Crystalline

[Amunet]

This is a piece I wrote today, critique as you may.

Amunet

Crystalline,

your bed is made of stones

in the Autumn sun you shone.

November's winds have blown.

Crystalline,

diamond came of violence

like snow encased in silence,

white in all your essence.

Crystalline,

a crying ray of light

in the darkest part of night

I know we'll be alright.

Crystalline,

you cleanse the world of few

start our days with something new,

end our failure in the truth.


***********************

Written & Copyright 2010 by Amunet

[Apathy's_Child]

I'm not trying to be a dick, but it's mediocre, pretentious and doesn't mean engage my interest at all. This kind of stuff turns me off instantly for its insincerity. It's the same outdated idea of poetry that most people write when they start out. Write about something raw, or a new idea you've been having about absolutely anything, or something otherwise interesting. And use your natural voice, not some pompous tone of words you'd NEVER utter without contrivance.

That's just my opinion, but I'm right. Seriously, just try it once and you'll see - in all honesty, I think you could be a lot better if you dropped the outmoded stuff.

[Amunet]

Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child

I'm not trying to be a dick, but it's mediocre, pretentious and doesn't mean engage my interest at all. This kind of stuff turns me off instantly for its insincerity. It's the same outdated idea of poetry that most people write when they start out. Write about something raw, or a new idea you've been having about absolutely anything, or something otherwise interesting. And use your natural voice, not some pompous tone of words you'd NEVER utter without contrivance.

That's just my opinion, but I'm right. Seriously, just try it once and you'll see - in all honesty, I think you could be a lot better if you dropped the outmoded stuff.

thank you for your input. I don't see how the word pretentious applies here, but I wrote this in a flick of inspiration from our lovely weather yesterday and it took me all of 3 minutes to write. If I really sit down to an idea I can do much better. Usually those turn into songs however.
and to be frank, there is nothing that I said in that poem that I wouldn't say and mean in everyday life.
I never studied poetry or literature at all, i just pull these things without thinking about the mechanics of poetry. It's about the meaning, for me at least. Anywho, thank you for the critique Apathy.

[Apathy's_Child]

To be blunt, it shows that you've never studied poetry or, I'd imagine, read a great deal of it before writing. The meaning wasn't strong enough to prop up the cliche - cliche only REALLY works in parodies once it's become cliche. I really think it's worth trying something different.

And however quickly you wrote it, that is not your natural voice unless you roll around talking like the bastard child of Celine Dion and Aragorn.

[Amunet]

Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child

To be blunt, it shows that you've never studied poetry or, I'd imagine, read a great deal of it before writing. The meaning wasn't strong enough to prop up the cliche - cliche only REALLY works in parodies once it's become cliche. I really think it's worth trying something different.

And however quickly you wrote it, that is not your natural voice unless you roll around talking like the bastard child of Celine Dion and Aragorn.

well I know nothing of Aragorn, but celine dion yes and that's hilarious (of course I don't lol)
anywho, no I have never studied poetry, I've read things here and there but I was never meant to be a laureate, I am happy with my musical expression much more. I would however like to experiment more with poetry, but I'm not too sure what kind of poetry I even write. I know there's genre's but the only one I can closely relate to is "Lyric" because it's song like.
Any help here would be appreciated because lately I've just been writing and writing, it would be ideal if I could get a good basis for a song out of this too...

thanks again

[Apathy's_Child]

I think the best way to find your own voice is to write naturally, and by naturally, I mean as you would speak, only a little more articulately. Doesn't mean you can't give it some thought and crafting - it doesn't have to be spontaneous prose or avante-gard verbal diarrhea. Just keep the language fairly everyday. I find that unless it's a GREAT poem, of which there are very few, it's cringey to read someone drifting off into this ethereal voice using overly "poetic" language, without having read any good stuff. The easiest way to find your voice is to write about a funny or strange incident that happened to you, keeping the language realistic and natural for the most part, and using it well. No cliche at all. And you can just keep it very short if you want, so it doesn't take long.

[Despanan]

Is this some twilight shit?

[Amunet]

Originally Posted by Despanan

Is this some twilight shit?

uh.... no. not at all ever

[Amunet]

Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child

I think the best way to find your own voice is to write naturally, and by naturally, I mean as you would speak, only a little more articulately. Doesn't mean you can't give it some thought and crafting - it doesn't have to be spontaneous prose or avante-gard verbal diarrhea. Just keep the language fairly everyday. I find that unless it's a GREAT poem, of which there are very few, it's cringey to read someone drifting off into this ethereal voice using overly "poetic" language, without having read any good stuff. The easiest way to find your voice is to write about a funny or strange incident that happened to you, keeping the language realistic and natural for the most part, and using it well. No cliche at all. And you can just keep it very short if you want, so it doesn't take long.

thank you... I will try, actually while I was waiting for the response, I wrote something else because I was thinking about some things I had dealt with and the words just came out. its definitely more like a song, but could you take a look and let me know what you think? (total rough draft btw so go a lil easy on me) or not.

thanks

Back then 2010 Amunet

it was harder,

back then.

two years ago was like a century when

I was weak,

and naive

think that I ever had just a chance against them.

So I ran,

and I stumbled,

and fell into depths I could no longer know.

it was harder,

back then.

do I think it couldn't be like that again.

it was harder

back then.

faced with a place that I didn't fit in.

I could try,

just pretend,

but they all knew for sure that I'd never be more

than a freak,

something used,

something tired,

all expired

something dead

and abused

they knew I would lose!

it was harder...

back then.

the days,

they grow longer,

but my time in them shorter

...harder

back then

15 years,

they went by,

still I sit here and cry.

this is harder.

right now,

right now it is harder than then.

now it's harder than then

now it is harder to bend.

[Apathy's_Child]

It's better (by sheer virtue of not rhyming night with light with all right), but it's too long for how little it says and is still very cliched. Try picking an incident. Abstract musing doesn't work unless you're a very good writer with an original idea or angle on something - it's always bad idea to rehash tired subjects without attaching them to something.

I like writing about memories and concrete incidents (I'm a modernism/imagism kind of guy, personally). Like the fact that the first vagina I ever saw was in a magazine lying in the road when I was a kid, and I thought the woman had been shot with a double-barrelled shotgun. Then moved into representing how fucked up it is that I knew what a shotgun wound looked like before I knew what a vagina was. The meaning's obvious, but it's so short and simply told that it avoids being annoying, AND has a meaning that goes beyond that particular image (our screwed-up approach to sex & violence with kids). Pick something true which has an idea about something inherently attached to it - a person you've met, a place you've been, that time you had to kick that guy's ankles out from under him to assure yourself of a seat on the subway, whatever.

This is a good basic guide, written by one of my idols. It's mostly common sense, and can be applied to any kind of poetry you care to write even if imagism doesn't get your panties moist.

[JCC]

Every one in three of Apathy's_Child's posts is about that Ezra Pound essay.

[Apathy's_Child]

1. That's because apparently, no one ever fucking reads it.
2. I don't recall mentioning it at all in about a year. It's cute that my words make a lasting impression on you, though.
3. ........ YOUR MOM.