Your poem could be alright, but you need to work on some things. I've picked it apart to show you what needs improvement - if you seriously want to be good at writing poetry then consider reading all of the below and think about my advice. I'm not picking your poem apart to be mean to you, I'm doing it because I like giving criticism and because I think you have the potential to become good, if you work at it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gothic Piano
The dead of night can be so cold
Wondering things in the moonlight
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Did you mean "wandering?" "Wondering" doesn't make any sense in this context, so if that's what you meant you should reword it. "Dead of night" is a cliché, but it isn't a really bad one, so you could keep it if you like it. I would advise you to avoid any clichéd imagery in the first stanza though. You want to get your reader's attention by giving the impression that your poem is original and interesting, and clichés in the first line isn't exactly the way to go about this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gothic Piano
Vampires kissing the necks of their prey
Killing them one by one
Just so that they can live again
Will the sun ever arise?
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When you write poetry
always think about whether you are using clichés or original language. Vampires is a cliché subject in itself, especially in dark poetry. So if you want to write about vampires, the most important thing to do is to make sure that you are using words and imagery as original as you possibly can.
"Kissing the neck of their prey" is
very clichéd. Describing a vampire's bite as a kiss has been done to death (no pun intended). I'd strongly advice that you come up with a new description.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gothic Piano
Untill sunrise the shadow of death will be present
Killing whomever it desires
Untill the next sunrise
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Again, watch the clichés. If you're ever in doubt about whether something is cliché, try googling it. Try googling "shadow of death" and you'll see how over-used that line is. It doesn't mean that you can never use words like "death" or "shadow", but if you want to use them well, you'll have to put them into a more original context.
Ending each stanza with the same line, "Untill the next sunrise", works well. However, I'm almost positive that "untill" is spelt "until". I'm not a native English speaker, so I could be wrong about this, but my dictionary agrees with me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gothic Piano
Pleading and bleading that death won't knock on my door
Only a luster untill it will go away
It goes when the sun arises from its sleep
Vengeance will be mine
Untill the next sunrise
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"Bleading"? Did you mean "bleeding"? If you meant "bleeding" it doesn't make any sense. It's also too simple a rhyme to sound good.
By "luster" I assume you meant "lustre". You need to work on your grammar.
I also think the rhythm would be better if you rewrte it to: "Only a lustre 'till it goes away". Try reading each stanza out loud. When you hear it spoken out loud it can be easier to hear if a line is a bit too long or awkward.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gothic Piano
Can anyone here me?
Or is all dead?
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I'm assuming that you meant "hear" and not "here". Seriously, I can understand misspelling "lustre", but "hear"? At least try to make an effort.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gothic Piano
"Awake!" I scream.
But none breath a breath of life
I'm now alone waiting for its death's shadow
Untill the next sunrise
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First line is ok, but "breath a breath of life" doesn't work at all. You'll need to rewrite it to: "But none breathes a breath of life". Personally I don't like "breathes" being closely followed by "breath". It seems like a bit of a childish alliteration in such a dark and serious poem. If you intended to use alliteration, it would look better if you did it a bit more consistenly. "Death's shadow" needs to stop reappearing in this poem. It's bad enough to use a cliché once, make sure you don't use the same one twice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gothic Piano
The sun wakes
Everything comes alive again
Restlessly I wonder
Is it all just a mask to cover what's underneath....
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I like this last stanza well enough. Like I said before, your poem has the potential to be quite good. You need to work on your grammar. If you mispell words all the time it will distract the reader.
Also, take my advice on clichés, I promise that it will improve your poetry
a lot.