Good fucking day!

[Duane]

Waking up to that nice rolling stones song,
bobing your head as you put on some clothes.
Taking in the smell of brewed coffee, and toast,
yeah, what a good fucking day to be here, for sure.

Riding around in your expensive jaguar car,
crusing down the highway with no other in sight.
Turning on exit 9, preping for a another day of work,
damn, what a good fucking day to be me.

Checking out the chick with the basketball breasts,
swinging by again, just to see down her shirt.
Moving to the meeting room, rearing to go,
Shit, it's a good fucking day to be looking smooth.

Dropping the prototype to a new computer chip,
Stepping on it, while scrambling to secure.
Looking around the room, feeling embarresed,
What a good fucking day not to fake sick!

Packing up the office, taking my wares,
going to be kicked out in five minutes.
Sighing, thinking it could've been worse.
Such a good fucking day to leave the keys in the car!


That's it. I don't mind bad reviews. So, if you feel like critiqing, and all you have is "This is absolute shit!", go ahead.

[JCC]

Cursing should be used sparingly unless it's completely needed to show vehemence or strong emotion. Writing an entire poem around the premise of being able to say 'fuck' a lot without any particular reason isn't attractive.

The description doesn't have much... hook. A description of everyday life in poetry has been done before and done well, but there was strong evocative language and generally interesting use of phrasing, this seems like a "This happens, and then this happens, and then this happens" poem. Also, humour in poetry is always above unnecessary cursing. Take Rimbaud's 'Heart of a Clown'. He never says that he is being *****, he insinuates it. That's what makes it so crudely funny, your own mind brings you to the realization that the heart is a metaphor for the penis (which is another joke in itself).

It needs work, to be sure. I'm sure that all you need is practice, though.

[Duane]

I should also make use of my vocabulary... I can't seem to write a good poem... I'm sure evrything I could ever write has been done to death... I'll need to put a hell of alot more effort into my next attempt.

Thanks for the review.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by Duane

I should also make use of my vocabulary... I can't seem to write a good poem... I'm sure evrything I could ever write has been done to death... I'll need to put a hell of alot more effort into my next attempt.

Thanks for the review.

A good starting point is "has it already been done by someone who's way out of my league?" If the answer's yes, then don't bother.

I don't believe you can't write a good one. Just think of cliche and overused ideas as that chick with herpes - might seem like a good idea at first, but you'll regret it once you've finished.

[Duane]

I guess I'll have to work as hard as possible to improve.

[JCC]

Originally Posted by Duane

I guess I'll have to work as hard as possible to improve.

That's the problem. You can improve your technique, your grammar, your vocabulary. But poetry should be straight from the mind. It should flow onto the page with no hesitation, one line to the next.

[HumanePain]

In my humble opinion the best way to improve is to read other writers.
Then you will see what has already been done, or even better, how different authors write the same thing in different ways, using their own colors and intensities. Once you see other paintings, you learn what images are kindred to your own soul's vision, and can then carve out a niche for your unique style of expression.

From reading Samuel Johnson, I learned how avoid cliches and shallow subjects, from reading Poe I learned satire and of course melancholy styles, from reading Milton I learned to convey emotions, from reading Emerson I learned to dress down to earth experience of reality in philosophy, and so on and so forth, so much to learn! Then when you return to pen and paper, your soul can soar higher and farther than ever before!

OK, so I over used some metaphors, but you get the idea.