*sigh*

[KontanKarite]

I wish I had real confidence in myself. I do. But I don't. I just don't. It's not a lack of believing I'm capable of doing shit, it's a lack of believing that I'm actually worth something.

I don't know how to interact with people. I don't know what to give and what to keep.

I have this strange track record of making connections with people and then it dissipates like paper in water.

I'm starting to resent people thinking I'm physically attractive. Yes, I've been blessed. Thank you. But the more one focuses on this, the more I believe that I may not have anything really profound to offer. I start to question my real worth. What if I were to be horribly scarred? It could happen. I don't know if I'm really worth a fuck beyond eye candy and it REALLY hurts.

I have no self image issues, but more concrete issues. I have issues of where it really counts and I don't know what it is that I have to do to actually be worth a real good god damn.

I'm LONELY and I don't know how to fix it. I feel like a pretty package with no substance. I'm empty...

To those that do stick around me, I honestly don't get it. What is it that keeps them around? THERE IS SO MUCH BETTER OUT THERE! ...Fuck. That's what it feels like. I feel like I'm a first chapter, a stepping stone. Just a phase until someone gets to "the good stuff".

...I want to disappear. I want to roll up in a ball of light and shoot up into the sky, lightyears away.

...I am the enabler of my own doom, my own sorrow, and I am the tyranny of my own life. The actions of those I know, from my toddler days to these current days are only effect from my own cause.

It's a crying shame that someone can read me like a book just by knowing me for as little as a year. Goes to show how much depth I actually have.

What the fuck good am I? Oh well... the choices I make...

Sometimes I feel like I'm best as a memory than really something tangible.

[Raptor]

Originally Posted by KontanKarite

I have this strange track record of making connections with people and then it dissipates like paper in water.

I know how that goes.

Anyway, those people that stick around you, they won't be looking for something better. I guess you'll have to try to believe that and maybe try connecting with them more if you feel lonely.

I don't really know what else to say to be honest, but I hope you feel better about everything soon.

[Aaroneet]

My connections tend to dissipate as well. I know how you feel when people take one of your traits and blow it out of proportion as though it were your sole characteristic. Try to remember that, as previously stated, if people stick by you, it's because there's something redeeming about you. In the end it's those relationships that won't dissipate; regardless, it's a matter of how you feel about yourself. Make a list of your positive qualities and repeat them every time you think you have none.

The value of a person's life is, in my opinion, determined primarily by that person.

[KontanKarite]

Yeah...

I'm just hurting because she chose the whip over me.

[Tam Li Hua]

*hug*

Despite our disagreements, I want to say that you -do- have depth, and that this post is evidence of that.

I know how you feel about wanting to know if people are sincere or not in their affections. [This is one reason among many that it took me so long to forgive guys for being guys, and why it's taken me so long to find my Beloved.] For what it's worth, you -are- valuable, no matter what you look like.

[KontanKarite]

Thanks. I didn't really mean what I said to you earlier...

[Tam Li Hua]

Originally Posted by KontanKarite

Thanks. I didn't really mean what I said to you earlier...

No worries. We all have bad days.

I want you to find at least three things that you like about yourself. [This is something that one of my therapists did with me to help me build self-esteem.] Here's one to start off with: I like you because you are honest; there's nothing fake about you, and that's a -very- attractive trait.

[KontanKarite]

Yeah, I've got to try and keep that in mind.

I've been taking this passive rejection really hard.

She wants to keep me as a partner but isn't explicitly clear as to how far she wants to go with non-exclusive BDSM play. So I'm sitting here wondering if she's on the lookout for something better or what she thinks is better. I'm wondering if I'm enabling her to walk on me. I think I am.

[Tam Li Hua]

Originally Posted by KontanKarite

Yeah, I've got to try and keep that in mind.

I've been taking this passive rejection really hard.

She wants to keep me as a partner but isn't explicitly clear as to how far she wants to go with non-exclusive BDSM play. So I'm sitting here wondering if she's on the lookout for something better or what she thinks is better. I'm wondering if I'm enabling her to walk on me. I think I am.

It sounds like you need to talk to her about what you want in regards to BDSM, and your relationship in general. Everything I've heard about BDSM has made it -very- clear that ground rules need to be set well in advance of the actual act.

Perhaps you could take her aside and ask her what she expects from it, and tell her what you would like..? Maybe you guys can reach some kind of compromise.

[NightmareInShiningArmour]

Hey dude, it's okay. That's what Gothic.net is here for, we'll help you when ya need it. So what if everyone fights, shit happens.
Tam is right, you're a very honest guy. I've noticed you speak your mind more often than not. I like that in people because I'd rather cop shit straight out than find out they just didn't wanna hurt me when we met.
I seem to have this issue expect for when I'm with 3 people, my girlfriend and my two best friends. otherwise I'm surprised when someone doesn't find me as more than a piece of dog shit on someones shoe. Honestly, the other day a teacher told me that I wasn't that bad of a student and I almost literally burst out saying What The Fuck in front of her..
I've just not found a way to heighten my self esteem.
I seem to be able to help everyone but myself.
That probably didnt help much, but hey, i'm young and naive, what do I know, right?

[Solumina]

Tam had a really good idea, telling yourself what you like about yourself really does help, mainly because it forces you to really take a deep look at who you are, and it really gets you to stop hating yourself. The first few times it will seem kind of silly but as you do it every day it becomes more less forced and you can find out some interesting things (especially if you do it while half asleep).

You are a great guy, and you do have worth, but no matter how many people tell you that you wont feel it until you hear the words come out of your own mouth with conviction.

[Jaye Jang]

*HUGS* You're a decent guy. Don't let the turkeys get you down. Try the list, then do this: Read it back to yourself in a mirror. Old Army trick. Totally silly, but it works. Keep telling yourself, "I'm tough as old boot leather. I can handle this", until it sinks in. It works. (I used to have a boss who screamed in my face at work. Almost quit, until a coworker told me to just keep telling myself, "I'm not going to let this get to me" while she was at it -- silently, of course. It worked. I could calmly go about my job even with this woman having conniption fits. The sitatuation finally, sadly, worked itself out. She was 'disciplining' an employee one day and actually gave herself a heart attack. She's a lot calmer now). Sometimes you have to bail, and sometimes you just have to weather the storm and wait it out. Good luck, dude.

[Bete Noire]

I can relate very much to the loneliness thing. And the issues with interaction.

I can't really offer any solutions, but I can say that as an uncommonly clever and thoughtful person, you are rather more than a "pretty package with no substance"

You are certainly a pretty package, but you slight yourself by saying substanceless. You put rather more thought into life than anybody I know, and reason things quite a lot better than most of them too.
You have quite definitely got the capacity to offer something
profound.

You're not asking yourself easy questions, but I'm pretty sure you'll work through them.

[KontanKarite]

...I just got dumped.

[Technowitch]

That sucks, man. This probably isn't much of a consolation, but good riddance to her. From your previous posts, it seems more like she was trying to play you than actually pursue a romantic partnership. It'll hurt for a little while, but I know you'll be able to pick yourself up and move on with your life.

Besides, women outnumber men at least two to one. The odds are in your favor for finding Miss Right.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by Technowitch

Besides, women outnumber men at least two to one.

Wait a minute, that's the least true thing ever.

[Technowitch]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

Wait a minute, that's the least true thing ever.

Shush. I'm trying to make Kontan feel better. Don't ruin my plans. :<

[Tam Li Hua]

Originally Posted by KontanKarite

...I just got dumped.

*hugs*

I'm sorry.

[Wormboy]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

Wait a minute, that's the least true thing ever.

It's a gross exaggeration, true.


Conner, you're a great guy. You're sharp as a tack, you're really funny, you're brutally honest, and a lot of fun to talk to. You're a great guy, you'll meet someone great one day. Until then, this Saturday night we'll have a great time at Rocky.

[HumanePain]

Kon, you are far from empty: measure with your posts in politics. Those posts of substance show a brain behind it all. Your opinions influence people.

One of the great benefits of this place is that it acts like a diary for everyone. You can go back at other days in the past, and see what was on your mind. Sure, today you can't see anything positive, but there were other days where you were the sunlight in people's lives. I am not bullshitting, go look up your posts for yourself and then reflect again. You are a man of substance and character, not just looks. Me, I am just a character.