Tiny poem: Andromeda

Zenit · 12-23-2006, 10:52 AM

This is my tiny contribution to the world of the written word.

Andromeda:

The stars makes us
feel small
Is that why we hide them
behind the streetlights?

What do you think?

cradle · 12-23-2006, 11:07 AM

I hope you know we have a thread just for poetry.
Oh and "the stars makes us" should be "the stars make us."

DarkHeartedDemoness · 12-23-2006, 11:08 AM

I love you, just a little.

Godslayer Jillian · 12-23-2006, 02:22 PM

It's actually very good. But if you add two syllables to the second line, it would be more melodic.
Try this instead:
The stars make us
feel small, pint-size
Is that why we hide them
behind the streetlights?

DarkHeartedDemoness · 12-23-2006, 02:31 PM

Pint-sized is such a cliche.

The jar in rhythm there really emphasizes the words "feel small". It's a literary device, more commonly used in longer poems. Those two words are kind of the backbone of the poem, and are emphasized effectively.

Pyre · 12-23-2006, 02:33 PM

I don't know, Jillian. The way he has it written reads as 4-2-6-5 Which is like 6-6-5 when reading through. Sure, you can add two more syllables, but that seems to take away from the poem in my opinion.

EDIT:
I also have to agree with Dark. Though as you know, Jillian, I don't use specific rhythm in my poem, but I do things just as Zen did to exaggerate the feeling.

HumanePain · 12-23-2006, 03:56 PM

I love this site: only Goths could pick apart a 15 word poem with the intellectual power that could end wars and cure disease.

Godslayer Jillian · 12-23-2006, 04:26 PM

Haha, then maybe it's just me, but I don't easily find the meter in the first one.

om3gag0th666 · 12-23-2006, 05:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HumanePain

I love this site: only Goths could pick apart a 15 word poem with the intellectual power that could end wars and cure disease.

Please, their assertions are high-school level at best.

I'll give a small bit of information:

Since your poem is rather anticlimatic, I suggest you use syllabism to issue an anticlimatic poem.

6
7
8
3

Would be better, since it jars the reader, similar to Fire and Ice by Robert Frost.

Still, the imagery isn't powerful enough, and the diction is poor, it needs to be revamped.

om3gag0th666 · 12-23-2006, 06:07 PM

Also, "makes" doesn't MAKE any sense, I understand you're using sibilance, and consonance (probably haphazardly), but yet again poor diction.

Feel small is cliche, it should be reworded to something fresher, and don't say like ants, or any small creature, come up with something else. The rest are fine, but master metonymy, and metaphors for more impact. Something this small should speak a good length of thought.

BlackButterfly · 12-23-2006, 07:03 PM

I like it. Short, sweet, and meaningful.

HumanePain · 12-23-2006, 09:48 PM

Or how about:

We cannot reach
the Cosmic heights
is that why we cover
the stars in streetlights?

Morphia · 12-24-2006, 01:07 AM

I like this. Such a short poem but with great meaning. I would try to keep it simple if you do any re-writing, to turn it flowery would be a shame.

Godslayer Jillian · 12-24-2006, 01:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HumanePain

Or how about...

The problem is that you would be changing the point of the poem, which is based in an inferiority complex.

Zenit · 12-24-2006, 04:41 AM

Ok, three things

First, this is a translation from a poem I wrote in Norwegian. It seems my translation is rather poor...
Second, I'm 17, and haven't got the faintest clue what metonymy is (will google it, I swear), and wouldn't over-analyzing a poem while writing it kill some of the spirit?
Third, I'm a girl

I'm pondering a re-write now, but all I've got is clichés...

And thanks om3gag0th666, it's flattering to be taken so seriously.

om3gag0th666 · 12-24-2006, 06:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zenit

Ok, three things

First, this is a translation from a poem I wrote in Norwegian. It seems my translation is rather poor...
Second, I'm 17, and haven't got the faintest clue what metonymy is (will google it, I swear), and wouldn't over-analyzing a poem while writing it kill some of the spirit?
Third, I'm a girl

I'm pondering a re-write now, but all I've got is clichés...

And thanks om3gag0th666, it's flattering to be taken so seriously.

Being a girl does not add or retract from your writing ability. In the case of your translation, and the fact you are not a native speaker of English, I commend you on a very good job, if you were a native speaker I'd say this is better than average.

Metonymy is the use of saying one thing but meaning something else attached, such as saying "count heads." Which means to count the people. Metonymy is much more difficult to master than metaphors in some respects, you should always strive to make poems that short powered with thought. I'd say at least 2-3 hours should go into that, if not extra.

I spend anywhere from 10-20 hours on a 4 stanza poem. Most of the time no one seems to understand why I spend so much time, or why it's important to, but diction is vital.

DarkHeartedDemoness · 12-24-2006, 07:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by om3gag0th666

Being a girl does not add or retract from your writing ability.

Nope... But it does mean that we should use feminine pronouns.

I assume that's where the clarification came from?

HumanePain · 12-24-2006, 07:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Godslayer Jillian

The problem is that you would be changing the point of the poem, which is based in an inferiority complex.

Ah yes, I see. I changed the first part a little too much. Nothing is as good as the original!

DarkHeartedDemoness · 12-24-2006, 07:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pyre

I don't know, Jillian. The way he has it written reads as 4-2-6-5 Which is like 6-6-5 when reading through. Sure, you can add two more syllables, but that seems to take away from the poem in my opinion.

EDIT:
I also have to agree with Dark. Though as you know, Jillian, I don't use specific rhythm in my poem, but I do things just as Zen did to exaggerate the feeling.

See, Pyre referred to her as "he"... Thus the gender clarification.

Zenit · 12-25-2006, 12:49 PM

Thank you Demoness for being clear where I was not

And just to be sure, is the phrase "to carry coal to Newcastle" a metonymy for making things more difficult than necessary? (seeing that there is quite a lot of coal in Newcastle, unless I'm long way off)

I've been trying new twists on the poem, and I'll post a re-write now. just please keep in mind that this is a work-in-progress.

Andromeda (II):

Under the stars
We all feel minute
Why build streets, lights, cities
if not to forget?

I had an alternative re-write too, but I lost the question, and then it wasn't "Andromeda" anymore...

Better or worse than the original?

BlackButterfly · 12-25-2006, 12:59 PM

I like the original (translation) better...

Speaking of original, can you post it in the original language? I'd like to compare it. Now I speak absolutely zero Norwegian, but the aesthetics of the native words sometimes adds to the beauty of the acquired translation.

om3gag0th666 · 12-25-2006, 01:00 PM

Metonymy: a figure of speech that consists of the use of the name of one object or concept for that of another to which it is related, or of which it is a part, as “scepter” for “sovereignty,” or “the bottle” for “strong drink,” or “count heads (or noses)” for “count people.”

It's very fun to master metonyms, they are challenging, and are closely related to allegories.

Zenit · 12-25-2006, 01:29 PM

Challenging indeed... Well, I'll just read more, and try to aquire a sense of how to use them.

And off course, I will gladly post the original original Andromeda for you BlackButterfly

Here:

Stjernetåke

Stjernene
får oss til å virke
små

Er det derfor
vi gjemmer dem
bak gatelyktene?

Hm, I've forgotten a bit of white space in the original post. Damn.