Suffocation

[vindicatedxjin]

You hate the feeling of falling,
In that pit that you created for yourself.
What did you expect?
Anything more? anything less
then the absurd notion that it would be okay?
It's your own fault.
You can blame God, you can blame your parents

But you know its really all you.

It's your fault you have those cut scars on your arms.
No one else told you to do it.

It really is all you.

You know that this time you are alone,
There's no one to fall back on anymore.

Time to finally hit reality
That you are in control of your life,
And that it keeps moving...

And your only getting older

Only getting weaker

Only getting further

From who you used to be.

Who was she?
Do you even have a remnant of her anymore?
Didn't she love so much deeper?
Didn't she trust every word that was said?

With her gullible innocent mind.

Didn't she have dreams?
Didn't she smile more?

She's gone far, far away
Can you find her?

Deep inside that calloused soul
You hear her...
You know she's there...

She screams....


She gasps...


She dies.

[ShadowxMakerZ]

You really hit me hard with that poem.

In that pit that you created for yourself.

We really do create the pit that becomes the road we take. All or actions and crap attempting not to face what really would be our/my reality... got me really thinking.

10/10 really good yet, so true in life.

She's gone far, far away

That what it feels like for me even though she's still nearby and in the end the pit is deepening for me.

[vindicatedxjin]

Thanks!..................

[Duane]

I didn't like it, it seems like one of those poems that every young poet writes, it's an okay place to start if you can do it right, but it's best to write about something else.

[vae victus]

That struck a cord with me. The imagery it called up was effective, and it brought up memories very well.

[Mr E Nigma]

Jin. A definite improvement compared to your last posted poem. 8/10

Work on punctuation a bit. (Please take that as constructive criticism)

Such as simply putting an apostrophe in "its" so it's correctly punctuated as "it's," etc...

I quite enjoyed the poem though.

[CountVonCount]

Originally Posted by vindicatedxjin

Time to finally hit reality
That you are in control of your life,
And that it keeps moving...

And your only getting older

Only getting weaker

Only getting further

From who you used to be.

Who was she?
Didn't she love so much deeper?
Didn't she trust every word that was said?


Deep inside that calloused soul
You hear her...


She screams....


She gasps...


She dies.

I like those lines. I especially like the simple, dramatic decent at the end.

[ShadowxMakerZ]

Originally Posted by Duane

I didn't like it, it seems like one of those poems that every young poet writes, it's an okay place to start if you can do it right, but it's best to write about something else.

If one can relate to it, then why not write about it?

[vindicatedxjin]

^_^ glad some of you could relate.