Desire to Desire

[lucylucy]

I constantly want a cigarette
And sometimes I want you.
The desire for you is ten times stronger
But the desire to smoke is more
Continuous.

The bird feeder in my yard looks like
That tower in Italy
And I am sick of reading
Overpriced Japanese comic books
In this house my joy becomes
International boredom

If only I could feed my vices
I’d like it so much better here
Forbidden things are so enticing
Forbidden things like you

They threaten to reveal my feelings
Well it’s not sixth grade anymore
And I wish they’d shut their mouths.
I’ll let you know in time
If you don’t know already.

[lucylucy]

Feedback, anyone?

[MegearaErotica]

To me it didn't seem like it had a point. Could you elaborate as to what this poem is specifically about?

[lucylucy]

This is about before my boyfriend and I got together, how I was falling in love (mostly lust at that point) with him, and how I felt trapped and lonely in my own home, basically. I considered him "forbidden" to me because I thought he'd never feel the same way, and the people around me threatened frequently to tell him how I felt. I was going to tell him. Eventually they beat me to it, but that's another story and will be told another time.

[MegearaErotica]

Oh, it makes much more sense after you explain it.

[Godslayer Jillian]

This is sort of the type of poems I enjoy, but the poem itself... I don't know.
I guess it has potential, with several things I like, but it doesn't exactly flow.

[Solumina]

It isn't a bad starting point but at this point it feels more like prose than a poem, maybe you could work on the word choice and the flow a bit

[gothicusmaximus]

It's too literal, it needs to be more figurative. Say things in a creative way rather than just stating them as you ordinarily would. At present your language is prosaic and lacks poetry.

[onedarkly1]

I think gothicus nailed it, and his writing is pretty awesome, so I would take his advice.

I would only add try writing tighter, sometimes less is more.

Example, you wrote:

The bird feeder in my yard looks like
That tower in Italy

One Suggestion:

The bird feeder,
Like that Italian tower

Everyone's writing style is different so it is just a suggetsion, if it doesn't work for you do not be afraid to continue to try different things.

_____________________________________________
"I died a long time ago."

[lucylucy]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

It's too literal, it needs to be more figurative. Say things in a creative way rather than just stating them as you ordinarily would. At present your language is prosaic and lacks poetry.

This is a problem I have a lot. Does anyone have suggestions on how I can improve this? I'm always kind of at a loss here.

Thanks for the feedback, everyone, it's much appreciated.

[a morbid curiosity]

To improve I'd say read a lot of poetry and take influence from other people's work.
Whom are your favourite poets?

[lucylucy]

Originally Posted by a morbid curiosity

To improve I'd say read a lot of poetry and take influence from other people's work.
Whom are your favourite poets?

Most of the poetry I've actually read I dislike. I've never found an author I particularly liked; I think what interests and influences me more is song lyrics. At some point when I improve on playing guitar I want to work on putting a lot of my writing to music.

I'm always open to reading new things though. I like to read.

[a morbid curiosity]

Ah, that might be the issue then. From what I've seen, the best way to become a better writer is to read a lot.

If you're more into lyrics, try Dorothy Parker. Really witty, you'll love her.

[lucylucy]

Originally Posted by a morbid curiosity

Ah, that might be the issue then. From what I've seen, the best way to become a better writer is to read a lot.

If you're more into lyrics, try Dorothy Parker. Really witty, you'll love her.

But but.. song lyrics and words and words can be read ;_; Nah, I know. But the libraries and bookstores around here have almost zero selection, whereas I can find a lot of the music I love sitting on my dad's shelf.

Dorothy Parker, that sounds familiar. Thanks for the suggestion, I'll check it out.