Ramblings from a bat - ignore it

[Fruitbat]

I’m nervous. It’s my first day at the office. First days suck. I collect a vistor’s pass from the fierce looking security guard.

Timidly I smile at George who comes down to escort me up to the office space occupied by g.net.

“So Dorothy, are you ready for what awaits you?”
“Sure” I smile, my anxiety levels shooting through the roof. I’ve heard rumours about this place, but as an optimist, I want to think they are untrue.

When the elevator doors open on the 13th floor, George states “Welcome to g.net”

I look around. I expected cubicles but instead there are a couches, and beanbags, making the place look more like a rumpus room than offices.

“Who are they?” I ask, tipping my head to the left. There is a group of people, heads bend forward in a deep discussion from the looks of their body language. They are playing a board game perhaps.

“They are the old guard” he says admiringly. “ Clever, smart, use big words” he adds condescendingly as he sees the look of confusion on my face.

Jerk-wad. I was hoping for introductions
“And those, they look like Goths and a few punks” I say looking at a group of people who are kicking back on the lounge.

Some are strumming guitars, while others are talking about fashion. A few are hanging around a sewing machine making new fashions.

“Correct” he states. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m going to be introduced to any of them.

“And what does that sign say, above that other area?”
“Oh that’s where the sock puppets and trolls reside. You’ll be slotted in there until you can prove otherwise, or you run the gauntlet.”
“Oh great” I mutter. “What’s the gauntlet?”
He smiles knowingly. “You’ll see”

If I didn’t have rent to pay, I sure as heck wouldn’t be standing here near the lifts of this crazy office.

“Hello, Hello” an insistent voice calls out.
I look to where the voice comes from. There is a giant playpen with six foot high electric fence.

My palms start sweating. A person in a bat costume is jumping up and down waving like crazy.
“Ignore her” George states.
“Well it’s a little hard” I say, unable to take my eyes off the spectacle.
“Who is that?” I watch hypnotised as the bat starts to do a really bad dance routine. It’s crashing into everything.

“Come play with meeee” it sings. I want to put my fingers in my ears. It’s terribly off-tune.

A girl approaches. “Hi, I’ll be your tourguide. Don’t mind fruitbat, she’s really quite harmless. Someone decided to run an experiment on her. They wanted to see the reaction of caffeine mixed with alcohol in a scotch and coke would do to her. She’s either going to go hyperactive or go to sleep.

“I love you, love you and you and you and you” Fruitbat starts calling out.
“Is it always like this in here?” I say nervously, shuffling back towards the lift.
“Hey you fucktards” a voice from behind calls.
Someone pushes past me. “Show me your titties” he calls, marching across the room, pushing a Goth off their seat, dragging the chair towards the deep thinkers.
“How’s the fruitbat experiment going?” he asks in a loud voice.
“Ducky I love youooooooo” Fruitbat calls across the room.
“Fuck the caffeine is winning isn’t it?” Ducky yells loudly.”Fuck off you fucking fucktard” he adds.
“I love you” Fruitbat calls back.
“Can we fucking gag her?” Duck asks.
“We tried” says the girl wearing spock ears. “But she chewed through the last one we put on her this morning. And we are fresh out of Kevlar”
There is an almighty crash. I look towards the playpen. Fruitbat has curled up into a ball and is snoring loudly.

I take a step back towards the lift.
The rumours are true.

George notices the movement. “It’s a really great place to work” he says.
“I don’t know” I mumble. Ducky rows the office chair past me, “Show me your titties” he shouts. “Trying out for the fuckin’ Olympics.”
“Does he always swear this much?” I ask George.
“That’s his way” George states.
Warning light starts to flash and no one pays any attention when a siren starts.
It sounds like a fire alarm.
“Shouldn’t we be getting out of here?” I ask.
“No don’t go. Not yet, we haven’t had tea, would you like a scone?” a kind voice from behind offers.
“How did you get out?” George demands.
“Don’t you know fruitbats can fly?” she smiles as she pitches a scone at Ducky.
It hits him in the back of his head.
He leaps up, grabs and ax from somewhere under the table and adopts the stance of a baseball batter.
Fruitbat throws another scone. This time Ducky hits it with the ax. The ax shatters.
“Fuck you fucktard” he shouts. “Show me your titties”
“No. You’ll go blind” Fruitbat shouts back.
“I don’t care.”
She throws another scone at him. It misses and it hits one of the deep thinkers.
A guy strides across the floor towards us with a rifle in his hand. “It’s only a tranquilizer” George whispers, grabbing my elbow pulling me out of the way.
“I’m a good shot” he says as he takes aim at Fruitbat.

[Versus]

I was very amused. I wonder, though: is there more?

Also! I picture g.net as something closer to a zoo then an office. But maybe that's just me.

[Fruitbat]

The tranquilizer bounces off Fruitbat's thick hide.
"Oh give it here" Ducky shouts trying to wrestle the gun off the guy.
"He won't get it off deadman walking" George whispers softly.
Fruitbat is distracted by a short dark-haired guy stalking through the offices.
"Marry me!!!" she shouts.
"Who is that?" i ask.
"That's Goku. Everyone hates him. He's one of the moderators here."
Goku walks quickly past Fruitbat who is trying to offer him scones. He's refusing to take any.
"Ahhh.." she sighs dreamily. "I will marry him after I've married a Bugatti Veyron" she says.
I give George a she's-got-to-be-crazy look.
He nods.
Fruitbat skips off towards the playpen, touching the fence. She gets fried. Not once but several times before she pulls the wires out of the wall.
"Don't, shouldn't isn't..." I mumble.
George looks at me and shrugs. "Each to their own"


***
and that's it.. that's all I got at the moment.. the characters are off on coffee break or something.

Told you it was pretty ordinary

[ape descendant]

<3<3<3 It's pure genius!!

[Fruitbat]

AD - like the new avi - red hair - smokin' hot!!

[ape descendant]

Why thank you... I may have to get my hair colored like that.. as I am quite a fan of red.

[Fruitbat]

Originally Posted by Versus

I was very amused. I wonder, though: is there more?

Also! I picture g.net as something closer to a zoo then an office. But maybe that's just me.

I wrote it as an office, because I've worked in some pretty terrible offices.

A zoo is full of cute animals - an office is full of animals who think they are cute.

[Versus]

A zoo is full of cute animals - an office is full of animals who think they are cute.

Hahaha....

[Fruitbat]

yeah offices are all fun and games until someone gets a suction dart in the eye or a stress ball in the side of the head, then it's urban warfare.

Oh and I have rowed an office chair around an office before - except there were just two of us, and no bicycle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Na0qnYO81E

[Versus]

That was awesome.

And I direct you to office wars.

[Fruitbat]

Versus - gives a whole new meaning to first person shooter games.

I'd love to do something like that IRL. It would be friggin hilarious. But you'd have to have strict rules - like once your hit you are down.

Kinda makes my single shooter dart gun look underpowered and inadequate... But I did have a yellow stress ball with a smiley face on it.

[mindless1]

Great writing and it was funny. It reminded me of some crazy dreams I have.