The Angry Night

[KontanKarite]

All the angry people
All the broken people
Walking the boulevards
With their fierce smiles
Are fighting the others
To prove that they're strong
To prove they're not in pain
Tonight is a wild clash
Red street lights
Horned honks
Slashes of gray and black
Blanket the night
And the world is a velvet spread
Laden with rubies and sunshine diamonds
The girl singing thrusts her tight body
To punctuate her feminism and ward off men
She's more gratified by their desires than a connection
The men hug the walls doing their best to prove they're not swayed
Strong, independent men who will go home with meaty shafts in hand
Tonight would have been a good night for them
Tonight is an angry night amidst artificial joy
I think they like to call it delirium.

[korinna5555]

Woooooooah, love it.

[Malice In Wonderland]

Fucking rad.

[Underwater Ophelia]

It doesn't seem like you're really saying anything with this, and honestly, your wording is often way too clumsy and awkward to make it a smooth read. You have some good phrases here and there, but even those aren't magnificent.

[korinna5555]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

It doesn't seem like you're really saying anything with this, and honestly, your wording is often way too clumsy and awkward to make it a smooth read. You have some good phrases here and there, but even those aren't magnificent.

You're just mad because he didn't ramble on about butterfly bushes.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by korinna5555

You're just mad because he didn't ramble on about butterfly bushes.

I figured you'd say something like that.

Anyway, no, and I'm not mad at all.
Just objective and constuctively critical.

Or would you rather me just say something vague and pointless?

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by KontanKarite

The men hug the walls doing their best to prove they're not swayed
Strong, independent men who will go home with meaty shafts in hand

These lines are the only ones that might almost trick someone into believing he or she was reading a poem. The rest of it is unmistakably shitty Cruxshadows lyrics.

[Despanan]

Well done Kontan, your stuff is getting much better. I read this aloud and it rumbled pretty well off my tongue.

I don't like this part though. You're retreating into clich'e a little bit.

Slashes of gray and black
Blanket the night
And the world is a velvet spread
Laden with rubies and sunshine diamonds

And don't listen to Underwear, she couldn't write her way out of a barbie fashion comic.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by Despanan

Well done Kontan, your stuff is getting much better. I read this aloud and it rumbled pretty well off my tongue.

I don't like this part though. You're retreating into clich'e a little bit.



And don't listen to Underwear, she couldn't write her way out of a barbie fashion comic.

And what of Gothicus' opinion?

[vindicatedxjin]

I don't care what anyone says...its good...and it disturbed me a little...which is better.

[Reiko]

enjoyable

[KontanKarite]

I'm glad the majority of you liked it. As for what Desp mentioned, that part could be changed. I could attempt to have a less romantic approach to describing what I was seeing outside.

As for not saying anything, I wasn't exactly saying much. It was a poem about people watching, which I tend to do a lot and I made a statement about what I saw.

Looking back, there is no conflict or resolution in this poem, so it lacks any real profound idea. I'm okay with this.

My latest poem was about drinking espresso. It too was mostly my own thoughts during a moment of drinking the stuff.

Anyway, I'm glad that most of you liked it. Beyond being just a poem about people watching, I feel it was a decent excersize in working on removing lofty emotions from my writing, which generally causes me to sound like some fyeg.

[Despanan]

Underwear: You mean this?

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

These lines are the only ones that might almost trick someone into believing he or she was reading a poem. The rest of it is unmistakably shitty Cruxshadows lyrics.

I think he's being a bit harsh and more than a little flippant. The above isn't really all that reminiscent of Rogue's wording. I think he just knows Kontan likes Cruxshadows, and assumed he was trying to ape their style.

Kontan: You really need to work on sperating this into proper stanzas. When you lump it all together like this it makes the poem look ugly and amateurish. You're wise not to worry about confllct, resolution, or making any sort of statement. It's a poem, not a novella or manifesto. Simple observations are fne, and in my opinion usually work better for this kind of thing.

Just remember to shy away from Cliche' and melodrama and you'll be fine.