Tobias

Duane · 06-13-2008, 11:40 PM

I decided to change the title of my cliche as cliche novel to "Tobias... so yeah.

It's another first day of school, and the excitement is overwhelming. As usual, the cheerleaders were practicing their cheers, JC and his band were in the music room playing some Stones. Sgt. Miller was having a stroke trying to get everyone to stop running around, he was the coach for basically every team, and if he could; he'd have everyone do laps around the track. Mr. Jefferson did his usual "How are you, youngsters!?Welcome back to another year of learning!". You could see Mr. Paine, who was a god to JC, playing his guitar in his office and singing some Zeppilin. Oh yes, it was going to such a great year, now if you'll excuse me, the volleyball team is doing laps around the gym.

Duane · 06-14-2008, 10:43 PM

Totally sucks dude, should've put more feeling into it.

Meh, I thought it was okay... just didn't have enough of... well, doesn't seem to have been written well.

*Chuck Norris walk in* I say it's awesome*all critics nod their heads in agreement, and say no more*

Mir · 06-15-2008, 04:40 AM

Errr... you feeling alright there dude?

JCC · 06-15-2008, 05:28 AM

I don't get it. What's it about, and why is the excerpt so tiny?

Paigeybobert · 06-15-2008, 09:42 AM

I thought this was going to be about Arrested Development.

Duane · 06-15-2008, 10:04 AM

I'm fine Mir, it's just that no one really leaves any constructive criticism on my lit anymore.

JCC, it's about life at school. I had a friend over at the time, so I couldn't just spend an hour writing a long interlude.

Paigeybobert, I thought it was going to be about a man who grows tired of the K K K, and takes it upon himself to rid the world of them.

Apathy's_Child · 06-15-2008, 10:49 AM

It's very short, and as such doesn't seem to have an idea. I guess my Aadvice is to come up with an idea and then write the story/poem/whatever around it. This seemed like you were writing just to write, which is good for practice, but not if you want to make something worth keeping.

What were you trying to convey about your character? What's he like, and what are your themes?

Duane · 06-15-2008, 11:15 AM

I have an idea, I was going to write more, but I had company over. My next post will be longer, and better... hopefully. Hm, and no, I just wanted to post this up, not just write, but to get it started.

I was trying to convey that he noticed just about everything that's around, I don't know how to put it more articulately at the moment. Well, I haven't gotten all the details down on any of the characers, but whatever. He's a bit silent, quite intelligant, plays guitar, very protective of Kelly, and he's a bit of a perv.

As for the last question...I can't answer that right now.

Duane · 06-15-2008, 01:51 PM

Come on people, if you have time to check this piece of lit out, you have time to post a comment on it.

JCC · 06-15-2008, 02:24 PM

Duane, there's not much to say about a couple of sentences.

Duane · 06-15-2008, 02:41 PM

So, other than it being short, is there anything else you find wrong with it, JCC?

Disaffected Shoelaces · 06-15-2008, 02:47 PM

It's hard to tell from such a short extract.

JCC · 06-15-2008, 03:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Duane

So, other than it being short, is there anything else you find wrong with it, JCC?

I thought it was... boring. There was nothing there.

Duane · 06-15-2008, 03:24 PM

Well, what do you suggest I do about that?

JCC · 06-15-2008, 03:29 PM

Make it interesting?

Duane · 06-15-2008, 03:35 PM

How???????

Underwater Ophelia · 06-15-2008, 03:49 PM

This is about nothing, there are no characters, and it's written poorly. The structure is all wrong.

Also, you spelled "Zeppelin" wrong.

Duane · 06-15-2008, 03:58 PM

......Harsh,but true..........

Duane · 06-15-2008, 04:32 PM

Well, I'm not going to let that get in the way.

Some people are known for their skills with the sack, others for knowing how to speak well, here and there you might find some acknowledged musicians, you could even find a mini Rocky if you looked hard enough. Rocky Balboa jr, Central Calis' friendly neighborhood Italian Stallion, can usually be found at the local gym, sometimes jumping over benches at Reilly Park. This guy was a little fanatical about Sly, but other than that, he was pretty cool. He was also one hell of a boxer, he could take a massive beating and still come through for the win.

How did he get so good? He's been boxing his entire life, learned from the best! Rocky, Rocky Balboa Sr., (( Who was on his way to becoming a Heavy-weight champion, but due to unknown circumstances dropped out several days before the fight took place)) and his grandfather (( Who claims to have started the chicken chasing thing))

((Yeah, I know. It's short, but eh. I'll add more later, for my "loyal fans"))

Xombie · 06-15-2008, 04:48 PM

To start things off, your grammar is terrible. If you're considering writing an entire novel, you may want to work on that.

It seems already as if this story is going to be like every single other "life in highschool" tale. There is nothing that is unique about this.

I'm seriously not trying to be a bitch, but in my opinion I think it'd be best if you ditched this story and started anew. This has been done over and over again, and paper is being wasted each time.

Duane · 06-15-2008, 04:55 PM

I know, I just want to write a novel like this. I realize it screams
"unoriginal", but I want to write a novel like this, anyways.

About my grammar... ugh...

JCC · 06-16-2008, 08:46 AM

Your problem is that you are mundanely describing the mundane.

If you were mundanely describing the brilliant, or brilliantly describing the mundane, your story would be more interesting.

But you don't.

Duane · 06-16-2008, 09:04 AM

Could you give me some examples?

JCC · 06-16-2008, 09:08 AM

The Beats were fantastic at bringing everyday things to life.

Disaffected Shoelaces · 06-16-2008, 11:53 AM

Vice versa, Brett Easton Ellis and Chuck Palahniuk write very well about the boring and mundane aspects of life.