of each step that i make. Literally.

Ten years ago i completely tore the acl in my left knee. Not a problem the doctors said. Rehab should fix you right up, they said. Before rehab was complete i did some stupid shit and tore more ligaments in the same knee. Now, pain allowed, my left knee can bend in all directions. i must be consciously aware of each step that i make.

Three years after the intitial injury, i ripped up the miniscus in my right knee during a fight. The torn miniscus behaves just like the torn acl.

Two fucked knees that never got better. i know it's my own fault for not working on getting my legs to half ass decent shape, but that somabitch depression kicked in and i said screw it all. Now, i must be consciously aware of each step that i make.

It slipped my mind this morning.

i got down to the second to last dew moistened step this morning when my right foot slipped putting my left knee in an awkward position as well as bearing all of the load. It buckled. Folded underneath me in a way that should not be possible unless i was a contortionist.

Blinding fucking pain. In my mind i know that the pain on this level only lasts a few minutes, but for those few minutes it is hard to breathe between the "mother fuckers".

It takes fifteen minutes to get back into the house. Put the knee brace on that i should have been wearing, but this hasn't happened to me in years. Complacency. That fucker.

Now i'm not even sure if i'll be able to go and do the "Ohio Job" which is next Monday.

i can feel shit popping and grating in my knee as i try to walk.

FUCK.

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

I'm sorry Teka. If it helps any we can limp together...

Maybe we can both get one of those nifty canes that has a sword/flask on the inside in an Uber Secret Compartment?

Please take your ass back to the ER if you haven't been already. Doesn't matter if you don't have Insurance or not, they have to see you and treat you by Federal Law. You don't want to end up having to get Knee Replacement surgery, because you didn't get treatment in a timely manner.

Look at it this way, least you'll get some groovy pain meds. And with the amount of pain I imagine you are in, you need them. Please go to the doctor. Don't be a tough guy.

We love ya man, holler if you need anything..

*Big Hugs*


Thanks to everyone, and particularly Iriacynthe for sharing such a private moment with me. Means alot. The Poem was beautiful. I would like to see it in Dutch as well, if you care to share sometime.

As I type this, they are laying my Grandmother to rest 2300 miles away..

Sob...

Everyone in the Family has been very kind about me not being there, but it still hurts so bad. I know all that remains is her shell, but the selfish part of me feels like my Goodbyes should be in person, where her body remains. I should be there when they return her to the Earth. I should be holding my Mom's hand. I should be there to throw an Iris in the grave as they lower her body. I should be there to say a few words about her and what she meant to all of us and me.

So many "I Should's"..

I'm trying not to blame myself for being too weak to travel, but I'm failing miserably.

Everyone keeps saying she wouldn't want me to take a risk like that for her with my health. My Mom said the last time they spoke of me, my Grandma said all she wanted was for me to be "Healthy & Happy". She said she could also tell that my son had been raised well by me, and she was very proud of me for being such a good Mother. I just wanted to kiss her cheek one more time, and tell her I love her.

Sob...

I really can't believe she's gone.. I just can' t believe it.


Good bye Grandma...We Will Always Miss You and Love You..Siempre..

[Iriacynthe]

*Hugs EPS*

Here's the poem in Dutch:

Het is onzin zegt het verstand
Het is wat het is zegt de liefde
Het is ongeluk zegt de berekening
Het is alleen maar verdriet zegt de angst
Het is uitzichtloos zegt het inzicht
Het is wat het is zegt de liefde
Het is belachelijk zegt de trots
Het is lichtzinnigheid zegt de voorzichtigheid
Het is onmogelijk zegt de ervaring
Het is wat het is zegt de liefde

I'm glad it meant something for you, and I hope every time you read it, it will take away a little bit of your pain.

[tekajo]

Originally Posted by Empty_Purple_Stars

Don't be a tough guy.

What? Go to the hospital for *winces* this little pain?
i have my Ibruprofen 800mg, so i'm good with the pain for the moment, i just need to be able to walk again by next Monday, which is about how long it usually takes for my old decrepid knee to get back in working order.

i know i should carry my ass to LSU-Medical Center, but all i would get there are three X-Rays, maybe an MRI, see the doc for about ten minutes and then get some Aspirin.

Thanks for the big hug.

[mydnyght]

did n e body hear the news about g. bush's latest round with Pagans? well, after Pagan rights have been established now for years, mr. bush is attempting to repeal those rights thru congress...apparently he doesn't feel that we (Pagans) have any rights or claim to the first amendment.

[Reject_Bunnies]

No offense or anything,mydnyght....but are you sure that you're in College?

[Wise Child]

E_P_S, it's a total golden oldie and you've probably come across it before, but it's helped me through some shitty times of loss. Thinking of you in this awful time. (Iriacynthe - good idea. Sometimes, some poet already said it better than we can.)

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow;
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Thank you again to everyone, for being here for me..

Iria, I saved the Dutch along with the English translation of the poem. Thank you for sharing that, it's really beautiful and so is the sentiment behind it.

Originally Posted by Wise Child

E_P_S, it's a total golden oldie and you've probably come across it before, but it's helped me through some shitty times of loss. Thinking of you in this awful time. (Iriacynthe - good idea. Sometimes, some poet already said it better than we can.)

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow;
I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.

*sob*

Thank You so very much...

I am going read that to my Mom when she calls after the Funeral. I read it outloud as well, for myself just now. It's beautiful and perfect, and completely representative of what I believe. Big Squeezy Hugs to you for reminding me of those lovely words, at such a painful time.

*smooches*



Thanks again to everyone for their Prayers and Support.. Don't know what I would do without you guys. Every one of you is so special to me and I am Blessed to have such great friends..

*Spine Crunching Hugs For All*

[Twisted Ducky]

Yet another week of wasted hours in wooden torture chairs. Constantly scribbling down
useless information so that we might just maybe have some sort of whats now
called a 'future' in a wonderfully messed up place they call the 'world'.

Yet another week of people acting like I'm going to freak out and kill them all just because I'm to damned different for there pathetic brainwashed minds. Not to bad of a idea, but life forbids it. If I ever wish for the pleasure of happiness again I must control my wonderfully temper.

Yet another week of wondering why I wake in the morning. Wash, dress, and force what they now must call food for one to eat it down my throat. Walk out the front door and wait for a steel tube filled with the screaming offspring of beings I have never met.

And yet, another week, of wondering where the hell that stupid chick came up with the damned nickname 'Gothica'. I've grown accustomed to the names of Gothic, and Goth Girl. But Gothica sounds so damn kinky, why she doesn't just call me by my birth given name or the usual nicknames if unknown.

Suicide is out of the question, for I have things to live for, I am yet still young. Even if there is little left to truly live for in this world, I have found what I need to keep myself away from the guns, pills, razor blades. The windows and cliffs, all those things that in one moment, can remove you from the world.

Life is no more then a curving road, pitted with potholes, scared with cracks. All ways the constant danger of falling rocks and trees, Or the sheer sides that drop so suddenly, and go down and down forever. As we walk this road we encounter tragedies, and hardships. We find places were we feel as if we could never make it threw. For some, they are killed on this road, for others, they just throw them selfs over the edge. But still they're are those who make it to the end. The end of life, the end of everything. When your heart stops, your brain sleeps, and for you, all secess to exist.

I'm not sure if I made any sense, but I do feel better now.