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| Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
06-12-2008, 06:19 AM
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#1
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In Your Pants, PA.
Posts: 1,918
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6/11/2008
Slate blue sky with an orange wedge
gently sliced only by skyscrapers
A sphere of white
sets the sky in place
Gentle laughter copulates with concrete footsteps
No sleep nor rest
on this night
feathered branches have that bittersweet potential
to be my blanket
and the sharpened grass as my place of rest
but no more, no more
no sleep in this city
The pearls on top of lamposts are
my nightlights for words.
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06-12-2008, 07:30 AM
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#2
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Harlem
Posts: 6,909
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Nice work with imagery, badteccy. It's nice to see pieces like this showing such a vivid image with as little words as possible.
__________________
No Gods. No Kings.
Not all beliefs and ideas are equal.
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06-12-2008, 08:39 AM
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#3
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
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This is better than most other things I've seen you write.
I can't tell exactly what it's about, but it is good imagery, and has good flow.
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06-12-2008, 01:03 PM
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#4
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In Your Pants, PA.
Posts: 1,918
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Theeeeeenks
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06-12-2008, 04:42 PM
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#5
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: the concrete and steel beehive of Southern California
Posts: 7,449
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I loved your mixtures of opposites:
"sharpened grass" (when grass is normally thought of as soft)
"laughter" copulates with "concrete"
but I especially liked:
"The pearls on top of lamposts".
And I thought it was easy to see what it was about: taking a walk downtown by a park.
Very nice Kerri.
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06-12-2008, 04:45 PM
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#6
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 639
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I truly enjoyed this piece. It's very creative and uses really vivid imagery. I loved it! It has feeling to it, and flows very nicely.
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06-12-2008, 05:14 PM
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#7
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In Your Pants, PA.
Posts: 1,918
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Thanks meeengs!
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06-12-2008, 05:16 PM
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#8
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
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A criticism: the title could be much better.
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06-12-2008, 05:17 PM
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#9
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In Your Pants, PA.
Posts: 1,918
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Yea, I have no title ...I just wrote that because that was the date it was written and all, I'll think of something...
In the meantime...JAMIE LIDELL IS SO GOOD!
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06-13-2008, 03:26 AM
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#10
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,721
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There are some good things in here, but some of the imagery was a little overly-wordsy for me. Knowing when to drench an image in words will make a good poem, but knowing when to pull and and use them sparingly makes a great one. Just an opinion.
__________________
All pleasure is relief from tension. - William S. Burroughs
Witches have no wit, said the magician who was weak.
Hula, hula, said the witches. - Norman Mailer
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06-13-2008, 06:24 AM
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#11
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: In Your Pants, PA.
Posts: 1,918
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yr opinon suxkz!
NO NO! I'm completely kidding, and I know what you mean. Thanks!
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06-13-2008, 06:31 AM
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#12
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: East Haven, CT
Posts: 436
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"No sleep nor rest
on this night
feathered branches have that bittersweet potential
to be my blanket
and the sharpened grass as my place of rest"
Yeah, I've had nights like that too :/
__________________
Help us to be the always hopeful
Gardeners of the spirit
Who know that without darkness
Nothing comes to birth
As without light
Nothing flowers
-May Sarton
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