Help me, please someone help me.

[Opteron_Man]

I am so wrecked today. I am all alone in every way. I am depresed.
My childhood was a piece of shit, I was without friends. I was bullied tremendously. I don't know how to fit in. I was so alone as a kid. I am alone now. I was little and I was bullied. The bullies allways got away with everything. People pretended to be my pal and then rob me blind and I would be mersolously punished by my parents.

I did (and still do) badly in school no matter how hard I tryed. My dad thinks if I fail, I didn't try hard enough. I tryed until I couldn't raise my head. I love to read, but I can't pass the test with flying colors.then, they punished more. I was depressed.
My parents are two fucktards. My Dad is a hardened closed minded bitter son of a bitch and my mom is mental, she treated me terrible most times and ignored me. She used to promise to have me taken away or to leave me at a foster home then suddenly the next day or the next week, shower me with love and warmth.
I hate the persom I became. Turned 23 years old in December 2008. I feel old, worn out.
I fucking pissed my childhood and teenage party years away. My only sort of "friend" who is here in my country is a 42 year old neigbour. I have a cat, that is all I have.

I am friendly and kind. But I don't know how to act, to fit in. I just want to be liked.
I see Malice in wonderland, a person who is 15 and he has a real life, friends and all that.
He is everything I want to be. He is a nice and kind person, a well rounded human being.
I am nothing compaired to him. No matter how hard I try.

I miss a woman over in Spain. I would move the stars themselves for her.

I don't know how to be human, I don't fucking even know how to dress goth properly and fashionably. I am so bad at my studies, I don't even have my grade 12. Fuck!

I don't know how to talk. I am so clumsy.

I can't even dress goth properly. My clothes are so fucked. I have no clue.
I never was invited to any party ever. I didn't drink, or smoke any dope. I was laughed at because I didn't do those things. I am now just having a bit of fun alond with alchohal alone.

I am just a piece of junk, I feel like a worm on a hook or a slice of living tisue on a microscope slide. Just waiting to die.

I just want to throw myself away. I want to be normal and liked by people. To smile and be smiled to. I just want to be wanted be someone.

My life is a ripped up oil painting. It is my doing, I fucked myself. I don't exist.
If I died, nobody would remember me. It is as if I scarcly lived at all.
I can't even dance or sing.

I fucking hate my face! My nose is so small and perky, stupid like a mouse. I hate my eyes I need fucking glasses! My eyes are brown and have a ring around them like the nasty ring around an egg yoke. My neighbor, he says I have a womans body. that I look like a woman.
If I walk down the street people mistake my body for a cute chick.

My voise is lame, it is high and soft. I want a deep bass man's voice for fuck sake!
I try to make it deep but I can't keep it up.

I developed slowly, I have never ever fucked before. I only just go drink when I was 19.
I just tasted whiskey here at 23 this week! Tastes good alone or with coke. MMMM!

One of the only things I like is to make other people feel good and happy.
I talked a loved one out of suicide and I am glad for that. I tried my best, I put my sweat and blood into keeping this one person alive. I sucessed.

I look up to Malice because he has things I will never have. He is great and I am a pile of garbage.

I miss the woman I love, who is across the ocean.
I can't stop shivering and crying. In my family, if you need hugs and a bit of affection, you are weak. I do need hugs, these guys are a bunch of tight asses. My dad is a prime example. Fucking asshole!

I hate the way I walk, I fucking hate the way I talk. I sound so stern and clip my words.
With that softly voice. I hate it! I hate how I sound like my dad with his inflections.
I hate my fucking face. I can't even stop biting my finger nails!
My math skills blow! I can't draw, anything accept fucking shit in MS paint!

Please somebody help me!? Help me, I need help. Why won't somebody help me?

The only thing I am good at really is being inmfront of lots of people talking.
Hundreds thousand, it doesn't matter. Wow! big fucking deal I can talk infront of large crowds. Ohh! Oh Call me Hitler, I can't feel much worse.

I am so careless, my home is a mess. I wasted my myself. I am too old to have fun now.
I wish I can go back kick myself in the ass for not hving all the fun as humanly possable at 17. I pissed it all away!

I don't know how to be loose and help me please help me help me, I need some frriends who don't dissapear after a week. I only want firends that love me as mucs as I love them.
I will cross the great ocean itself for somone I care about.

I want to make a difference, to help the world and make people feel happy. I want to make peoples' lives easier. To help the world.

I used to look down on certain people. but I am no good. not them. Me.

I want to end my life and put myself away. I want to go into the bathroom and plunge my knife into my thoat as I look in the mirror. Do the world a favour. I can't even do that.

People see my smile and laugh. I hug my little sister and kiss my mom on the cheak and everybody things I am glowing. But I am not. I am dying inside.

When I am around people, I feel good, when they leave my home or a leave and go home from where ever I am, I am crushed. I t is a different breed of lonelyness that is a beyond words. It is acute and bitter. I can get used to people and break though that crust and let out my inner beauty, then make it with people. but realtionships don't last. then I am alone then I hurt.

Why can't I die and put myself to sleep? I don't even know how to do that right.

Help me, I just want a friend. I can't think of a reason to live a better life.
What is the point huh? tell me, what the fuck is the point when I have nobody?

[nis~sijai]

If you really want help, you need to actually seek it in the real world. Posting this crap on the internet can only lead to flaming.

[tekajo]

SM...i mean nis....where would be the fun in flaming someone that far down the shitter? No offense Opteron.

[$haDe]

Wow.... post that in Kontan's Partner thread.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by tekajo

SM...i mean nis....where would be the fun in flaming someone that far down the shitter? No offense Opteron.

Yeah, this guy's already immolated himself to a crisp.

[Pineapple_Juice]

Dude, I'm telling you. Get some real thick black square specs and a 'stache. Then stop trying to impress people. You'll do fine.

[Opteron_Man]

Originally Posted by Pineapple_Juice

Dude, I'm telling you. Get some real thick black square specs and a 'stache. Then stop trying to impress people. You'll do fine.

I had a mustache. A normal one. Then someone came up to me and laughed, he said I looked exactly like Adolf Hitler. And he called me Hitler reberthed or some shit like that. Um, no thanks.

My dad has a mustache too and I was told by family that I look like him.
I don't want to be a version of fucking dad! No way. That guy is an asshole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't pull myself together this time.

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

I see this kind of thing too often, and it makes me angry, because I used to be like this but I was told something important along the way but no one else seems to have been told this: Do you realise the only person who can change this is you?

You are not an AIDS baby in Africa, you did not have your arms and legs blown off by a mine. You are in a position where you still have power, so use it, you are the only one can turn your life into something good, it's not something other people can do for you.

Self pity has never helped you before and it won't help you now, the only thing you can do is trust in yourself but I don't think you know who you are, but this is a good time start then.

Who cares if you haven't explored drugs and alcohol and the like? You've probably spared your body's health.

Don't give a fuck about having a man's voice or a manly body, that's just the media forcing you into the tiny box of 'pop masculinity'. I have a womanly body but it doesn't stop me from being manly.

Being masculine is not defined by actions or your body it is a mind set, a man in touch with himself and fully knowing of his masculinity, is nurturing and caring and all things typically womanly.

True masculinity or femininity is emotionally hermaphroditical, and yes I know that isn't a word. Needing affection isn't weakness, it's human and if your parents don't believe it then they are in denial of their own needs.

Now fucking forget looking goth, screw that, kick it in the ass and throw it away for now, you don't need it.

You can admit that you do have a skill with being in front of lots of people, do you know how many people would kill to be able to do that, so many people are afraid of it, they'd rather die than get up and say hello in front of 100 people. If you have a skill, no matter what it is, use it, don't downplay it, just use it for what it is.

You say you want to make a difference in the world? then do it!

Volunteer at a soup kitchen'
Clean up a park
If you don't already, do the dishes and vacuum the house

The only one who can make you help and change the world is you.

I'm going to tell you something very important, that changed how I looked at myself a lot:

"Cut the self piteous crap, and do what you NEED to do with your life"

The bottom line is the only person who can help you, is you, not me, not Gothicus, not Malice, not the Opteron_man that envies Malice, but the Opteron_man that is really you.

[Pineapple_Juice]

I dunno, I felt inspired. Corpsey, I could possibly be shedding a tear right now.

[Opteron_Man]

Sir Canvas Corpsey, thankyou so much. I am so greatfull. That really made me think man. What you said, it really made sense to me. What can I say? Thankyou again , I am so greatfull. You helped me quite a bit. I will see if I can pull myself up. Maybe I really can?
I am still depressed, but you raised my spirits a bit. I hope I can heal from my downfall.

[HumanePain]

Opteron, self-medicating with alcohol won't help, alcohol is a depressant.

Send me a Private Message when you are online next time, we'll talk.

[jack_the_knife]

Originally Posted by HumanePain

Opteron, self-medicating with alcohol won't help.

It helps some people though, including myself.

[Despanan]

Wow. You really want to pattern yourself after, of all people, Malice?

...Just...wow.

[Drake Dun]

Originally Posted by HumanePain

Opteron, self-medicating with alcohol won't help, alcohol is a depressant.

Yeah... I can tell you from experience how well that doesn't work.

I don't know exactly what to say to you, but I have the feeling this might help:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkL8q...eature=related

Now, judging from my own history, there's a risk of you taking what he has to say in an accusatory tone. Don't. Listen to his voice and his words carefully. There's no accusation there. Resist the temptation to turn it into an excuse to hurt yourself more, and LISTEN to what he's saying. If you can't figure out how it could be helpful, consider the possibility that you're thinking too deeply. Sometimes we misunderstand things not because they're too complicated, but because we're looking for a complicated answer when the answer is actually very, very simple.

[HumanePain]

Originally Posted by Drake Dun

Yeah... I can tell you from experience how well that doesn't work.

I don't know exactly what to say to you, but I have the feeling this might help:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkL8q...eature=related

Now, judging from my own history, there's a risk of you taking what he has to say in an accusatory tone. Don't. Listen to his voice and his words carefully. There's no accusation there. Resist the temptation to turn it into an excuse to hurt yourself more, and LISTEN to what he's saying. If you can't figure out how it could be helpful, consider the possibility that you're thinking too deeply. Sometimes we misunderstand things not because they're too complicated, but because we're looking for a complicated answer when the answer is actually very, very simple.

This hit the nail on the head.

[PortraitOfSanity]

I don't share any of this often, but I think it'll help you to put your life in perspective, and convince you that anything's possible if you bust your ass.

I graduated high school in '05 by the skin of my teeth. Most of senior year I lived in my Mercury Sable because my parents kicked me out after a dealer put three bullets through their front window because he thought my friend, who owed him money, was staying there.

Since then, I've seen all my friends die, go to prison, or just desert me. I've been legally dead three times, shot at, stabbed, hit with a baseball bat and thrown off an elevated train (it was stopped, luckily). I got caught going through a dumpster behind an office building downtown by a guy in his office on the fifth floor, he threw a rock paperweight at me, breaking three ribs. I've flunked out of three different colleges, with a total of 0 credits because I'd straighten out, go back to school, do ok for a while, and then end up right back where I started.

Life's been pretty normal for about six months and things are getting better,slowly, but the mere fact that I'm somehow alive right now, convinces me that you should have no problem sorting your own problems. Noone can do it for you, it has to come from you.

Hope that helped, not sure it went anywhere.

[Necrophagist]

Opteron man should start a band.

[PortraitOfSanity]

Called "The Opteron Men"?

[Despanan]

Originally Posted by jack_the_knife

It helps some people though, including myself.

That depends upon your definition of "Help".

[Opteron_Man]

I hate that name, Opteron_Man. I used it back then because I thought it sounded sort of weird but okay. Now, I am tired of it.

[Opteron_Man]

Originally Posted by Necrophagist

Opteron man should start a band.

"Severe Tire Damage". I heard it in Mrs. Doubtfire!
But I won't use that, I will think of something new.

[Underwater Ophelia]

How about instead of starting a band you get some professional help?

[Opteron_Man]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

How about instead of starting a band you get some professional help?

Underwater Ophelia, I think that is a good plan. Thanks.

[jack_the_knife]

Originally Posted by Despanan

That depends upon your definition of "Help".

Yeah, I suppose your right. My definition of "Drinking helps me" is that it postpones the problem.

[JCC]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

How about instead of starting a band you get some professional help?

Actually, I think that he'd be better off trying to socialise before he dabbles in psychiatry.

You've said that you want to help people, so join some kind of voluntary aid group, helping the homeless or the sick or what have you, and that way you'll meet people that you can hopefully become friends with too.