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Zombocalypse: Starring AO, Versus, and Saya
Spotlight up on a green and purple van. The actors on stage are singing Eye of the Tiger before the lights come up. They sound very bad and very wrong. Versus is driving, AshleyO is in the passenger seat, and Saya is in the back. The van appears to be full of monster slaying gear.
All: So many times. It happens so fast. You trade your fashions for chlorine. Don’t lose your grip on the rings of the mast, you must fight just to keep in the liiiiiiine! It’s the eye of the tiger it’s all frills and a bite, risin’ up to the challenge of arrivals. And the last lone survivor stalks his pay in the night and he’s lucky all of because of the eye of the tiger!
Radio volume fades out
AshleyO: Holy shit, man! That was a rush!
Saya: Seriously. I thought that thing would rip us to shreds! How did you know to do that, Versus?
Versus: What? Punch it in the dick?
AshleyO: Dude. That took balls.
Versus: Nah, man. It’s purely academic, bro. Uncle Travis taught me that tactic before we hit the road.
Saya: What tactic?
Versus: …When you fight a monster, no matter how big it is, you fight it one part at a time.
AshleyO: That doesn’t make a whole hell of a lot of sense, dude.
Versus: Sure it does. It’s very simple really. Obviously we can’t fight a monster that big all at once. You just pick a spot and wail on it until that part is done and move on to the next.
Saya: His claws were going for your throat.
Versus: Well… yeah. So?
AshleyO: So a whole Whompus Cat was about to tear you in half. How did you stop the claws from killing you?
Versus: One part at a time. I done already told you.
Saya: You do realize that doesn’t make a lick of sense, right? I mean, those claws were massive.
Versus: Yes. But I didn’t feel like fighting those parts yet. So, I just held them out of the way and kicked it in the nuts. I figured that that would have been the first part to fight.
AshleyO: You smashed its junk like an accordion and it went down for the count.
Versus: How was I supposed to know that that would have been the end of it? I totally meant to get to his claws eventually. But… I stomped his dick and he decided to do all the rest of the fighting for me. Simple. Not my fault he took it upon himself to drop his face into the ground.
Saya: You kicked him in the junk!
Versus: Yes. And then he decided to smash his face in the ground. Too bad most monsters aren’t so accommodating for my badassery.
AshleyO: Dude… you beat the hell out of a 500 pound whompus cat by yourself.
Versus: No, I took one part at a time. It’s really easy facts, dude. Look, I don’t understand why you think this is some huge revelation. I’ve been fighting them like this since that time back in Nova with the Frogmen.
AshleyO and Saya are both seemingly confused that Versus can’t realize what he accomplished. They’re also shocked that their lives have depended on the shoddy tactics of what seems to be a careless guy. The radio once again kicks in. It’s a local news report.
Radio: We interrupt this broadcast to give you the latest news. Sparta Kentucky is being overrun by the undead. Reports of the undead walking amongst us are filtering in. Everyone is advised to stay indoors, lock them, and bolt down your windows and other entrances.
AshleyO and Versus looked excitedly at each other. They are really pumped about the news. Saya covers her face with her hand.
AshleyO: Oh shit yeah! It’s fucking on! It is so on. Turn this thing around, we got a zombie apocalypse to take care of!
Versus: Hol-lee shit! This is the greatest thing I’ve ever heard!
Saya: Guys, wait.. this doesn’t sound like such a good idea. Usually you’re supposed to run away from the zombies!
AshleyO: Hell no! I’ve been waiting my entire life to do this!
Versus: Hell yeah. This is going to rock the shit out of everything like some hardcore… rock and roll face melter show.
Saya: You guys. Listen to yourselves! We’ve never taken on zombies before and both of you are acting like two school boys with their first Tonka trucks.
AshleyO: Oh it’s way more than that.
Versus: Yeah. This is the UNDEAD, Mel. The UNDEAD! I’ve lived my entire life for this.
AshleyO: Yeah. Why do you think we even got into ghost busting?
Versus and Saya: Ghost hunting.
The sound of the van turning around is heard
AshleyO: Ghost busting…
Versus: Hunting.
AshleyO: Busting.
Saya: 2 out of 3 hunters insist it’s hunting. Deal with it.
AshleyO: …..busting
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"Women hold up half the sky" -Mao
"God always picks the strangest things to get angry about. Get an abortion or gay married and he'll aim a tornado right at you.
Rip off a million poor people and Wall street has no problems. " -Rebecca B
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