Beautiful Tragedy

[coffy x]

I'd welcome everyone's opinion on this. What do you think? What's wrong with it?

Beautiful Tragedy
© Rochelle Harris


She bellows a galvanizing cry
For she has a broken wing
And cannot fly

What is it to be a butterfly
Who possessed so much vivacity
And cannot fly?

What crime had she committed
To be rendered without a spirit
And to the thought of suicide?

Is this Devil’s call
To destine her to this devastating fall
Or is this of her own making?

She cocooned herself in narcissism
Burying in her thoughts
Those who valued her existance most

Until one day she flew with grand momentum
And crashed on the land of man
And broke her beautiful wing at the last stand -

The last stand of those who demanded
Her love,
Her attention

Is this Devil’s call
To destine her to this devastating fall
Or is this of her own making?

Ever beautiful,
Ever obstinate,
And she is forever doomed

“Oh,” she sighs,
And attempts a last flight
Before the time she dies

For she misused and abused
And did not love To the death
She took her final breath

Is this Devil’s call
To destine her to this devastating fall
Or is this of her own making?

[Valravn]

I think is really nice! Unfortunately I'm not much a writer so i can't give much of a constructive opinion.

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

You're trying to hard.

[Noirette]

Agreed.
Try not to tell the reader exactly the point of the poem.
You describe it too much, which makes the poem look a little massy and tiring.
But overall, It's nice. I like the idea of it.

[coffy x]

I appreciate your input, guys.

I just wrote without any restrictions. lol

Noriette, I guess that's a problem. I wanted this to come out the way it's written, without a plethora of metaphors, imagery, and to the point. I guess I overly elaborated, and that might have defeated the purpose of the poem. Thanks for your input, hon. I greatly appreciate it.

I am gonna revise it.

[Fatbaby]

I liked the direction the poem is going. Some of your rhymes are pushed or forced, and the eighth and twelfth stanzas are the same. I thought the eleventh stanza was a better ending than a repetition.

[Sir_Vex]

The poem itself was fair enough. I didn't find it to be great, but I did enjoy reading it. The name needs to change though, beautiful tragedy is far to cliche.

[parasitejeans]

I like the plot..i cant really comment on it since i'm no good at it..
But i like reading it..
Post some more!

[coffy x]

Beautiful Tragedy

She bellows a galvanizing cry
For she has a broken wing
And cannot fly

What is it to be a butterfly
Who possessed so much vivacity
And cannot fly?

What crime had she committed
To be rendered spiritless
And to the thought of suicide?

Is this Devil’s call
To destine her to this devastating fall
Or is this her own making?

She cocooned a narcissism
Burying in her thoughts
Those who valued her existance

Until one day she flew with grand momentum
And crashed on the land
And broke her beautiful wing

At the last demand for
Her love,
Her attention

Is this Devil’s call
To destine her to this devastating fall
Or is this her own making?

Ever beautiful,
Ever obstinate,
And she is forever doomed

“Oh,” she sighs,
And attempts her last flight
Before the time she dies

For she misused
And did not love to the death
She took her final breath



Thanks to everyone who replied.

I revised the poem a bit, dropping and adding a few words, as some were just unnecessary and a bit elaborate. I also dropped the last stanza as Fatbaby suggested I should do. I also felt that it should be dropped.

Now, about the title. I wanna stick with this title...as cliche as it as. lol. Maybe I'll change it later.

[Fatbaby]

I like that a lot more. But please don't follow my advice, I'm just a perky goth.

[Noirette]

It is way better.
I disliked only one thing, the "Didn't love to death". That sounds kind of cliche.

[stolide]

Cool... Interesting... I like it.

I think I'll post some of my poetry and see what people think of it...