Just crap. Read it anyway.

Underwater Ophelia · 05-11-2009, 08:38 AM

Despite being an asshole, I smell like candied apples. I haven’t been eating them; the way the sugary part gets caught in my back teeth is unpleasant. No, I haven’t been eating candied apples. My best friend, despite having no hair, keeps candied apple scented shampoo in his shower, and as my nakedness reclining in my best friend’s couch suggests, I have just returned from there.
Long showers generally don’t appeal to me. I don’t like heat, and I hate humidity. The only shower I enjoy or look forward to is a cold one. However, heat removes things better than cold does. Actually, cold can’t remove anything. It just locks things in place. For this, I guess only symbolically, my shower was close to burning my skin, and lasted until the first drop of turning tepid water hit my face.
Though the shower depleted the hot water, and I raked my nails over my skin again and again with scented shampoos and soap, after getting out I can still smell overpriced cologne, and it’s making me want to vomit more than the quantity of alcohol I consumed last night is.
My best friend doesn’t wear cologne. No, it wasn’t him. My best friend is gay anyway. It was someone, though, and I’ve never felt guilt like this before.

Denchera · 05-12-2009, 04:42 PM

Interesting, write a book and we'll see what happens.

Pineapple_Juice · 05-12-2009, 09:32 PM

It's a good hook. I'd read the next page.

Tam Li Hua · 05-13-2009, 07:28 AM

I like it. I'd love to read the rest of it.

JCC · 05-13-2009, 08:39 AM

It's not awful, but it's not great and is practically worthless given its complete lack of context. If you used it as an expositionary portion of a short story or novel then it would be redeemed, though unspectacular. I think that you should work on it and create something to weave around it.

Underwater Ophelia · 05-13-2009, 10:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JCC

It's not awful, but it's not great and is practically worthless given its complete lack of context. If you used it as an expositionary portion of a short story or novel then it would be redeemed, though unspectacular. I think that you should work on it and create something to weave around it.

Yeah, I agree. I've been in a rut lately, I think from not being in school and most of my life revolving around Pacsun or drunkenly fucking chicks. It's awful. I can't wait until I have the money to go back to school.

But yeah, I think poetry isn't my thing anymore/for the time being, because whenever I think about writing a poem it turns into something more like this.

To everyone else: Thank you for your feedback, but could you possibly expand? Why/what did you like, etc. Or things you thought weakened it.

Apathy's_Child · 05-13-2009, 01:14 PM

More or less the same criticism I always give. The main issue I have isn't so much with the prose itself as with the subject matter - as usual it's love, sex, and all the obligatory emotions / scenarios that accompany them. Your stuff is usually well-written for what it is but confined within the same tiny area of life. Branch out - I really think you'd surprise yourself if you broadened your horizons a little.

NachtSorcier · 05-13-2009, 03:09 PM

Context gets boring; chaos is a breath of fresh air, really. Your piece isn't total crap, it has some sort of subtle intrigue to it.

Delkaetre · 05-13-2009, 03:57 PM

Actually, I quite like it on its own. A flash through a window, a glance into another life. No context, no explanation, no justification. Just a moment of existence to see for what it is without any ties.

Underwater Ophelia · 05-13-2009, 06:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child

More or less the same criticism I always give. The main issue I have isn't so much with the prose itself as with the subject matter - as usual it's love, sex, and all the obligatory emotions / scenarios that accompany them. Your stuff is usually well-written for what it is but confined within the same tiny area of life. Branch out - I really think you'd surprise yourself if you broadened your horizons a little.

Yeah.
I've been confined to that for a while, and to be honest, I enjoy writing about it more than I enjoy writing about anything else.

Underwater Ophelia · 05-13-2009, 06:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Delkaetre

Actually, I quite like it on its own. A flash through a window, a glance into another life. No context, no explanation, no justification. Just a moment of existence to see for what it is without any ties.

Thanks.
With my poetry, my aim was always just to make people something. ANYTHING. I mean, there was always a vague aim, but mostly, I just want people to feel things. I do the same when I write prose, I think. I'm not trying to tell a story.
I haven't the patience, anyway, haha.