Opinions Welcomed

Altemese · 03-25-2010, 04:10 PM

OK so I just started poetry. My mom said it is a good way to get thoughts out of my head. and so far she has been right. So here are three pieces I have written. Give your honest opinion on them. they will be really appreciated. : ~ )
I <3 U All.

This piece has no title. You figure it out.
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Un-desired emotions can drive you made.
Membranes clashing in the head, body members dead.
Heart beats dread the next beat. Can't keep up with the beat of the leashed organs pain.
Sustain I can't. Breath I must to over come, sir-cum, prevail, ex-hale.
Time postponed. Now I'm all alone with my thoughts.
They assault me in ways unimaginable to the soul.
Cold & naked they have become.
Dangerous if acted out.
The weight is to heavy. To much to bare. Unaware. But I really don't care.
Never scared of the out come. Just frightened of the response responding to the act that was never acted upon.
Scorned emotions, scorned heart, scorned life aren't far apart.
Tolling with options.
Un-educated of life. In spite of the pain, crying, & sorrow of the endless nights.
My feelings sore like kites. Pints of them float in the water.
In order for them to replenish me. Me, the one with un-desired emotions.
I have oceans upon oceans. Waves hitting my shore.
Sworn to never love. Sworn of scorn & bitterness. Sworn of un-desired emotion.

Does He Know?

I sit here and wonder does he know I exist?
That I long for his touch and kiss?
I sit & stare from a distance.
My nervousness always presistance.
My heart is a beating drum.
When I see him, think of him, hear of him.
In fact, he's the reason it's beating like a drum now, because I'm writing about him.
Oh why can't I talk to him.
My heart is about to spill out of my chest.
But I can't compose myself when I'm near him.
Will I ever gather enough nerve to approach him.
Do I dear attempt.
But he will never know, He will never know that.....
I love him.

What Is Love?

What it love?
Is it an emotion with the sound of devotion attached a notion that makes hearts relapse?
It is a thesis? with questions that never needed an answer, or a theory that only filled voids that could not be emptied at the same time with vacant thoughts, & equated loss of words?
can it be proven with facts of proven acts?
is love when you finish each other sentences & yell for senseless reasons?
love does not hurt, it does not burn, but it yarns for a desire that only your love knows.
never leave it alone, it will rack the sanity of ones reason.
love grows like the flower on your window sill in the summer & it will never change with the season.
it just moves with time & finds more evidence that is relevant.
love flows like the Nile river, strong & bold.
it never gets cold nor old. it's perfect in every way.
but love is that woman, that man, that thing they do when they look at you.
love is keen, & it gives you keen sense of dominant powers that devour all acts of childish thoughts.
love is you.
love is i.
love is we.
and this love will last for eternity.
can't you see what i mean?
love is golden.
worth so much more than words can be spoken.
that is what love is.

Well there they are. I really did write these myself. So what do you guys think?

JCC · 03-25-2010, 04:37 PM

Read more poetry.

why do u say that?

JCC · 03-25-2010, 05:27 PM

Because it will improve your writing and hopefully teach you that any poem with lines like "Oh why can't I talk to him" are like a dagger in the heart of literature.

Luv2H8 · 03-25-2010, 05:49 PM

Meh, I've seen these types among others; so, I'm not really impressed. Very common.
Try changing styles or try using metaphors. Symbolism works,too.

And I agree with JCC; read more poetry. It'll give you some sort of inspiration.
What I do is listen to Slayer for half an hour before writing. You should try that.

Altemese · 03-25-2010, 06:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JCC

Because it will improve your writing and hopefully teach you that any poem with lines like "Oh why can't I talk to him" are like a dagger in the heart of literature.

ok. thanks for the tip. and Luv2H8 i like to listen to classical music a lot. so hopefully that will inspire me a little. thanks these tips are helpful. when i engage them, i'll make sure to post me new work. : )

Luv2H8 · 03-25-2010, 07:34 PM

Remember to lay off the teenage angst. Nobody likes that.

Saya · 03-25-2010, 07:40 PM

You should also read up on the mechanics of poetry (rhythm, meter, etc), free verse can be good but a big problem with your poems aside from subject matter is that they're all over the place, and the words and phrases aren't good enough to make up for that. A bad poem in free verse can make me cringe but a bad poem in lets say iambic pentameter doesn't seem as bad, usually. Maybe because it shows more effort was put into it and its easier to follow.

I'm really bad at poetry myself, but what I did when I wrote it was I kept a notebook and just wrote poems about anything just to try and practice different types of poems. I like to recommend The Ode Less Traveled by Stephen Fry, it can get a little dry but explains different types of poetry very well and has plenty of practice assignments.

Despanan · 03-26-2010, 10:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luv2H8

Remember to lay off the teenage angst. Nobody likes that.

Isn't she a teenager?

Despanan · 03-26-2010, 11:40 AM

Altemese:

These actually aren't that bad. I think Poem #1 is the best by far. You've got the beginnings of some decent rythm and it flows pretty well when spoken.

The other two are unfortunately really clich'ed. I wouldn't worry too much about that. Unless I miss my guess you're in highschool right? (How old are you?) there is a saying that It takes twenty years to build an artist, and you're working from minimal life experience.

My advice would be to read more, write more, and live more. Your stuff will get better as you gain experience.

Also, do your best to shy away from writing what you think you're supposed to and/or what others want to hear. Just tell the.story that you have honestly and simply. Truth is always better than melodrama.

Mariner · 03-26-2010, 12:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Despanan

Altemese:

These actually aren't that bad. I think Poem #1 is the best by far. You've got the beginnings of some decent rythm and it flows pretty well when spoken.

The other two are unfortunately really clich'ed. I wouldn't worry too much about that. Unless I miss my guess you're in highschool right? (How old are you?) there is a saying that It takes twenty years to build an artist, and you're working from minimal life experience.

My advice would be to read more, write more, and live more. Your stuff will get better as you gain experience. The

Also, do your best to shy away from writing what you think you're supposed to and/or what others want to hear. Just tell the.story that you have honestly and simply. Truth is always better than melodrama.

How refreshing to see useful advice posted rather than useless criticism. Actually, most of the posts on this thread give useful advice. Hopefully this will catch on for other threads in the literature section of Gothic.net.

tears · 03-26-2010, 02:10 PM

WOW you are really good i dont care about what other said .. i liked what you have written .. keep going =)

Altemese · 03-28-2010, 11:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Despanan

Altemese:

These actually aren't that bad. I think Poem #1 is the best by far. You've got the beginnings of some decent rythm and it flows pretty well when spoken.

The other two are unfortunately really clich'ed. I wouldn't worry too much about that. Unless I miss my guess you're in highschool right? (How old are you?) there is a saying that It takes twenty years to build an artist, and you're working from minimal life experience.

My advice would be to read more, write more, and live more. Your stuff will get better as you gain experience.

Also, do your best to shy away from writing what you think you're supposed to and/or what others want to hear. Just tell the.story that you have honestly and simply. Truth is always better than melodrama.

I'm 19 years old. I'll be 20 on the 17th of April. And I'm trying to lay off all the love stuff and dig deep down and write what I feel. And thnks tears, I appreciate your compliment.

Despanan · 03-28-2010, 03:47 PM

Love poems are really hard to do right. Even I'm really reluctant to try them.

JethroAranas · 03-28-2010, 06:07 PM

The long and piling sentences are breaking my head.