One Big Happy Family

[bleedingheart344]

There they were, the typical American family. Little did everyone know that the heart-wrenching tragedy that went on in their very own basement was far from typical. The boy's sobs were the only sound within the cavernous, mold-ridden basement. His fingers trailed across his ribs, so apparant that they were an artist's twisted xylophone. His tears painfully mixed with the blood from the fresh wounds upon what used to be an innocent child's face. The boy lived in endless fear of what was going to happen to him next.

This sick family was simply setting the table when Jack, the father of this filth of a family, heard a glimpse of the boys pitiful sobs. Jack went down to the basement, the sight of his blood-soaked, weeping child pleasing him. The boy could only wimper at the sight of this monster that used to be a loving father to him. Jack let out a horrendous cry before violently kicking the boy, slamming his already skeleton-like body against the damp, moldy walls. The boy screamed the most bloodcurdling of all screams, but to no avail. Although the brutal attack was short, the boy was left coughing up blood and writing in pain.

It seemed as though he were dead, the grotesque sound of his father's yells still fresh in his ears as he lay softly sobbing in a pile of coagulated blood. Just as the boy felt as if there were nothing left, he saw the most wonderous sight his eyes have ever gazed upon. It was a beautiful angel. "It is over," she said, her lyrical voice a euphony to his ears. "you are free..."

As these heavenly words echoed in his ers, the boy layed in her arms, and with one final breath, he went limp and lifeless in her arms, forever safe.

[bleedingheart344]

One thing, just for clarification, the angel signifies death.

[DarkHeartedDemoness]

All right, I'm going to be a bit harsh, love. Don't worry, I'll still love you in the morning.

There they were, the typical American family. Little did everyone know...

Definitely not my favorite first line. In fact, it kind of made me want to stop reading right there. A.) I don't want to read about the typical American family, and b.) The whole hiding-our-skeletons-in-the-closet thing has been done to death, particularly recently. I see that sentence and think, Oy, this story is going to be a cliche.

One thing, just for clarification, the angel signifies death.

If you have to say so, dear, that means you don't think you were clear enough in the first place or else you think your readers are dolts.

artist's twisted xylophone

I'm not sure this particular comparison makes sense. I would use a different metaphor if I were you.

...what used to be an innocent child's face...

I like this line! It's a very powerful image.

heard a glimpse of the boys pitiful sobs

"glimpse" isn't really the best word here... It implies a visual, and I don't think that's what you meant to imply.

This sick family... the father of this filth of a family

Too judgemental. You probably would rather imply than say it straight-out.

The boy screamed the most bloodcurdling of all screams,

melodramatic. Describe the scream, say it was ear-shattering, say something about a scream of pure agony and anguish, but don't say "the most... of all..."


What's the story behind the abuse, by the way? Why was he singled out from the rest of the family? It would be good to go into that somewhere.

Lastly, the angel bit is beautiful. Very reminiscent of The Little Match Girl. Maybe it would be good to clarify that someone found his broken little body alone, so that it was clear that the Angel was a metaphor rather than an actual being.

[bleedingheart344]

Quite fair, DarkHeartedDemoness. What writer doesn't like criticism here and there . Not sure why I put glimpse there, I typed this up at 5:30 in the morning. I just put the whole angel signifies death thing just so I wouldn't have to deal with explaining it later. Which, as you said, would mean that I would need to be a bit more descriptive. I shall make revisions to it and possibly post a new version within this thread when I do.

[cradle]

I like it...plain and simple...

[cradle]

I especially liked the way you described the child, verry dark and descriptive...

[Crying_Crimson_Tears]

Not my favorite. It's so simple and plain, and very much a cliche. I don't know. Some of the metaphors you used though were very nice.

[DarkHeartedDemoness]

Originally Posted by bleedingheart344

Quite fair, DarkHeartedDemoness. What writer doesn't like criticism here and there .

Glad you took it well, many would have grown defensive. A good writer can take constructive criticism and continue with their art, often the better for it.

[HumanePain]

My dear DarkHearted one: I agree with some of your critique, but I noticed, you have never posted even a single story or poem.

I critique my fellow posters here on G.net too, but I critique from the perspective of a writer, not just a reader. Just thought I would critique the critique!

BleedingHeart: Keep Writing!!! It takes practice, writing and writing and writing, but well worth it, as you probably already know. As you explore describing the images in your mind, you will not only learn how to paint with more vivid colors, but you will also begin to enlarge your imagination. Don't get discouraged!

[DarkHeartedDemoness]

Originally Posted by HumanePain

My dear DarkHearted one: I agree with some of your critique, but I noticed, you have never posted even a single story or poem.

I critique my fellow posters here on G.net too, but I critique from the perspective of a writer, not just a reader. Just thought I would critique the critque!

I could've sworn I posted a poem in the poetry thread... I'll go check.

[HumanePain]

(slaps own face with a SMACK! )

My sincere apologies dear. And it is not shitty, I like it, it tugs at the incurable romantic in me. Hope you write more!

[DarkHeartedDemoness]

Just for you, I dug up one of the beginnings I had to a short story. I'll be posting it shortly, and I fully expect everyone to be as harsh with me as I was with them.