Who's got jokes?

Spookycreep · 02-06-2011, 04:59 AM

I failed to mention in my introduction that one of my pleasures in life is to have a good laugh. Anyone have any jokes they'd like to share? I'll start the ball rolling.
Some crazy bumper stickers I've seen_
"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
"Reality is for people who lack imagination,"
"Things just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister."
"Don't make me release the flying monkeys."
I _ heart_ jesus: with the name crossed out and written above it: "blowjobs".
"I'm never wrong. I thought I was once but I was mistaken."
A joke_
Three constructon workers at lunch time sitting on a steel beam way up in the air of an highrise building they are working on.
Worker 1 opens his lunch box, see's that he has ham and cheese sandwiches.
"Damn, ham and cheese again! If I have to eat this crap one more day i,m jumping from this beam!"
Worker 2 opens his lunch. He has fried fish for lunch.
"Damn!" He cries. "Fried fish again! If I have to eat this shit one more time I'm jumping from this beam!"
Worker 3_ different lunch, same response as the others.
The next day, lunchtime. Worker 1 opens his lunch, see's it's ham and cheese. He jumps to his death. Worker2 and three, same thing.
At their funnerals the wives meet.
worker1"s wife: "If I'd only known that he was sick of ham and cheese I would have stop making them."
Wife of 2: If I had known that my husband was sick of fried fish I would have gladly fixed him something else."
Wife 3: "Well I don't know what the hell was wrong with my husband,he fixed his own damn lunch."
Spookycreep out.

vashsunglasses · 02-06-2011, 09:12 PM

Q. What's the difference between a Corvette and a pile of dead babies?

A. I don't have a Corvette in my garage.

(Sorry... I just couldn't help myself.)

Spookycreep · 02-14-2011, 07:35 AM

Here's another one: My luck is so bad if it was raining pussy, i'd get hit by a dick.

6SixSick · 02-20-2011, 03:35 AM

How is a tornado like a marriage?

It begins with sucking and blowing and ends with you losing your house

Spookycreep · 02-20-2011, 04:02 AM

Thats a good one 6SixSick! Hot damn! Now I have a new one to tell!
And you're right, LaVey's book is boring. I'll get back to you on that.

6SixSick · 02-20-2011, 05:14 AM

My grandfather was a very famous bank robber so it's kind of Ironic that all his family turned out to be police marksmen.
He died last week, surrounded by his family.

Spookycreep · 02-21-2011, 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 6SixSick

My grandfather was a very famous bank robber so it's kind of Ironic that all his family turned out to be police marksmen.
He died last week, surrounded by his family.

very ironic and so like life.

Spookycreep · 02-21-2011, 10:35 PM

Vashsunglass: I thought your joke was funny too and have told it to a few already. One of the reasons I started this thread was to gather some new material. Feel free to say hello if you like.

6SixSick · 02-22-2011, 01:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spookycreep

very ironic and so like life.

British humour mate

Spookycreep · 02-23-2011, 01:34 PM

Then God must be British.

Pineapple_Juice · 02-23-2011, 03:43 PM

According to The Exorcist, Satan is British. Though I've always suspected this.

Spookycreep · 02-24-2011, 03:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pineapple_Juice

According to The Exorcist, Satan is British. Though I've always suspected this.

By jove; you might be right old chap! ( that's the way we Americans think you guys talk Six. You don't really say " old chap" do you?)
Hello pineapple. Your'e named after one of my favorite songs from a progressive rock band from the early 70s called Sparks.

6SixSick · 02-24-2011, 04:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spookycreep

By jove; you might be right old chap! ( that's the way we Americans think you guys talk Six. You don't really say " old chap" do you?)
Hello pineapple. Your'e named after one of my favorite songs from a progressive rock band from the early 70s called Sparks.

Of course we do old boy! Why just the other day I was having a bally old time with an old aqquaintance of mine called Godfrey Palmer.
He actually thought it was possible to jump his nag over the fence in high wind! Haw haw what larks!

Spookycreep · 02-24-2011, 04:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 6SixSick

Of course we do old boy! Why just the other day I was having a bally old time with an old aqquaintance of mine called Godfrey Palmer.
He actually thought it was possible to jump his nag over the fence in high wind! Haw haw what larks!

Great to hear from you! And please: speak English.

6SixSick · 02-24-2011, 04:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pineapple_Juice

According to The Exorcist, Satan is British. Though I've always suspected this.

Of course Satan is British old chap; as is God.

But we affectionately refer to them as Minipax and Miniluv nowadays.

PortraitOfSanity · 02-24-2011, 04:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pineapple_Juice

According to The Exorcist, Satan is British. Though I've always suspected this.

Very much this.

6SixSick · 02-24-2011, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spookycreep

Great to hear from you! And please: speak English.

I am speaking English old boy! God's own tounge.
It's a shame you do not comprehend the vernacular but that's no buisiness of mine what what?

I'll bring it more up to speed as it were to modern london or as we affectionately call it: "Laarndon mate!"

Well just the other day I was talking to my old mate charlie on the dog and bone about going to the nuclear sub. We went down and had a butcher's hook through the door and saw Gary the Spanner fresh out of the old nick innit?
He'd left the Trouble and strife for his secretary who had been the only one to visit him; apparently she was having it away with the milkman or something.

He said he never missed the Abercrombie and fitch. and how 'e was happier anyway. Seeing this could go on longer than the Orient express I checked me kettle and we made our excuses. We went for a Ruby murray and all was sweet.

Except I had the worst Pony and trap of my life.

Got rat arsed and fell asleep on the apple and pears.

Story of my life.................

Spookycreep · 02-24-2011, 04:42 PM

Two preachers discussing how they divide donations between the Lord and their church.
Preacher #1: " I draw a line on the floor and throw all the money up in the air and whatever falls on the Lord's side, I give to him."
"My system is much easier." Says Preacher # 2. "I just throw all the money up in the air and whatever the Lord wants, he keeps!"

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter what you call him because he still won't come.

6SixSick · 02-24-2011, 04:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spookycreep

Two preachers discussing how they divide donations between the Lord and their church.
Preacher #1: " I draw a line on the floor and throw all the money up in the air and whatever falls on the Lord's side, I give to him."
"My system is much easier." Says Preacher # 2. "I just throw all the money up in the air and whatever the Lord wants, he keeps!"

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter what you call him because he still won't come.

"My dog has no nose"

"How does he smell?"

"Terrible!"

6SixSick · 02-24-2011, 04:51 PM

How is American beer like making love in a boat?

It's fucking close to water

Spookycreep · 02-24-2011, 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 6SixSick

I am speaking English old boy! God's own tounge.
It's a shame you do not comprehend the vernacular but that's no buisiness of mine what what?

I'll bring it more up to speed as it were to modern london or as we affectionately call it: "Laarndon mate!"

Well just the other day I was talking to my old mate charlie on the dog and bone about going to the nuclear sub. We went down and had a butcher's hook through the door and saw Gary the Spanner fresh out of the old nick innit?
He'd left the Trouble and strife for his secretary who had been the only one to visit him; apparently she was having it away with the milkman or something.

He said he never missed the Abercrombie and fitch. and how 'e was happier anyway. Seeing this could go on longer than the Orient express I checked me kettle and we made our excuses. We went for a Ruby murray and all was sweet.

Except I had the worst Pony and trap of my life.

Got rat arsed and fell asleep on the apple and pears.

Story of my life.................

Wow! Lesson for today: never tell an Englishman to speak English.
(Why would you call a phone a "dog and bone" __ no, no, never mind.)

Spookycreep · 02-24-2011, 04:59 PM

Here's one from an American comic : spilled some spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

6SixSick · 03-08-2011, 01:58 PM

A man is sitting in a bar with his pint and in walks a Hell's Angels biker bloke with a mean look on his face. He grabs the man's pint and downs it. The man puts his head in his hands and starts crying.

The Biker bloke says "What's the matter mate, it was only a pint. I'll buy you another one if it means THAT much to you"

The man says: "You don't understand, I've lost my job, and me house, and today my wife left me. I've give up on life and decided to end it, and you've just downed the pint with me poison in."

Spookycreep · 03-09-2011, 04:43 PM

A friend of mine has this book called something like The Stupid History of the Human Race, I'ts all about dumb shit people have done. The book had a chapter devoted to dumb-ass deaths.
A middle aged man was thrown a party, complete with a naked girl popping out of the cake. When the guy saw the girl was his daughter he had a heart attack and died on the spot.
Another nut thought it would be cool to play pool upside down. He rigged up ropes so he could hang over the pool table to take his shot but the rope gave way. He broke his neck
The wildest one of all was this guy who wanted to commit sucide. He stood at the top of a cliff over looking waters and tied a noose around his neck, with the other end of the rope tied to a tree behind him. He drank a bottle of poison, set himself on fire (I'm not making this up) fired a gun shot at his head as he jumped off the cliff.
The bullet missed his head but cut the rope. He fell into the water and the water not only put the fire out, it was so cold that it made him vomit up the poison. A fisherman pulled the guy out of the water but he couldn't be saved. He died from hypothermia.

(The book might have been called Duh: the stupid history of the human race.)

Ben Lahnger · 03-09-2011, 04:48 PM

You realize you've started a thread for jokes in the introduction section, which is supposed to be an area just for people's introductory threads. This is not the area to start threads about other things.

So you could either post your jokes in your own introduction thread, which is all about you. Or, you could post your jokes in the joke thread that already exists in the general section.