Curiousity...

Beautiful_Disgrace · 11-28-2007, 03:10 AM

"You're just scared!" said John
"SHUT UP!" Yelled Tom, his brother."Go to your room!"
With their parents away, Tom and John were left alone in their home without anyone to watch over them. With only a note glued to the fridge, Tom was reminded to watch over his younger brother, their uncle wasn't home because he had a date with his fiance. By 7 pm, Tom prepared dinner for the two of them, he went upstairs to call his younger brother.
"C'mon John, let's have dinner." said Tom as he turned on the lights.
There was nothing but silence in the room, across it was a small bed draped with light blue blankets, Tom went near the bed and pulled the blankets down-to his surprise his brother wasn't there anymore!
Tom ran down the stairs as fast as his feet could carry him, he went outside their home and ran to the street, on his way out he tripped and fell face first.
He found a piece of paper with a map drawn in it, he noticed that the map led to the rumored to be haunted house: Lovencraft Manor!
At exactly 7:15 pm, Tom entered the rusty gates of Lovencraft Manor, soon he found himself face-to-face with a bronze dragon door knocker. He opened the giant doors and entered the dark room that led to somewhere down the hall. Suddenly- fire soon popped up on the torches that were found on the upper part of the hallway. He saw a big door that led to an old musty cellar, Tom entered the door and found what seems to be his brother's wallet.
Lovencraft Manor, upstairs
With his brother looking around downstairs, John had a big smile across his face that meant only one thing: FREEDOM!
His marbles slipped from his hand and rolled under the bathroom door, he opened the door and went in, BANG! A sound of a gun was heard as John started to pick up his marbles, suddenly...A tall shadow stood by the door holding a sharp knife, light fell on its face and revealed the face of a murderer! Lord Lovencraft gave a deep gaze then stabbed John to death! A loud scream was heard that traveled down in spiral making Tom hear it.
"JOHN!!!!!!!" shouted Tom.
He ran upstairs and raced to the bathroom but the curtains had a secret...Lady Lovencraft came out hiding and started chasing Tom around with a mace! Tom was able to outrun Lady Lovencraft and reached the bathroom. To his surprise, he found Lord Lovencraft tightening a noose around John's neck...A big blow came from behind and killed Tom in less than a second!
"TRESSPASSERS WILL PROSECUTED..." said the couple in chorus.
Till know, people who pass by see two shadows with a knife and mace walking around the manor, also...They see the ghosts of the two boys wandering around....

HumanePain · 11-28-2007, 06:34 AM

I have to say this: it is spelled "curiosity". One letter u. The title kind of killed it for me right from the start.

But the story concept has potential.

L'Oiseau Noir · 12-01-2007, 02:46 PM

I see a lot of errors that could be straightened out. As H.P said, the story concept has potential, but the way it's been executed wasn't very good.

For example, the first part:

"You're just scared,said John. (Whenever you use "said" as a speaker tag, a comma is used [I think that speaks for its synonyms too, like whined, growled, etc. If I recall correctly, it only changes when you put some intensity into the sentence, like a cry or something. Also, this is a sentence, so you end it with a period).

"SHUT UP!" yelled Tom, his brother."Go to your room!" (You never capitalize the beginning of a speaker tag, unless it's a proper noun like a name).

With their parents away, Tom and John were left alone in their home without anyone to watch over them. With only a note glued to the fridge, Tom was reminded to watch over his younger brother because their uncle had gone on a date with his fiance. (I used the subordinate conjunction, because, to join these two thoughts. I also reworded it to make it sound a bit better). By 7 pm, Tom prepared dinner for the two of them (you're using a comma splice here--it's when you join two complete thoughts together with a comma. Commas aren't strong enough to join two sentences together alone, so you'd use a semicolon or a conjunction like 'and') he went upstairs to call his younger brother.

Okay, moving on...

"C'mon John, let's have dinner," (again, when using "said" or a synonym of it as a speaker tag, you use a comma) said Tom as he turned on the lights.

There was nothing but silence in the room. (Complete sentence, end it here). Across the room there was a small bed draped with light blue blankets. Tom went near the bed and pulled the blankets down--to his surprise his brother wasn't there anymore! (Okay, for this entire paragraph... it's got to go. There is absolutely no description whatsoever here... you're telling, not showing. Add more details and synonyms for 'blanket' and 'room' to make it better, and maybe some other details about the room like a curious-looking clock, or other weird baubles).

Tom ran down the stairs as fast as his feet could carry him, and he went outside their home, running toward the street. On his way out he tripped and fell face first. A piece of paper lay near him with a map drawn on it, and he noticed that the map led to the rumored haunted house Lovencraft Manor!

You know what... I can't stand this anymore. Trying to correct this is torture.

Here's why, read below.

There isn't enough details, you hardly use conjunctions and subordinate conjunctions where they're supposed to be used, there are run-on sentences galore, the dialog is flaky, a good number of your sentences are fragments or comma splices, you begin paragraphs when it's unnecessary to do so, and your description is flatter than soda that's been left out for far too long. If I were you, I'd do what I did and pick up a copy of English Grammar for Dummies.

It really helped me out, and it definitely will help you out as well... so, go and look into it. Now.

And I'm sorry if this all sounds harsh, but if you intend to go anywhere with your writing you must learn to endure criticism, no matter how terrible it sounds. I learned the hard way that to scorn your critics is the worse thing you can possibly do. The things they told me were helpful, but all I did was shrug them off because I found it too offending. Now I regret it--I need harsh critics to better my writing. After all, I'm aiming to publish my own original novel, so I'll need all the grammar-savvy people I can get to look at my work.

If you need help though in any of your future projects, I'll help you to the best of my ability. I never claimed to be an expert though, so don't expect top-notch critiquing. I try my best at it, and that's all I can offer you--my best effort.

LadyStardust · 12-01-2007, 06:56 PM

Heh heh. Okay, I'm a complete nerd, but I found this so funny:

"Lovencraft Manor" reminds you of . . . Lovecraft.

HumanePain, the first one to comment has the initials of . . . H.P.

H.P. Lovecraft. Get it?

*snort*

Where's my pocket protector?

Beautiful_Disgrace · 12-02-2007, 04:06 AM

Okay...I get the point!
I'm GONNA STOP WRITING HERE? HAPPY?
I mean c'mon....I'm still a kid!
But if it makes you happy, I'll stop writing any poems or stories in this website, I'm not hurt.
I'm just trying, I understand.
Thank you.

Undead_Stagehand · 12-02-2007, 08:42 AM

Editing, my dear, will ease your writing *can't think of a nicer word* problems. You might want to consider drafting--write the story/ poem/ whatever, let it sit for a few hours/ days/ months/ years, return with fresh perspective and edit/scrap it, and finally post/otherwise publish it if it survives the previous step.

LadyStardust · 12-02-2007, 10:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beautiful_Disgrace

Okay...I get the point!
I'm GONNA STOP WRITING HERE? HAPPY?
I mean c'mon....I'm still a kid!
But if it makes you happy, I'll stop writing any poems or stories in this website, I'm not hurt.
I'm just trying, I understand.
Thank you.

Oh, honey. No. That's not what I meant at all, and I don't think the others were trying to get at that either. Everyone has to start somewhere, and very few people are naturally gifted enough to be very good when they start off. So you need practice. So what? If you love doing it, then keep on doing it. Start looking for constructive criticism. Ask specifically what the problems are, and how you can fix them. That way you learn as you go, and will always be improving.

Read L'Oiseau Noir's post carefully. She makes a buttload of suggestions, and tells you to KEEP TRYING. She wants to help you better yourself. Most of us do, in our own way.

L'Oiseau Noir · 12-02-2007, 04:41 PM

Okay, I need to correct a typo in my first response before I move on to this next response.

I learned the hard way that to scorn your critics is the worst thing you can possibly do.

Okay, now that that's out of the way, I can continue without being bothered.

I never said you sucked--you simply need to polish your writing. It's harsh, I know, but it's the utter truth. If you intend to do something with your writing, you must first work on it and sharpen your skills, otherwise it's like going into battle with a dull-edged sword. If writing is truly a passion of yours, work on it and tweak it, do little writing exercises, and join a writing forum or something so you can talk with people who will try and help you better your writing style, as well as your grammar.

And about the kid thing, that's no excuse. I'm seventeen-years-old and I'm already ahead of many of my peers in terms of writing ability, and I've even began a novel. That was the reason I took the time to learn a bit more about grammar, because I wanted to become better so I could compete out there in the publishing world with other writers. Writing is a passion of mine, and I never let my inhibitions get in the way of that. So, if you're truly dedicated, do not give up!

Gothic Piano · 12-02-2007, 06:50 PM

Lol! Sorry. I like the concept of the story. The ending kind of sounded like a campfire horror story. Change the title, and take the rest of their advise, and you have something. LOL!! They eat you alive huh? (I find it better than having something horrible.)

Beautiful_Disgrace · 12-04-2007, 06:30 AM

Hey,
I'm sorry...
I kinda had to beat myself up for that.
The time has come....Please help me, I want to write a novel.
But I need facts on Satanism and the such...
It's weird, I know.
I kinda left the story in my online journal...hahaha....
But if you guys can help me, I'll never forget this, promise!
Please, help me with my novel.
My English teacher wants to see it but I got freakin' scared!
Sorry....For the last time.

Beautiful_Disgrace

L'Oiseau Noir · 12-04-2007, 03:20 PM

I can try to help you with the mechanical area of your book, however Satanism is not something I'm knowledgeable in as I'm a Christian, and never bothered to broaden my knowledge in the area of religion--it never interested me enough to research.

I can't promise I'll be a super editor, as I'm still learning and practicing grammar, but I can offer what bits I do know to benefit your book. However, a word of advice: Editors and beta readers aren't going to single out every error for you, so you as the writer must take the time to do some research about grammar, and learn about it yourself. I always tell people who're starting off with big aspirations of becoming some renowned author that, in order to attain such a place (if you manage to), you need to do your homework and learn the mechanics of the english language first before even thinking about diving into a novel of your own. I'm no expert, nor am I a published writer, but I've picked up several interesting bits of information over the course of my grammatical research that may help you out in the end, and I'm willing to share those bits with you.

LadyStardust · 12-04-2007, 04:52 PM

Another great tip is a deceptively simple one: read, read READ!! You'd be surprised how much you learn by reading the work of other established authors. Do you read a lot? Who do you read?

Sir Canvas Corpsey · 12-04-2007, 05:12 PM

If you wanna write about satanism then I think you should re-define it as Satanism according to the medievil Christian interpretations which were heavily edited by monks.

Satanism as a modern religion is about choosing to live freely and not being restricted by the rules of some other deity and this is why it opposes Christianity which has a set of commandments.

The Satanism, you were probably thinking of was he black rituals and defilement of women, blood drinking, snake eating, let's be a "Satanist" band and look all hardcore so kids can feel all rebellious and shit!

This form of Satanism was actually derived from the Church claims of such things against other religions such as Buddhism (sp?) simply because they were not Christian.

All right if you dig deep enough you will learn what you need to know about "Satanism" and more specifically devil worship, and here are some key facts to consider, and someone please tell me if they dsaree with my research though please back it up, and The Bible is generally not a viable source of support against this because that thing has been edited to hell, no pun intended.

-Lucifer and Satan are different beings
-Lucifer is a fallen angel who was cast down for granting man knowledge, his name means "He who brings the light"
-Satan is actually an angel, who is the one who passes judgement on humanity to see who should ascend to God in the "Apocalypse"
-Beelzebub or 'Lord of the Flies', who is also considered a Prince of Hell and rules over the Cardinal Sin of Gluttony, has become accepted as a true devil however! Beelzebub was almos certainly created from the Canaanite god Baal Zebul and demonised as it was from a different religion.

Here's some research words and areas you should look up if you wanna do a "satanism/devil worship" novel.

72 Pillars of solomon; and here are some demons contained within:
Ose, Forneus, Eligor, Berith, Decarabia, Samael

Please note these names could have been corrupted over time from the original context so please allow for leniency in your researh when it comes to specific names.

Also the 7 Cardinal/Deadly Sins and their associated "demonic" ruler, do note that Satan is considered a ruler of a sin and thus you can see some of the corruption of texts and mythology between creation and modern time.

Lust-... apologies I cannot remember the demon in charge of Lust
Envy- Leviathan
Gluttony- Beelzebub
Greed- Mamon
Sloth- Belphegor
Wrath- Lucifer
Pride- Satan

I'm going to sort through some of my old texts should you be interested in learning more.

LadyStardust · 12-04-2007, 05:40 PM

That's very odd. In Christian mythology, Lucifer and Satan are one and the same. Where do you get your "demonology" information, if you don't mind my asking?

Sir Canvas Corpsey · 12-04-2007, 05:51 PM

Well for little over a year 2005-2006 I spent a good portion of my time resarching these things at local libraries, internet sites, through what other peope had heard on the subject and just began to compile.

The trick is that alot of it is corrupted and has been corrupted by The Church, the government (eg. medievil Kings could order monks to rewrite The Bible and the mythos so that it would fit them better), the common people altered the mythology just as an urban legend is modified by word of mouth, and much of the original texts are lost to us so it's up to scholar's speculation.

So who knows I could be wrong or you could be wrong, if I could locate where I found my information that time ago I would provide accurate back-up,but time does fade memory and possession alike.

drewsilla · 12-06-2007, 02:44 AM

If your teacher asks to read your work, just tell him/her that you don't feel it's ready yet, and I'm sure they will leave it with that.

Your story above does have some good bones about it. There's one thing that you will have to learn, and that's how to take criticism. When you learn that, you should be able to shape and create something to really be proud of.

Also, if you want to write, then the internet is full of resources that can help you. Don't stop writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LadyStardust · 12-06-2007, 09:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir Canvas Corpsey

The trick is that alot of it is corrupted and has been corrupted [...]
So who knows I could be wrong or you could be wrong, if I could locate where I found my information that time ago I would provide accurate back-up,but time does fade memory and possession alike.

Oh, I hear ya. I was just really interested to hear/read about an alternative version of the myth. If you happen to remember where you got any of it, I would love it if you pointed me in the right direction. Thanks.

/thread hijacking

Cain · 12-10-2007, 02:46 AM

i like the story, it's quite humorous. i think it has some potential and could be shaped into a cute satire of gothic orthodoxy.