What you should already know.

Amunet · 02-22-2010, 06:23 AM

Circles of what some might call love
I knew better a long time ago,
but I stayed, never strayed from your constant rejection,
not a person, or an equal, more than this feeble
comparison.
To all that have come before me
how you've punished me for crimes I'd never commit.
I quit.
I've tried to give you more than everything,
but it wasn't enough,
my love wasn't enough.
I don't know what else to say to you,
I don't know what else to feel,
You use them against me, like I didn't warn you,
you didn't think I had it in me at all?!
You promised me once that you would never hurt me,
but the damage you did will hurt me forever.
I'm sorry for giving up on you,
but that's all I could do,
don't think I'm not lying here, thinking of you.
Running right back would be weak and so easy,
You're my magnet but I'm fighting this time.
I won't drown in your sorrow,
I need my tomorrow,
hope and a future that I can be proud of.

Underwater Ophelia · 02-22-2010, 06:56 AM

This is nothing more than the cliched and uninspired ramblings of a middle schooler.
Try again, though.

Amunet · 02-22-2010, 07:02 AM

thanks for the uplifting words as always.

Underwater Ophelia · 02-22-2010, 07:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amunet

thanks for the uplifting words as always.

Yeah, just write off my criticism because I'm a bitch. Whatever it takes.

Amunet · 02-22-2010, 07:21 AM

I didn't say that.

but I wish that you wouldn't be as mean about the way you criticize things, especially because you really don't know me as a person. I mean that in itself is obvious because you somehow think I'm in middle school but I'm actually a 23 yr old woman with some pretty rough life experiences.

I'm getting out some deep seeded emotions because I'm going through a lot right now, and writing stuff down is part of a coping process, however discombobulated it is.
Just thought you should know.

thanks.

Underwater Ophelia · 02-22-2010, 07:28 AM

Look, I know you're not really in middle school, and I realize that adults go through rough times.

That doesn't make this good, and I'm not interested in your life. I don't have to know you to see that this, as far as value as poetry goes, is worthless.

I'm not interested in the things I say being nice, I'm interested in them being true. My only mistake in my initial post was not explaining exactly why this is worthless, but honestly, I feel like it's obvious.

Mariner · 02-22-2010, 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

Look, I know you're not really in middle school, and I realize that adults go through rough times.

That doesn't make this good, and I'm not interested in your life. I don't have to know you to see that this, as far as value as poetry goes, is worthless.

I'm not interested in the things I say being nice, I'm interested in them being true. My only mistake in my initial post was not explaining exactly why this is worthless, but honestly, I feel like it's obvious.

Maybe it is obvious...but constructive criticism would be a lot more considerate, and would help Amunet to improve her writing in the future. The criticism you have given is just pointless.

Underwater Ophelia · 02-22-2010, 08:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mariner

Maybe it is obvious...but constructive criticism would be a lot more considerate, and would help Amunet to improve her writing in the future. The criticism you have given is just pointless.

I've already addressed that.

Mariner · 02-22-2010, 08:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

I've already addressed that.

Yeah...just had to point out how annoyingly useless your criticism of Amunet's poetry was.

Back to the original post. This poem seems like a jumble of thoughts, I can't really find any flow going on here. I think you're trying to jam too much into this one little poem.

Amunet · 02-22-2010, 08:25 AM

thanks for that Mariner, I appreciate it.

You're correct. it is just a jumble of thoughts, it's not constructed at all...
I was just writing whatever came out, this wasn't about good poetry, like i said, sometimes just writing what I'm feeling/thinking is a coping mechanism for me. I don't think I could write anything worth reading at this point.
Anyways, thanks for the input though.
Maybe at some point I will actually write something that's appealing to Gnet.
Maybe not.

Mariner · 02-22-2010, 09:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amunet

thanks for that Mariner, I appreciate it.

You're correct. it is just a jumble of thoughts, it's not constructed at all...
I was just writing whatever came out, this wasn't about good poetry, like i said, sometimes just writing what I'm feeling/thinking is a coping mechanism for me. I don't think I could write anything worth reading at this point.
Anyways, thanks for the input though.
Maybe at some point I will actually write something that's appealing to Gnet.
Maybe not.

lol You'll have to specify the purpose of your poetry next time, everyone here is much too critical to think you set out for anything but perfection when writing this. Just keep writing down those emotions and life experiences, improvement will come with time and practice.

Underwater Ophelia · 02-22-2010, 09:25 AM

No one here expects perfection. Are you fucking kidding? Perfection from anyone here? No. And no, she doesn't need to state the purpose of her writing when she puts it here. It won't change anything. Whether or not she meant for this to be good, it's bad.

If a person does not want his or her writing to be commented on, they should not put it in a place where they KNOW it will be commented on.

Amunet · 02-22-2010, 09:36 AM

or maybe they just post because that's all they want to do, is get their thoughts out. I don't care who comments or not, but I mean there is a line between rudeness and just not liking something. In my opinion.

Underwater Ophelia · 02-22-2010, 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amunet

or maybe they just post because that's all they want to do, is get their thoughts out. I don't care who comments or not, but I mean there is a line between rudeness and just not liking something. In my opinion.

I wasn't rude. I didn't insult you at all. I said things that were true. I'm not a person who muddles the truth to make people feel better. This "poem" is poorly written, uninspired, and reminiscent of something a 12 year old would come up with. There is nothing rude there, but there are true things you don't like, and in fact, I encouraged you to keep trying.

Now I will be rude: fuck off with your "everyone is right and everything has worth" bullshit.

Amunet · 02-22-2010, 09:58 AM

I'm just saying Ophelia, maybe you could word your criticism better, because most of the time, you come off sounding like a bitch when honestly I'm sure you're not always trying to be one...
That's all, I never tried to start fighting with you, and I wish you'd let whatever grudge you have with me go.

Underwater Ophelia · 02-22-2010, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amunet

I'm just saying Ophelia, maybe you could word your criticism better, because most of the time, you come off sounding like a bitch when honestly I'm sure you're not always trying to be one...
That's all, I never tried to start fighting with you, and I wish you'd let whatever grudge you have with me go.

What you don't understand is that there is no grudge. If you did or said something good I would react positively.

I don't feel the need to word my criticism any differently than I do, because it doesn't bother me much to be thought of as a bitch to someone who would think so.

FlowerGirl · 02-22-2010, 10:26 AM

Some people write their emotions out to mitigate the ambivalence they feel. I can understand the pain you must be going through - the jumbled sentence structure (not criticism) underscores the positive and negative valences you exhibit - it is not that you react unlogically, but merely because you are in a cumbersome state of mind. From your choice of language, I can see that you are truly torn between feelings of love and readiness in your pride...time will eventually heal such wounds. 'You just have to be willing to apply a plaster over it.'
Keep writing to find the balance you're searching for. You can do it.

Mariner · 02-22-2010, 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

I wasn't rude. I didn't insult you at all. I said things that were true. I'm not a person who muddles the truth to make people feel better. This "poem" is poorly written, uninspired, and reminiscent of something a 12 year old would come up with. There is nothing rude there, but there are true things you don't like, and in fact, I encouraged you to keep trying.

Now I will be rude: fuck off with your "everyone is right and everything has worth" bullshit.

No Ophelia it isn't rude to voice your criticism, what was rude was the way in which you did it. It is whether you know it or not, possible to tell someone you dislike their writing without being an ass about it. Although you encouraged her to try again, what was said before this advice made it sound very half-hearted and sarcastic.

gothicusmaximus · 02-22-2010, 03:21 PM

Nothing Ophelia has said is even one quintillionth as offensive to Amunet as this 'poem' is to the institution of literature and to intelligent people worldwide. If Ophelia infiltrated my apartment while I was sleeping, broke my space heater, and peed on my head, I would probably be only two thirds as insulted as I am by this morose blathering + line breaks.

Mariner · 02-22-2010, 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

Nothing Ophelia has said is even one quintillionth as offensive to Amunet as this 'poem' is to the institution of literature and to intelligent people worldwide. If Ophelia infiltrated my apartment while I was sleeping, broke my space heater, and peed on my head, I would probably be only two thirds as insulted as I am by this morose blathering + line breaks.

More pointless and completely useless criticism.