Favorite Monty Python Moments/Quotes

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Share your favorite Python quotes, songs or clips here.

I'll start..

“NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.”

[Haunted House]

"Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Blackpool Rock Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable Brrroooo Norman Michael (rings bell) (blows whistle) Edward (sounds car horn) (does train impersonation) (sounds buzzer) Thomas Moo... (sings) "We'll keep a welcome in the..." (fires gun) William (makes silly noise) "Raindrops keep falling on my" (weird noise) "Don't sleep in the subway" Pussycat (cuckoo cuckoo) Naaoooo Smith.... two."

[cannibalnuns]

SWEET!
-----------------

The Piranha Brothers:

Good evening. On 'Ethel the Frog' tonight we look at violence The violence of British Gangland. Last Tuesday a reign of terror was ended when the notorious Piranha brothers, Doug and Dinsdale, after one of the most extraordinary trials in British legal history, were sentenced to 400 years imprisonment for crimes of violence. We examined the rise to power of the Piranhas, the methods they used to subjugate rival gangs and their subsequent tracking down and capture by the brilliant Superintendent Harry 'Snapper' Organs of Q Division. Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born, on probation, in a small house in Kipling Road, Southwark, the eldest sons in a family of sixteen. Their father Arthur Piranha, a scrap metal dealer and TV quizmaster, was well known to the police, and a devout Catholic. In 1928 he had married Kitty Malone, an up-and-coming East End boxer. Doug was born in February 1929 and Dinsdale two weeks later; and again a week after that. Someone who remembers them well was their next door neighbour, Mrs April Simnel.

Mrs Simmel: Oh yes Kipling Road was a typical East End Street, people were in and out of each other's houses with each other's property all day. They were a cheery lot

---
Hells Grannies:

This is a frightened city. Over these houses, over these streets hangs a pall of fear. Fear of a new kind of violence which is terrorizing the city. Yes, gangs of old ladies attacking defenceless fit young men.
---

How to Feed a Goldfish

THE RSPCA WISH IT TO BE KNOWN THAT, THAT MAN WAS NOT A BONA FIDE ANIMAL LOVER, AND ALSO THAT GOLDFISH DO NOT EAT SAUSAGES. SHUT UP! THEY ARE QUITE HAPPY WITH BREADCRUMBS, ANTS' EGGS AND THE OCCASIONAL PHEASANT...
---

Man Turns into a Scotsman

Then suddenly a clue turned up in Scotland. Mr Angus Podgorny, owner of a Dunbar menswear shop, received an order for 48,000,000 'kilts from the planet Skyron in the Galaxy of Andromeda.
---

Life of Brian

Pontius Pilate: So, youw fawtha was a Woman. Who was he?
Brian: He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrison.
Pontius Pilate: What was his name?
Brian: Nottius Maximus, sir.
[the Centurion giggles]
Pontius Pilate: Centuwion, do you have anyone in your gawwison by that name?
Centurion: No, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Well, you seem awfully suwe, have you checked?
Centurion: I think it's a joke, sir. Sort of like... uh... Sillius Sodus, or Biggus Dickus.
Pontius Pilate: What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus? "
Centurion: Its a joke name, sir.
Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy good fwiend in Wome named "Biggus Dickus. "
[guard laughs]
Pontius Pilate: WIGHT! THAT'S IT!
Centurion: Oh, but sir...
Pontius Pilate: No, no, no. I want him fighting weally, wild, wavish animals by the mowning!

[Blushing Heliophobe]

Stoning Scene From Life of Brian

JEWISH OFFICIAL: Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath.
MATTHIAS: Do I say 'yes'?
STONE HELPER #1: Yes.
MATTHIAS: Yes.
OFFICIAL: You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord, and so, as a blasphemer,...
CROWD: Ooooh!
OFFICIAL: ...you are to be stoned to death.
CROWD: Ahh!
MATTHIAS: Look. I-- I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was, 'That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.'
CROWD: Oooooh!
OFFICIAL: Blasphemy! He's said it again!
CROWD: Yes! Yes, he did! He did!...
OFFICIAL: Did you hear him?!
CROWD: Yes! Yes, we did! We did!...
WOMAN #1: Really!

[silence]

OFFICIAL: Are there any women here today?
CROWD: No. No. No. No...
OFFICIAL: Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me-

[CULPRIT WOMAN stones MATTHIAS]

MATTHIAS: Oww! Lay off! We haven't started yet!
OFFICIAL: Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.
CROWD: She did! She did! He did! He! He. He. Him. Him. Him. Him. He did.
CULPRIT WOMAN: Sorry. I thought we'd started.
OFFICIAL: Go to the back.
CULPRIT WOMAN: Oh, dear.
OFFICIAL: Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?
MATTHIAS: Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying 'Jehovah'.
CROWD: Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!...
OFFICIAL: You're only making it worse for yourself!
MATTHIAS: Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
CROWD: Oooooh!...
OFFICIAL: I'm warning you. If you say 'Jehovah' once more-

[MRS. A. stones OFFICIAL]

Right. Who threw that?

[silence]

Come on. Who threw that?

CROWD: She did! It was her! He! He. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him.
OFFICIAL: Was it you?
MRS. A.: Yes.
OFFICIAL: Right!
MRS. A.: Well, you did say 'Jehovah'.
CROWD: Ah! Ooooh!...

[CROWD stones MRS. A.]

OFFICIAL: Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Jehovah'.
CROWD: Ooooooh!...

[CROWD stones OFFICIAL]

WOMAN #1:
Good shot!

[clap clap clap]

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Sir Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Sir Galahad: I don't think I was.
Sir Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Sir Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Sir Lancelot: No, it's too perilous.
Sir Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Sir Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Sir Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Sir Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy.
Sir Galahad: I bet you're gay.
Sir Lancelot: Am not.

[Wise Child]

Brian: I'm not the messiah!
Populous: only the true messiah would be so modest.
Brian: um... all right, then, I AM the messiah.
Populous: all hail the messiah!!!!

[Wise Child]

Great thread!!

"He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!"

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

For Wolfie..



The Witch: I'm not a witch I'm not a witch!
Sir Bedevere: But you a dressed like one
The Witch: They dressed me up like this!
Crowd: we didn't! We didn't...
The Witch: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
Sir Bedevere: [lifts up her false nose] Well
Peasant 1: Well, we did do the nose.
Sir Bedevere: The nose?
Peasant 1: And the hat, but she is a witch!
Crowd: Yeah Burn her burn her!
Sir Bedevere: Did you dress her up like this?
Peasant 1: No!
Peasant 3, Peasant 2: No!
Peasant 3: No!
Peasant 1: No!
Peasant 3, Peasant 2: No!
Peasant 1: Yes!
Peasant 2: Yes!
Peasant 1: Yeah a Bit
Peasant 3: A bit!
Peasant 1, Peasant 2: A bit!
Peasant 2: a bit
Peasant 1: But she has got a wart!

[WolfMoon]

Continuing:

RANDOM:
[cough]
BEDEVERE:
What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3:
Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEVERE:
A newt?
VILLAGER #3:
I got better.



COCONUTS

KING ARTHUR:
Whoa there!
[clop clop clop]
SOLDIER #1:
Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR:
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
SOLDIER #1:
Pull the other one!
ARTHUR:
I am,... and this is my trusty servant Patsy.

We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
SOLDIER #1:
What? Ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR:
Yes!
SOLDIER #1:
You're using coconuts!
ARTHUR:
What?
SOLDIER #1:
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
ARTHUR:
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through--
SOLDIER #1:
Where'd you get the coconuts?
ARTHUR:
We found them.
SOLDIER #1:
Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR:
What do you mean?
SOLDIER #1:
Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR:
The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
SOLDIER #1:
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR:
Not at all. They could be carried.
SOLDIER #1:
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR:
It could grip it by the husk!
SOLDIER #1:
It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
ARTHUR:
Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
SOLDIER #1:
Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
ARTHUR:
Please!
SOLDIER #1:
Am I right?
ARTHUR:
I'm not interested!
SOLDIER #2:
It could be carried by an African swallow!
SOLDIER #1:
Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
SOLDIER #2:
Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
ARTHUR:
Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
SOLDIER #1:
But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory.
SOLDIER #2:
Oh, yeah.
SOLDIER #1:
So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.
[clop clop clop]
SOLDIER #2:
Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
SOLDIER #1:
No, they'd have to have it on a line.
SOLDIER #2:
Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
SOLDIER #1:
What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
SOLDIER #2:
Well, why not?

Albatross!

Man: Albatross! Albatross! Albatross!

(A cutomer approaches him.)

Customer: Two choc-ices please.

Man: I haven't got choc-ices. I only got the albatross. Albatross!

Customer: What flavour is it?

Man: It's a bird, innit. It's a bloody sea bird . .. it's not any bloody flavour. Albatross!

Customer: Do you get wafers with it?

Man: Course you don't get bloody wafers with it. Albatross!

Customer: How much is it?

Man: Ninepence.

Customer: I'll have two please.

Man: Gannet on a stick.

[cannibalnuns]

"My Nipples Explode with Delight!"

[cannibalnuns]

Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

Clerk: Sorry?

Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.

Clerk: Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's.

Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is scratched.

Clerk: No, no, no, no. Tobacco...um...cigarettes (holds up a pack).

Hungarian: Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh...My hovercraft is full of eels.

Clerk: Sorry?

Hungarian: My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette)...is full of eels

(pretends to strike a match).

Clerk: Ahh, matches!

Hungarian: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant...do you waaaaaant...to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?

Clerk: Here, I don't think you're using that thing right.

Hungarian: You great poof.

Clerk: That'll be six and six, please.

Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I...I am no longer infected.

Clerk: Uh, may I, uh...(takes phrase book, flips through it)...Costs six and six...ah, here we are. (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words)

Hungarian punches the clerk.

Meanwhile, a policeman on a quiet street cups his ear as if hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the tobacconist's.

Cop: What's going on here then?

Hungarian: Ah. You have beautiful thighs.

Cop: (looks down at himself) WHAT?!?

Clerk: He hit me!

Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime. (points at clerk)

Cop: RIGHT!!! (drags Hungarian away by the arm)

Hungarian: (indignantly) My nipples explode with delight!

[Beowulf]

Arthur: "The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king!"

Dennis: "Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony."

Arthur: "Be quiet!"

Dennis: "Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!"

Arthur: "Shut up!"

Dennis:"I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!"

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Originally Posted by Santarea

and A Fish Called Wanda

" I LOVE WATCHING YOUR ASS WHEN YOU WALK!!!!! "

" I'm sorry.. I'm sorry.. I'm sorry..I'm sorry.. FUCK YOU!!!! "

"It's K-K-K-Ken, c-c-c-coming to k-k-k-kill me! How are you going to c-c-c-catch me, K-K-K-Ken?"

[cannibalnuns]

I love Santarea more and more -sigh-

If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate.

[WolfMoon]

Originally Posted by Beowulf

Arthur: "The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king!"

Dennis: "Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony."

Arthur: "Be quiet!"

Dennis: "Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!"

Arthur: "Shut up!"

Dennis:"I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!"

Come and see the violence inherent in the system!

Help! Help! I'm being repressed.

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

Michael Palin: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the morning, clean the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down the mill for fourteen hours a day week in-week out. When we got home, our Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!

Graham Chapman: Luxury! We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to work at the mill every day for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle, if we were LUCKY!

Terry Gilliam: Well, we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and LICK the road clean with our tongues. We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at the mill for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our Dad would slice us in two with a bread knife.

Eric Idle: Right. *steels himself* I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves singing "Hallelujah."

Michael Palin: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'.

All: Nope, nope...

[Beowulf]

I have a Vewy Good Fwiend in Wome...:
Pilate: "Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...Dickus?"
"What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus'... 'Dickus'?"
"He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'. Incontinentia Buttocks"

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

*snickering amongst the Guards*

Does it make you Lawf when I say: Biggus Dickus?

[Beowulf]

The Knights Who No Longer Say 'NI!':

Head Knight: "We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni . . .We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble . . . Therefore, we must give you a test."

Arthur: "What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently Said Ni?"

Head Knight: "Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery! . . .Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle"

Other Knights: "A path! A path! Ni!"

Head Knight: "Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest, with... a herring!"

[Beowulf]

Centurwion, take him away I want him fighting wabid animals in a week!

[Beowulf]

The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch:

Monk: "And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large-"

Brother Maynard: "Skip a bit, Brother."

Monk: "And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall ***** it.'"

[Wise Child]

"Ah! The little wascal has spiwit!"

-"What?"

"Spiwit!"

[Empty_Purple_Stars]

King of Swamp Castle:

When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in all of England.

[WolfMoon]

You can't type *****?

[Beowulf]

TIM: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
ARTHUR: Where?
TIM: There!
ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit?
TIM: It is the rabbit!
ARTHUR: You silly sod!
TIM: What?
ARTHUR: You got us all worked up!
TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.
ARTHUR: Ohh.
TIM: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide; it's a killer!
GALAHAD: Get stuffed!
TIM: He'll do you up a treat mate!
GALAHAD: Oh, yeah?
ROBIN: You mangy scots git!
TIM: I'm warning you!
ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum?
TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
ARTHUR: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
BORS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!

[ Rabbit flies at Bors’s throat and savages him to death }
ROBIN: I done it again!
TIM: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--
ARTHUR: Oh, shut up!
TIM: Do they listen to me?