Saying Goodbye

[mindless1]

Wearing down these days
Dressed in blue silk and white cotton
Sheltered under the evil ceiling
Covered, blackened in the evening
Hearing them, the dissolute
Inside my head as they initiate
Informal pleas, climb these stairs of light
Bathed in blood, fabricated in fear
This panic consumes me and I cannot bare
Solitude here in the haunted house on the hill
Darkness pulls out the light, I'm enchanted
By its magick, the insects swarm
In her bottles of vinegar and dust
One wish, three two One
Call the quarters, death to Satan
Fuck, just call me a killer
With these naked eyes packed into bone
Twirl the words around her fingers
Let them suffer as you inhale
The smoke, ash, of a pale moon's incest
With the sun, her son, a god
Now a dog after my bones
Trust the one who holds your insides close
The sign of the holy ghost of life
Purple blooming upon her skin
saying goodbye to another forgotten
saying goodbye, for I am leaving.

[LadyLucretia]

Originally Posted by mindless1

Wearing down these days
Dressed in blue silk and white cotton
Sheltered under the evil ceiling
Covered, blackened in the evening
Hearing them, the dissolute
Inside my head as they initiate
Informal pleas, climb these stairs of light
Bathed in blood, fabricated in fear
This panic consumes me and I cannot bare
Solitude here in the haunted house on the hill
Darkness pulls out the light, I'm enchanted
By its magick, the insects swarm
In her bottles of vinegar and dust
One wish, three two One
Call the quarters, death to Satan
Fuck, just call me a killer
With these naked eyes packed into bone
Twirl the words around her fingers
Let them suffer as you inhale
The smoke, ash, of a pale moon's incest
With the sun, her son, a god
Now a dog after my bones
Trust the one who holds your insides close
The sign of the holy ghost of life
Purple blooming upon her skin
saying goodbye to another forgotten
saying goodbye, for I am leaving.

Some of your phrases make no sense, or seem out of context - i.e. "evil ceiling," "fabricated in fear," "a pale moon's incest," "holy ghost of life." A lot of your syntax is off - I think you mean "bear," not "bare" and the phrase is call the corners, not "quarters." Also much of your imagery is pretty cliche - "haunted house on the hill," etc.

However, some of your phrasing is interesting - i.e. "eyes packed into bone," "twirl the words around her fingers" and because of that I think you show some promise. Have you ever taken a creative writing or poetry workshop? I think if you work on improving your fundamentals and expanding upon your imaginative imagery you could produce good work.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by LadyLucretia

Some of your phrases make no sense, or seem out of context - i.e. "evil ceiling," "fabricated in fear," "a pale moon's incest," "holy ghost of life." A lot of your syntax is off - I think you mean "bear," not "bare" and the phrase is call the corners, not "quarters." Also much of your imagery is pretty cliche - "haunted house on the hill," etc.

However, some of your phrasing is interesting - i.e. "eyes packed into bone," "twirl the words around her fingers" and because of that I think you show some promise. Have you ever taken a creative writing or poetry workshop? I think if you work on improving your fundamentals and expanding upon your imaginative imagery you could produce good work.

Oh, a lot of the things you thought were out of context I really liked.

And quarters is perfectly acceptable, and in fact, more prevalent in a lot of what I've read.

[mindless1]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

Oh, a lot of the things you thought were out of context I really liked.

And quarters is perfectly acceptable, and in fact, more prevalent in a lot of what I've read.

Thanks, It was meant to be out of context. That's partly my style. I'm into paganism and so they say calling the quarters usually where I've looked. I liked the metaphors I used and I don't consider any of it "cliche" it was more of just a stream of thought.