On Bees and Sea Creatures.

Underwater Ophelia · 04-26-2011, 03:52 PM

A labor of love
Of compulsion
Why does this bee land here?

Shining opalescent
--expose your brittle star.
Each thin, reaching, deliberate arm
Into nostrils, ears, tear ducts.
Each rough, snaking, desperate arm
Blindly, but fervently
Stretched and examining
With those thousand circular senses
A saltwet nook.

Even a hand on each of these six legs
Would leave her short-changed.
Wings are useless in a reef,
and what good is sight in seawater?

HumanePain · 04-26-2011, 04:29 PM

As I floated, fully boated
upon a mattress air
I heard vibration
and sipped libation
There! I saw it There!

Glinting winglets
Flitting singlet
in from out nowhere
came a bee thing
with its bee sting
threatening my air chair.

I ignored its humming
it's insect thrumming
buzzing toward my hair
and with my flailing
I went sailing
towards my wetted scare.

Splashing kicking
cussing spitting
I looked but saw no where
my adversary buzzing
its abdomen thrumming
louder through my chair.

Shook off my scare
and my wetted hair
I saw my striped bee
sitting where I was
amplified hurrahs
in its throne, my chair!

Underwater Ophelia · 04-26-2011, 04:42 PM

Did you write that just now, or should I know that one?

HumanePain · 04-26-2011, 04:46 PM

Just off the top of me little head, just now. Yours inspired mine. Actually your thread title did.

Underwater Ophelia · 04-27-2011, 11:37 AM

Seriously.
No one ever ask me why I don't post my poetry here again.

HumanePain · 04-27-2011, 08:14 PM

What? Why? OK, I obviously faux pas'd somewhere.

I said yours inspired mine. You inspired me , meaning your wit spawned more wit. Admittedly mine was a simple wit about a shallow topic but come on.

Or was me following in your footsteps taken to be thread jacking? If so I am sorry, just thought that well, mine was about bees and sea creatures too (well a beach bum really but close enough) that it could be the beginning of a whole series of bee related poems?

Or because you didn't get any critiques?

Underwater Ophelia · 04-28-2011, 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HumanePain

What? Why? OK, I obviously faux pas'd somewhere.

I said yours inspired mine. You inspired me , meaning your wit spawned more wit. Admittedly mine was a simple wit about a shallow topic but come on.

Or was me following in your footsteps taken to be thread jacking? If so I am sorry, just thought that well, mine was about bees and sea creatures too (well a beach bum really but close enough) that it could be the beginning of a whole series of bee related poems?

Or because you didn't get any critiques?

It doesn't really have anything to do with you specifically.
Everyone likes to bitch about grammar and spelling, but no one wants to actually talk about literature, be it amateur or not.
Not only did I not get any intelligent critiques or thoughtful advice, no one comments at all.

When people do comment, it's either inane nonsense, or it's pointless commentary.

HumanePain · 04-29-2011, 08:56 PM

Well I hope you keep sharing because I like your poems.
My favorite of yours of all time is this one, but not because you talk dirty or the sex, but because the symbolic imagery:

https://www.gothic.net/boards/showthread.php?t=7560

Slut.
by Underwater Ophelia

i'm a honeylips
that's what I am

two nightcrawlers
oozing their way across my face
molassesslow
like cakemix
spreading across the floor

and i'm an eiffellegs
that's what I am

two stalks
thundering over this landscape
smooth like pussy
like european conquistadors
spreading across the country

i have this sort of
complex
where I am nonexistent
and i am the only one who knows

Underwater Ophelia · 04-30-2011, 08:17 AM

Haha I forgot about that one.
I liked that one, too.

Murder.Of.Crows · 05-02-2011, 03:00 PM

I don't really care for your newer one Ophey, not that it is bad, just not my cup o' tea. It reminds me of new age poetry too much, of which I think is garbage. HP yours was simple enough for me to understand and gave me a good chuckle. Ophey's "slut" poem is really good though, I do like that one.

Underwater Ophelia · 05-03-2011, 11:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Murder.Of.Crows

I don't really care for your newer one Ophey, not that it is bad, just not my cup o' tea. It reminds me of new age poetry too much, of which I think is garbage. HP yours was simple enough for me to understand and gave me a good chuckle. Ophey's "slut" poem is really good though, I do like that one.

If it's not simple and doesn't make you chuckle, it's new age?
WHAT IS HAPPENING!?

MissCheyenne · 05-03-2011, 02:33 PM

I'm of the opposite opinion to M.O.C and to me, it seems quite old fashioned in places. I don't see new age in it all. The last four lines in particular have a somewhat old fashioned feel to them in my opinion. The middle section, especially the last two lines, seems very sexualised to me. Not overtly sexy but with a definite sexual element to it.

I like it, you're very good Ophelia, I'm somewhat jealous of your talent.

Murder.Of.Crows · 05-03-2011, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

If it's not simple and doesn't make you chuckle, it's new age?
WHAT IS HAPPENING!?

That isn't quite the message I wanted to send. It's the feeling of constant change of direction. Like, in one verse your going right then the next your left, period. Then your up, period. then your right again, then down, period. It feels like I am being slammed into your message, rather than led on a motion of word sugar that flows together.

Underwater Ophelia · 05-03-2011, 03:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissCheyenne

I'm of the opposite opinion to M.O.C and to me, it seems quite old fashioned in places. I don't see new age in it all. The last four lines in particular have a somewhat old fashioned feel to them in my opinion. The middle section, especially the last two lines, seems very sexualised to me. Not overtly sexy but with a definite sexual element to it.

I like it, you're very good Ophelia, I'm somewhat jealous of your talent.

Thank you. It is sexualized, most of my writing is, particularly recently. Anything about it you didn't think worked well?

And don't be jealous; I'm a hack.

MissCheyenne · 05-03-2011, 03:54 PM

I'm being picky here, the only thing that I don't like is the repeated use of the word arm. I don't know if there's a substitute you could use for it where it's used for the second time that would work in the same context though, I just find the second use of it doesn't quite sit right for me.

Underwater Ophelia · 05-03-2011, 04:14 PM

Huh. I did that deliberately.
I think I was doing a rhythm thing with it, but I can see why it'd annoy you.