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| General General questions and meet 'n greet and welcome! |
03-08-2011, 06:31 PM
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#151
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Um, lower, oh yeah, uh, uh ... YES THERE!
Posts: 6,738
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I'm resurrecting this because we still need a joke thread. There have been 6 or more created in the recent past, but this looked like the best one to revive.
( However, there are a lot of great jokes in this old thread: https://www.gothic.net/boards/showth...highlight=Joke )
Q) How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A) Only one, but it takes an entire emergency room to remove it.
A brain goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you."
The brain says, "Why not?"
The bartender says, "You're already out of your head."
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like.
The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like.
The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like.
The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."
The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct.
You want two bloods and a blood light?
Okay, I know that one is lame.
Also, I wanted to point out that http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/ is a reliable source of amusement. The spell-check function on iPhones seems to mess up people's chat messages quite a bit. I was even able to download the DYAC app for my Android phone, so I can laugh at the Apple hijinks on the go!
__________________
Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!
As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.
Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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03-09-2011, 07:39 AM
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#152
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Um, lower, oh yeah, uh, uh ... YES THERE!
Posts: 6,738
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__________________
Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!
As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.
Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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03-09-2011, 08:16 AM
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#153
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Um, lower, oh yeah, uh, uh ... YES THERE!
Posts: 6,738
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"Todd Rundgren sang 'I don't wanna work I just wanna bang on this drum all day' but wasn't banging on a drum all day his job description?" - Stephen Colbert
__________________
Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!
As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.
Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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04-03-2011, 09:36 AM
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#154
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Um, lower, oh yeah, uh, uh ... YES THERE!
Posts: 6,738
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Sign seen in a Chicago area BORDERS store:
Someone's a little bitter.
__________________
Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!
As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.
Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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04-03-2011, 10:15 PM
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#155
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Smexyville, Colorado
Posts: 2,424
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__________________
******
Be Kind
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04-04-2011, 10:20 AM
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#156
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Um, lower, oh yeah, uh, uh ... YES THERE!
Posts: 6,738
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Yeah, I liked it when I first saw it. It tails off a little at the end as he gradually squeezes his target audience down to some doctoral students, but yeah ... good stuff.
__________________
Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!
As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.
Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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04-21-2011, 10:35 AM
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#157
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Um, lower, oh yeah, uh, uh ... YES THERE!
Posts: 6,738
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Oh MYYYYYY!!!
This is gross, but it is also the funniest double, triple and quadruple-take I have seen in some time!
AIR DRY
__________________
Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!
As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.
Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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04-30-2011, 10:28 PM
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#158
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: New York City
Posts: 190
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This video amused me all the way through, but 1:20 was truly  yet simultaneously  and  .
*difficult to describe verbally, would be interesting to have this guy here..*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FefWp_4B0k
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05-06-2011, 07:50 PM
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#159
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: New York City
Posts: 190
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"The bats have left the barn tower, the chickens have been fed, red kernel lines, the catbox, Billy the Goat is Dead!"
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05-19-2011, 07:33 AM
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#160
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bete Noire
Cthulhu does not deal in "overkill"
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ok. another dead baby joke
whats worse than a dead baby?
a pile of dead babies.
________________
Provigil
Generic Provigil
generic Provigil online
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05-19-2011, 08:38 AM
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#161
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Um, lower, oh yeah, uh, uh ... YES THERE!
Posts: 6,738
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What's worse than a pile of dead babies?
A live one in the middle trying to eat it's way out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've heard all the dead baby jokes. Do better.
__________________
Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!
As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.
Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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06-27-2011, 03:40 PM
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#162
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Cimmeria
Posts: 7,162
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What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once !!!. 
__________________
For in each delve and greenwood,
far wiser creatures play,
and in their veins and sinews,
live the gods of yesterday.
Be excellent to one another !!!. 
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06-27-2011, 07:56 PM
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#163
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Um, lower, oh yeah, uh, uh ... YES THERE!
Posts: 6,738
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Beo, that was awesome, man!
There was some serious chuckling going on this side of my keyboard when I read that!
__________________
Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!
As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.
Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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07-11-2011, 03:07 PM
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#164
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Cimmeria
Posts: 7,162
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Q:What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it !!!.
A kid gets his first bass guitar on condition that he gets Bass guitar lessons, after the first lesson, his dad asks `So what did you learn this week` ?
So he got his bass and played `dum dum dum dum`
The next week he comes home and again his father asks what did he learn, so he plays `da dum-da dum-da-dum-dum-dum`
The following week the kid returns 3 hours late with a girl in each arm smelling of cigarettes and booze...
So the dad asks `so where have you been, and what did you learn this week` ?
So his son replys ...
`I got a gig`
__________________
For in each delve and greenwood,
far wiser creatures play,
and in their veins and sinews,
live the gods of yesterday.
Be excellent to one another !!!.
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07-22-2011, 11:48 PM
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#165
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: In your trash can
Posts: 2,594
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What word starts with F and ends in UCK?
A: firetruck
__________________
"Always be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle." - Plato
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life
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07-25-2011, 05:45 AM
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#166
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Gateshead, Tyne & Wear, England
Posts: 50
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I've been getting a lot of Amy Winehouse jokes as texts. Since I haven't been on here long enough to gauge people's views on her, so don't want to post them in case I upset someone I shouldn't... 
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07-31-2011, 12:36 PM
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#167
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Um, lower, oh yeah, uh, uh ... YES THERE!
Posts: 6,738
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I wouldn't.
This isn't a joke, but a teacher administering a good burn to a former student on Facebook (even if it is fake) is worth a few chuckles to me:
__________________
Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!
As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.
Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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07-31-2011, 02:15 PM
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#168
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Cimmeria
Posts: 7,162
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ben Lahnger
I wouldn't.
This isn't a joke, but a teacher administering a good burn to a former student on Facebook (even if it is fake) is worth a few chuckles to me:
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That is funny Ben, gave me some chuckles too !!!.
__________________
For in each delve and greenwood,
far wiser creatures play,
and in their veins and sinews,
live the gods of yesterday.
Be excellent to one another !!!.
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08-03-2011, 08:48 PM
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#169
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Um, lower, oh yeah, uh, uh ... YES THERE!
Posts: 6,738
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__________________
Lead me not into temptation ... follow me, I know a shortcut!
As the poets have mournfully sung,
death takes the innocent young,
the rolling in money,
the screamingly funny,
and those who are very well hung.
Your days are numbered - 26,280 per person on average - 2,000,000,000 heartbeats ... tick, tick, tick
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08-04-2011, 12:05 AM
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#170
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Richmond, United Kingdom
Posts: 12
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1. I told my gran i got work in a strip club last week.
She said "Are you having me on".
I replied "Il have to ask the boss about that".
2. Stephen Hawkin is in hospital. 2 Broken legs, dislocated shoulder and broken hip.
Apparantly he went on a date last night and she Stood him up.
3. i bought my epileptic brother a Strobe light for christmas.
He gonna have a Fit when he see's it.
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08-29-2011, 12:08 AM
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#171
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: The centural valley C.A
Posts: 17
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No, pun in ten did
Two elephants and a symbol fall off a cliff , bud umph tch. A polar bear walks into a bar he say's I'll have ahhhhhhhhhh beer , bartender say s why the big pause polar bear looks down and says I don't know I guess I've always had them.
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08-29-2011, 03:42 AM
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#172
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "Historic" River City
Posts: 327
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A baby seal walks into a club.
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08-29-2011, 06:11 AM
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#173
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,271
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Quote:
Originally Posted by spooky spencer
a baby seal walks into a club.
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ha! .................................................
__________________
I'd rather label myself than have a million other people do it for me. ~ Pathogen
...I've been accused of folly by a fool. ~Antigone
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08-29-2011, 01:21 PM
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#174
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: The centural valley C.A
Posts: 17
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Ha.... A gypsy fourtune teller escaped from prison she was known as a small medium at large.... This guy got his whole left side cut off,but it's ok he's all right now.... Whats love mean to you cause to me it means I never win at tennis
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09-04-2011, 11:19 AM
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#175
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Cimmeria
Posts: 7,162
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How can you tell when a drummer is level ?
He drools out of both sides of his mouth !!!.
__________________
For in each delve and greenwood,
far wiser creatures play,
and in their veins and sinews,
live the gods of yesterday.
Be excellent to one another !!!.
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