The Moon

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

The Moon


...Gazing out into the night,
A sight enchants my wand'ring eye:
A brill'iant Moon of greenish light
Glows brightly in the dark-blue sky.

"Silv'ry crescent! Ever shining!
On the strings of Heaven borne.
To'ward mine, always, face aligning;
How you Welkin's vaults adorn!

But Moon! I know despite your grace
And your high celest'ial throne,
Sadness hides behind your face:
For you, like me, are all alone."

[kiddo]

wow that is just beutiful
oh um hey i'm kiddo (shy giggle)

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Originally Posted by kiddo

wow that is just beutiful
oh um hey i'm kiddo (shy giggle)

Warm greetings, Kiddo. Thank you so much for your kind compliment. I'm very excited to have found a place where poetry seems to be appreciated. I'm afraid that it's a dying art form.

I'll update my profile and post more poetry soon as well. Thanks again for your response.

Yours,
~The Feathered Ætheling~

[kiddo]

poetry is the best and most remarkable way to express ones true feelings.
is it not?

[M.Valdemar]

Originally Posted by kiddo

poetry is the best and most remarkable way to express ones true feelings.
is it not?

Maybe not; Maybe.

Keep posting all poetry!

[kiddo]

What country are you's from? Just out of curiosity coz I’m from Australia.

[M.Valdemar]

Originally Posted by kiddo

What country are you's from? Just out of curiosity coz I’m from Australia.

Who is that?

[kiddo]

not who's that what's that Australia is a country and curiosity is me being curios

[kiddo]

Usted sabe volver en el día cuando personas estaban hablando con usted. Normalmente respondería!!!!!!!!!!!!

[M.Valdemar]

Originally Posted by kiddo

Usted sabe volver en el día cuando personas estaban hablando con usted. Normalmente respondería!!!!!!!!!!!!

Canada .

[kiddo]

was that so hard?

[M.Valdemar]

No, I just wanted to make sure you were asking me.

[kiddo]

yes i was asking you don't worry coz i know why you asked i put yous didn't i it's coz i was talking to Chloe (my Blondie friend) and Matt (my brother) at the same time as i was typing and i can't multitask.

[gothicusmaximus]

the first two stanzas are trite and completely unnecessary.
The third stanza at least contains a poetic idea, albeit a tired one. The language with which you develop that idea needs to be more uniquely yours, though-- personification of the moon, the phrase 'celestial throne', and the attribution of grace to heavenly bodies are horses so long dead that you're pretty much just pounding yellow bones into dust. Also, your rhymes read as forced.

Should the third to last line actually end in a colon? And what elision, exactly, does the apostrophe in 'to'ward' represent?

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Ah! An on-topic comment!? I'm most pleased...

Gothicus, thank you very much for your constructive criticism. I agree that the last stanza is by far the most important one, but I don't think that the first two are completely unnecessary. I wanted to build up my description and admiration of the moon before concluding the poem in order to establish a greater contrast. I also personally like the imagery in the first two stanzas. After all, the poem would be too short if it only contained the last stanza. You're definitely right about my "poetic idea" being tired though - a poem about "loneliness" is not innovative in the least. Besides "love", "loneliness" is about the biggest cliche I can imagine.

You're not the first to point out my "dead horse" style. I have a friend who once said to me, "you're a pretty good writer; too bad your style went out of fashion over a thousand years ago". Ha, ha, ha... I know I'm not an avant garde writer in any sense, but I think that my style is unique enough these days. I find that older English form is much more versitile for poetry than contemporary English (not to mention, the vocabulary is more fun), and I much prefer its sound. Poetry that conforms to very strict rules of rhyme and rhythm is rare these days. This is just my personal taste, and I know that it's not for everyone. I'm honestly quite curious how receptive a modern audience would be to something like this so it's good to get feedback regarding the style itself.

I'm not sure why my rhymes read as forced here, but that is interesting. The rhymes are undoubtedly technically correct, the rhythm works, and the ideas behind the words seem to flow to me well enough. Perhaps I should use more two- or three-syllable rhyming words to add variety to the composition? I totally agree that the colon is awkward; a semicolon would probably work better here. I definitely wanted to connect the last two lines physically though so I don't want to use a period. I used the apostrophe in "to'ward" in order to split the word into two syllables - the first unstressed; the second stressed. However, now that you mention it, this word works just as well as a one-syllable, stressed word in this case (it seems that unstressed syllables are usually optional in poetry). As you suggest, my apostrophe should be eliminated.

Thanks again, Gothicus. You have a keen eye; please feel free to comment on any of my contributions. I would most appreciate any constructive criticism on my poem "Darkling"; it's a great deal more complex than this one in both composition and meaning, and you could probably help me to improve it.

[lady_cthulhu]

Pretty, TheFeatheredAetheling; although personally I never thought of the moon as being alone, after all she has the stars, the clouds and even the sun to keep her company. I do think gothicusmaximus is right though, in that you should watch the use of gratuitous apostrophes. On the whole though I like it, it makes me think of a child's nursery rhyme, and a nursery book full of gothic poems and cutely dark illustrations would be seriously huah.

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Lady Cthulhu, thanks again for the compliment. Gothicus had a lot of good points. Truth be told, this poem is pretty simple and cliche, but I still like the descriptive language itself. About the apostrophes, I'm hopelessly obsessive-compulsive when it comes to syllable counts and emphasis. I should probably be careful of over-doing it though in regards to my punctuation.

[sweet.sacrifice]

woww - u know that i also write poems - that one is so really good - keep on

[kiddo]

The Gothic Poet walks down the street

And stops at the bus stop

She posts one of her poems for all to see

"What do you make of me"

"Am I a freak or am I oh so chic?"

"Dressed in black - am I a tiger or a pussycat?"

"Read my words and you will see"

"A deeper soul lies within me"

She sits at home and paints her self-portrait

Slightly distorted - this is the way she is viewed by the world

She walks on down to the art gallery

And posts her portrait at the entrance door

"Do you want more?"

"You will see more reality in this picture"

"Than anything that lies behind this door"

"Open your eyes and you will see"

"All God's beauty"

She lies on her bed at home

Waiting for a reaction

Bu the passers-by fail to express any emotion

Too wrapped up in their own worlds

In God and man we place our trust

Another creative soul bites the dust

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Originally Posted by sweet.sacrifice

woww - u know that i also write poems - that one is so really good - keep on

Thanks for your compliment. Poetry is a good hobby. I guess that it can help one to organize his thoughts and feelings. Just be warned that if you post anything on this site, people tend to be pretty rough so don't take anything personally.

[TheFeatheredÆtheling]

Kiddo, you poor girl... I cannot imagine how they're going to flog you tomorrow for your kind submission. They're so hard on poetry here, but don't let them get to you, ok? I shall be the first to reply to your post ~ after all, this is my thread.

First of all, Kiddo, I thought that you were long-gone; your poem is most welcome! It deals with a girl's desire to overcome others' negative/false opinions of her as well as the challenges of finding acceptance in an often harsh and callous world. These are excellent themes because so many people are familiar with them. My favourite aspect of this is your portrayal of the girl. Everyone longs for acceptance from someone, but there is a kind of sweet innocence about seeking acceptance from those that don't even know you. The girl in the poem is a very nice character.

You seem to really enjoy poetry, and you'll improve by practicing if you like. One of my technical recommendations at this point is for you to avoid cliché phrases. "Gothic Poet" is too straight-forward and plain to describe the girl (the whole nature of the poem is very culturally "gothic", I think; it's not necessary to write it specifically). You might think of another name which hints at her creativity. You could refer to her as simply the "young poet", or you could use the phrase from the end "creative soul" to both begin and finish your poem.

I don't think that the phrase "Another ... bites the dust" is unique enough for you, though it's meaning is very important to your poem's message. I realise that you wanted to rhyme your last lines. Maybe, don't try to rhyme on such a long poem; just focus on the content. Instead, you might write, "Another creative soul is crushed" or something along those lines. You'll be able to express your own feelings most effectively in your own words.

Thank you very much for sharing your poem, Kiddo. I hope that you'll keep writing. By the way, please have a look at my poem called "Darkling" in the literature section. It is also about a girl who struggles to find acceptance; I think that you'll really like it.

[Fruitbat]

Originally Posted by TheFeatheredÆtheling

The Moon


...Gazing out into the night,
A sight enchants my wand'ring eye:
A brill'iant Moon of greenish light
Glows brightly in the dark-blue sky.

"Silv'ry crescent! Ever shining!
On the strings of Heaven borne.
To'ward mine, always, face aligning;
How you Welkin's vaults adorn!

But Moon! I know despite your grace
And your high celest'ial throne,
Sadness hides behind your face:
For you, like me, are all alone."

I like it. Made me think about the way I feel when I look up at teh night sky and realise just how insignificant we are here on Earth - with the big wide universe out there.

Thanks for sharing

[ape descendant]

I am a fan of old fashioned style poetry. Now I want to write some... if I get anywhere with it I'll have to post it....

[Darkemostar]

I think that the poem is so beautiful because I love the moon and the moon reminds me of my grandfatherwho died of cancer when i was three months old
:_(

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by Darkemostar

I think that the poem is so beautiful because I love the moon and the moon reminds me of my grandfatherwho died of cancer when i was three months old
:_(

Was he an astronaut?