Confused and needing help

Souldburned · 11-28-2005, 02:48 PM

I really need to write this, whine a bit so maybe I will feel better.

I've always been the kind of quiet girl that doesn't talk much and that is always alone, the truth is that I feel confort in being alone and most of the times my peers pretty much ignore me, it's my fault because I hardly trust anyone so since I started school this year I tried really hard to be more sociable. It didn't worked too well, half the persons from my class don't speak to me because I don't speak to them, I just can't get used to being around people. Also, I feel confused, very confused. Maybe it's because of my age ( I will be 16 in less than one month now ) but I don't know who I am, I have weird thoughts about the world and the people and I'm confused because of my feelings towards everything. That confusion is making me feel miserable, usually I spend my time drawing or writing( I've always loved art although some peoples make fun of me because I only draw 'monsters' ) or reading ( even in the internet all I usually do is reading ) sometimes I talk to people over the msn, but they mostly ignore me so I ignore them too.
I'm ashamed to say this, truly ashamed, but some years ago I started self hurting myself, nothing really bad ( only some scratches ), it has grown worst and now I cut myself almost everyday, I have my arms covered of scars and even words writen in my skin using a blade. It's not good I know and I want to stop ( also because I'm cutting deeper everyday ), but I feel unable to.
I have problems in home, my parents ( my mom actually ) don't accepts me just as I am and wants me to be an genius, it's hard to cope with that. I also sometimes have suicidal thoughts, but I'm too coward to even try that.
I just wanted to be happy, or at least to feel good. I wished I could live in my little world with my drawings and my books.

katsumy · 11-28-2005, 02:57 PM

well i have to say that I was like you long a go... is confusing I know... you should trust some one ... that some one can know every thing about you and can help you out... in my case that special person is my boy-friend this days... I learned to speak with him basicly, I was all the time quiet, not a word out of my mouth ...just a soft movement of my head to say yes or no... so please get a hold of your self... don't get in to a depresive mood... try to be happy and start to talk to others... at least a Hi! wen you see them. That can make a big diference.

dragonfli · 11-28-2005, 05:37 PM

:smile:

Hey

Your way way to hard on yourself!!!!! Your not supposed to have all the answers to life your 16. As for the jerks at school they are so insecure about themselves that they have to pick others apart to make themselves feel better. I know this all sounds cliche, but it's true. You are where your supposed to be and the universe does have a plan for you and it's all unfolding the way it should. Trust your self, alot of people can't take being alone they don't know what to do unless they have an audience to tell them they are great. You are stronger than you know so have some confidence and don't let anyone make you feel like you are as less. The only power they have over you is the power you give them.

dragonfli

rockandrose · 11-28-2005, 05:41 PM

dragonfli, please introduce yourself in this link.

https://www.gothic.net/boards/showthread.php?t=710

joyslayer · 11-28-2005, 08:58 PM

rockandrose, confusion is part od what we call life. No one is ever certain about anything. They just think its right. And most of the time, They are right. Cutting, i did before. I couldn't help it, it was like a drug. Every day, just getting longer, thicker deeper. I became, and still am, obsessed with watching my blood fall to the floor. (and licking it off the knife) But, self mutilation not only hurts yourself, but the people you hole close to your heart as well. That why i stopped, it killed my boy friend to see me like that. But you have to find your own reason to stop. You can't just because someone told u too. And for the pressure thing, My older brother, got a perfect score on his ACT's. He got the brains. But as for me, yeah, i'm in all honors, straight A's. but it is never good enough. AFter all, i was an accident. (according to my mom) We all have to find a way to deal, because that is how we survive.

Souldburned · 11-29-2005, 10:38 AM

Thanks for the answers.

Joyslayer, It's being very hard to myself to try to stop cutting, mainly because there is no one that cares so much about me that will get hurt because I cut. Well, there is my family and that should be enought reason to make me stop, but it's not. I can't help to make some cuts everyday.

joyslayer · 11-29-2005, 02:29 PM

Thats how i was. But eventually, I did stop, but it was becasue i'm a damned stubborn bitch, *shrugs* no one can make you stop. You have to find a reason to by yourself. No amount of advice or answers will help the cuts and the scars go away.

joyslayer · 11-29-2005, 06:24 PM

Hehe, i suppose so. But I would rather keep my limbs and the scars.

Souldburned · 11-30-2005, 04:48 PM

I agree with you both above. I don't care much about a couple ( or not ) of scars in my body. I do care that someday I lose it and do something I didn't want to do like cutting too deep and them I can get in serious trouble.
About the confusion, well although I might stay confused for a long time, I believe I have to find a better way to deal with it. And I don't think I'm strong, hiding is not a form of courage.
Thank you for the advices.

joyslayer · 11-30-2005, 07:34 PM

no problem.

roserougesang · 03-21-2006, 07:44 PM

Minus the cutting I'm a bit like that at the moment. I used to get along very well with my friends at school but now I think I'm developing a different perspective on the world than they are, i've never really been a social type anyway so I usually find myself reading during recess and lunch time. I think as soon as I'm out of my teen years I'll be more social.

bunnicula · 03-21-2006, 07:54 PM

You're 16. Your confusion is totally normal. There are certain developmental milestones we all go through as human beings, such as birth, learning to speak, separating from our parents, and developing our own personality, all of which are frightening and confusing. At 16, we are not MEANT to have it all together, to know who we are.

Developing a different perspective than your friends means you are becoming an individual, and recognizing that is SO important. I hope that you will continue to question other peoples' perspectives and keep forming your own unique personality.

roserougesang · 03-21-2006, 07:59 PM

There aren't really any other goths in my school, except one of my friends who seems to be more emo because she doesn't listen to very much 'gothic' music and seems to lack many gothic sensibilities so you can see my problem here with finding people with similar opinions to me.....I'm sorry, i'm stealing space to go on about me *slaps self* ...back to souldburned now.

Psi · 03-21-2006, 08:47 PM

I used to be like this, try to find one person you can talk to - that you can confess to. It helps, a ton.

roserougesang · 03-21-2006, 09:03 PM

I'm sorry, I have a bad habit of using labels when I can't think of any other way to describe something, I hate having to do it though. Can someone recommend an easier way of getting my point across?

blawk · 03-21-2006, 09:07 PM

Poor little angsty kid.
One of these days you'll just cut yourself too deep and bleed to death.

Cicero · 03-21-2006, 09:15 PM

Description is the whole purpose of labels. The only thing to keep in mind is that they're general explanations with no real boundaries, and not clear cut boxes to toss people in. Or if you're talking to people who happen to use labels as boxes, instead of saying someone is goth, perhaps say "they associate closely with the gothic subculture of music, literature and style, etc". That's what I do anyway.

Ben Lahnger · 03-21-2006, 09:21 PM

Is that a chip off the old blawk?

We do try to avoid labels here, and the poor little angsty kid thing was a litle harsh. In fact, the whole comment was patently insensitive.

roserougesang, ignore the comments from Blawk, for obvious reasons. I would say that of all the people here, Xng's advice might be the most solid. She's been in a similar place to where you are recently, and she knows the way out.

roserougesang · 03-22-2006, 07:28 PM

Thankyou, thanks to Xng I've felt at home here ever since I 'arrived'

tenet_2012 · 03-23-2006, 12:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by joyslayer

Hehe, i suppose so. But I would rather keep my limbs and the scars.

I thought this person was banned.

Man, I am out of the loop.

tenet_2012 · 03-23-2006, 01:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by roserougesang

Thankyou, thanks to Xng I've felt at home here ever since I 'arrived'

I know how you feel. I was barely a newb here, I had a huge problem and the people here helped me through it. They probably helped save my life. They are my family because I don't really have any real family.

You read a lot? That is very good. It is said that reading simulates the brain much like math does. So in a couple years when you are in college making a good life for yourself, you can look back at most of the people that made fun or didn't like you with satisfaction.

I will only go here once then I will never write anything about it again: stop fucking cutting yourself, you idiot. If you want to get into the professional world when you get out of college you cannot be doing this stupid immature bullshit. Put a tight rubber band around your wrist and snap it everytime you feel like cutting. You get the pain effect with none of the nasty scars. That is how I quit cutting.

"I don't know who I am, I have weird thoughts about the world and the people and I'm confused because of my feelings towards everything"

Sweetie, you will never know who you are. I don't know who I am. All you will ever have is a general idea. You will change with every new experience. You have new experiences every second of every day. Don't let this hold you back.

I have weird thoughts about the world as well. I am extremely paranoid thought. This statement made me laugh. Sorry.

Confusion is a natural state for free thinkers. We constantly question the world and everything in it. And most of the world does not make any god damned sense. People will rarely do what we expect them to do. As soon as you realize this, confusion will be your natural state, as it is mine.

"I just wanted to be happy, or at least to feel good."

Happiness is what you make of it. This can be a very miserable existence. It can also be a very happy exixtence. Life is 99% what you make of it. If you have clinical depression then you need medical help. But if you don't, then, take enjoyment in your books, you daily rituals, whatever you do. Just take enjoyment knowing that it will not last forever.

Oh, and work on sentence structure, your crazy use of plurals, and past tense verbs.

You'll get through if you're strong. Stop cutting!

tenet_2012 · 03-23-2006, 01:27 AM

Huh, you are right...

My bad.

roserougesang · 03-23-2006, 08:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tenet_2012

I will only go here once then I will never write anything about it again: stop fucking cutting yourself, you idiot. If you want to get into the professional world when you get out of college you cannot be doing this stupid immature bullshit. Put a tight rubber band around your wrist and snap it everytime you feel like cutting. You get the pain effect with none of the nasty scars. That is how I quit cutting.

How did this get started?! I never said I cut myself......? someone must have read the wrong post, i'm scar-free

my.soul.is.black. · 04-18-2006, 01:13 PM

look i think your too hard on yourself i mean come on.............nevermind i'm the one talking.

Sobeh · 04-18-2006, 01:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by roserougesang

How did this get started?! I never said I cut myself......? someone must have read the wrong post, i'm scar-free

I'm scar-free too, only because I never actually had the man-parts to go deep. I mainly tried channeling self-destructive behavior into ultimately positive directions, like running far longer than I should or staying up days in a row reading.