The Mime's Empty Smile...A Story by out_side_in_side_out

out_side_in_side-out · 05-08-2005, 06:21 PM

i hope you guys like this story, this is the way i always feel.
alienated and wondering alone, knowing something that no one else knows but i can't seem to fuckin remember what it is!
oh well...
here it goes.

THE MIME'S EMPTY SMILE :twisted:

A crazy calm possessed my unsuspecting world as my sanity drowned in despair. The long years of my life steadily passed by me, I walked and walked unchanged through time. Until the stench of rotting corpses caught my attention, their opened eyes were fixed upon an ancient wood-framed mirror. I walked up and cautiously stared into it. A frail beaten mime engulfed in darkness reflected back. It’s lips were sewn shut with thick black thread and it’s eyes were missing. Deep within its dark decaying eye sockets something called out to me. And with a cold dreadful gaze its thin long arm reached towards me, pierced my chest and grasped my pounding heart. My very soul began to tremble as helpless fear overwhelmed me, my body grew weak and I collapsed. “My heart is brittle, feel it beating…please don’t throw it away…”I begged. A deranged empty smile reflected back, and with a hollow glare it ripped my heart open! My soul screamed as it slowly passed on from my squirming dying body onto his. I lay there to this day; I no longer cast a shadow nor hear the beating of my heart. But that sick and twisted mime still sits there, surrounded by the toxic mist of darkness patiently waiting for another wondering soul.

by: syrus

BTW: plz let me know what u think, don't censore or ommit n e thing be truthful, n e type of criticism is better than none.

MrMaelstrom · 05-08-2005, 06:51 PM

You do realize that posting the story here gives gothic.net publishing rights, don't you?

You're welcome here if you follow the rules. They are written in a thread called "For The Newbies" in the General forum.

Now that we got that out of the way:

Nice story (or should I say paragraph? :shock: ). Short and sweet. I likes.

I wish the ones that suck were this short.

WolfMoon · 05-09-2005, 12:11 PM

Not bad at all.

Nice and creepy.

Elaboration might help a little, though. I always feel a little disoriented when I'm pulled ionto a story that does describe things. Were you walking down a shadowy hallway? What is the background like?

It's a nice steak, but a lil A-1 would give it the right amount of oomph.

out_side_in_side-out · 05-09-2005, 01:35 PM

well here's alittle intro:
i'm not really a "kid"
i'm 21 years old. :wink:
and to answer wolfmoon's question, i purposely didn't describe the sceenery to add bit of... well how should i say it?
mystery i guess.
here's something:
like in that music video by Slipknot called Vermillion.
that girl walks slowly while everything around here is moving so fast, one cannot even see what is going on around her.
that is kind of the way i picture the beggining.
another thing, gothic.net plz don't get publishing rights for my story, all i wanted was to share a short story or shall i say "a paragraph", lol

i'm actually a poet, this story was once a poem.
that would explain it's briefness.
if u guys would like to read more of my work, just let me know by replying right here, i would be glad to post more of my poems.
and just to let u guys know, from now on everything i post will be copywritten. so no one can steal my work.

-Syrus :twisted:

out_side_in_side-out · 05-09-2005, 06:03 PM

wow, i'm so happy i found a place like this online, Xnguela, Wolfmoon, MrMaelstrom and TStone thank you for your honest criticism, that is what will make me a better writter: sincerity.

i hate it when people just tell me: "oh, it's good"
that shit sucks ass.
and you are right, the more i read it, the more sense it makes to put it in poetic form.
and if Gothic.net get's publishing rights. it's ok
i'm not really a story writter any ways.

Tstone your right, it does not have a strong core, i'll re-write it and fix it up a bit, take out the borderline cliches and so on. lol "so on" would be considered a cliche.
and Xnguela i'm glad your a mod, you sound(well from what you replied) like a well rounded individual. You keep respect towards the person and know how to criticize as well.

i am very pleased to have found a Site like this one, though because of what TStone typed i'm worried for my work, and don't know how to share it without giving away my first time publishing rights.
if u can help me with this dilema, i will be glad to share more of my work.

if u are unable to, it's ok.
i'll still keep visiting.

-Syrus

drgnlvr · 05-09-2005, 08:50 PM

Tstone, IIRC, you can get around that first time publication rights snare by posting the story on your personal webspace, and then linking to it.

Outside, nice flash piece. It had a deliciously creepy atmosphere, and dark mood. Any crits I might give have already been mentioned (and I concur), so I see no point in repeating that.

And welcome! We need more good horror writers!

out_side_in_side-out · 05-09-2005, 08:53 PM

ahh, i see.
it does make sense.
btw, i'm a male.
thanx for the info Tom.

AlKilyu · 05-09-2005, 10:38 PM

Too late on the copyright issue...I have already started my next piece:

The Mime's Raging Boner

winged_dreams · 05-09-2005, 11:33 PM

More questions about publishing rights? Is it harder to try and get a publisher to publish a story that's already been published on a site? Does it mean less money? I'm just curious because I post my stories on this site called fictionpress.com so I assume that that counts as first publishing and I was just curious since I eventually hope to possibly get stories published that I will post or have posted on that site.

MrMaelstrom · 05-10-2005, 09:28 PM

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... ...snifff....

winged_dreams · 05-10-2005, 10:43 PM

Extremely amusing!! :lol:

drgnlvr · 05-11-2005, 09:06 AM

OMG!!!! ROFLMMFAO!

I love it when you get twisted, TStone! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

out_side_in_side-out · 05-11-2005, 06:08 PM

LOL
the ending was beutiful!!
I never pictured my story would actually influence someone to write another similar one. Though not so dark and way more funnier!
good one.

WolfMoon · 05-13-2005, 05:23 PM

Yes, mimes do need lovin'.

:P

Xng, we can call him Innie/Inny, like a belly button. There ya go, kid, ya gots a nickname! I'm not callin' you kid cuz you're new, just cuz I'm older. I don't mean it in a demeaning or condescending manner, though.

:wink:

ghostposts · 05-13-2005, 05:37 PM

How does a boner rage?

winged_dreams · 05-13-2005, 09:16 PM

The world may never know?

ghostposts · 05-15-2005, 04:41 PM

lol
reminds me of passive aggressive, or manic. Maybe the penis should be on prozac.

Solumina · 05-15-2005, 04:54 PM

recently?

ghostposts · 05-15-2005, 04:59 PM

Congratulations! :D

I am so happy you have come to like the penis. Now the next step is to come to love him. And loving means to care for him.

Remember, there are a few things to remember in the care and feeding of your penis. Keep him well fed on the choicests of meats.

The penis gets lonely and needs your loving attention. Stroke the penis and tell him how much he means to you. And remember, the penis is a free creature. It's ok to share him with your friends.

ghostposts · 05-16-2005, 04:26 AM

I heart you, X. :D

ghostposts · 05-18-2005, 08:19 AM

I found it!! I found the

RAGING BONER

http://www.superdickery.com/seduction/3.html

look at theframe that's labled
"Meanwhile, at the Joker's Hideout..."

WolfMoon · 05-18-2005, 12:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ghostposts

Congratulations!

I am so happy you have come to like the penis. Now the next step is to come to love him. And loving means to care for him.

Remember, there are a few things to remember in the care and feeding of your penis. Keep him well fed on the choicests of meats.

The penis gets lonely and needs your loving attention. Stroke the penis and tell him how much he means to you. And remember, the penis is a free creature. It's ok to share him with your friends.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Ah, jeez, it's nice to have you posting regularly!

ghostposts · 05-18-2005, 12:55 PM

:) Thank you.

out_side_in_side-out · 08-23-2005, 07:03 PM

hey, just wanted to let you guys know that i have re-written this story, well actaully i'm about half way with it. Anyways, it's called "Lost Within A Dream" now. You know what, here let me post up a few chapers, i won't start with the beginning of the story, because, well just because. well, here it goes.

Ch. 6

The sun was right above his head when Syrus broke through the water. Wow that was odd, Syrus thought as he looked around trying to make sense of it all: Judging from the position of the sun, it’s roughly around an hour pass noon. There was nothing in sight just a vast body of water. “what a great way to die,” he said sarcastically. He recalled the time when he almost took his own life. That shinny blade just an inch away from his pounding heart. The sheer thrill of knowing that for once in his exhausted life, he was in charge. With one thrust he could have ended it all and caused the people who had harmed him great pain. The guilt would eat them alive, was the constant thought that kept running through his troubled mind. The one reason why he didn’t go through with it, was the fact that his ribcage would act like an armor for the heart. His thin arms wouldn’t have broken through the bone, and the knife was too short to send it from the bottom of his ribcage up. It would be too embarrassing knowing that I even failed at taking my own life, echoed through Syrus’ head as he slowly put the knife back in drawer.

Ch. 7

Drowning is one of the most peaceful ways to die he had once heard. First the lack of oxygen sedates me and I will begin to accept my reality. The moment the water touches my lungs I will squirm for roughly five seconds and then eternal bliss! “But I can’t go this way now, at least not today when there is so much unanswered” he said in a more determined tone. Syrus lowered his head and began swimming when his head unexpectedly hit a large rock. He found himself near the shore of a jungle-like island. With new found hope he stood up and began running towards the sandy beach.

Ch. 8

The lush green island seemed deserted at first. Syrus wondered through the entangled green mess for hours, when at last, he heard a voice. “ Who goes there?” A voice commanded. “Who…who’s there?” Syrus said in a trembling voice as he came to an abrupt stop. “Who goes there?” echoed the voice more closer than before. “My name is Syrus, who are you?” he said, surprised at his own courage. At that exact moment a tall man appeared out of thin air. He had a pig-like nose and small dull eyes. His face was severely deformed and lopsided. The grotesque man was tall but hunched his back and wore only torn rags to cover his blistered body.

Ch. 9

The man looked down at Syrus and with a friendly inviting voice he asked: “well Syrus, what brings you here?”
“I don’t recall how I really ended up here,”
Syrus began, “I was on my way to the bathroom when I tripped and my head landed on one of my weights. The next thing I remember was waking up in a cold and pitch black place. Then out of nowhere the earth swallowed me, turned upside-down and all of a sudden I was swimming here. I then wondered for hours in this sit hole when I heard your voice.”
“ah I see,” the man said mockingly, “Syrus if you can answer this riddle I will explain everything.”
Syrus’ eyes lit up, “really, great! Go ahead.”
The hideous man took a deep breath and commenced: “What approaches you proportionally the same as you walk towards it, and leaves you proportionally the same as you walk away from it?”
“I don’t know that one, what is it?” Syrus said anxiously.
A journey of one-thousand miles always begins with one step, keep this in mind and you will come across the answer.”
“What the hell is that suppose to mean!” Syrus cried out.
“One step at a time, think about it.” the man said in a low voice.
“Fuck this shit,” Syrus screamed out in anger, “fuck your ugly-ass face and this fuckin place.”
“those who anger you; triumph over you,” the man remarked: “discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.”
Syrus took a deep breath then sighed, “well what am I doing here?” He asked.
“A place for everything and everything in its place,” was the response.
“Look,” Syrus said in a decided tone, “all I want are simple answers, but you keep giving me these twisted sayings that I’m not sure you even completely understand them.”
The man looked down, rubbed his chin and then up at Syrus again and said: “ I understand your frustration, you want your life to be more like a book, you never want to be in a chapter of your life for too long. And here you are, unable to feel time and existence. You are in this secluded far-off place with no answers and a lot of questions. You came here because you have been covering the sun with one finger, and denial isn’t just a river in Egypt.” The tall man tried to end it with words Syrus could understand.
Great not only is this guy very perplexing but now he thinks he’s a stand-up comedian, Syrus thought to himself.
“well, what time is it?” Syrus asked.
“It’s the same time it was yesterday but twenty-four hours later,” the man replied as he began to fade disappear.
“wait! Who are you?” Syrus screamed out, remembering that, that was the one question the man hadn’t answered.
“ I’m the origin of your pure reason,” his voice more of and echo, “ I am but a small piece of your Mobius strip-like soul.”
With this said, the unsightly man vanished.

i'm working on chapter 19 right now, what you read
is a little rough because i really haven't had time to polish it up.
In further chapter, he will come across the Mime, but he won't die there, no, Syrus' adventure will a long and horrific one.