Unfamiliar.

[Underwater Ophelia]

I hope the subject of this one is obvious.


Reached my hand up between those legs
Pressed my clean hands against
Your dirty cervix
This isn't familiar at all, I'm afraid.

But when I
I
Oooh, when I walk out there
I could slide right under the leaves
And the dirt and then I would
Feel warm and unborn and
Sounds would be muffled

Or perhaps I'll just slip under
The foam for a minute
Yes.
This briny gritty teaming with life splash
Is the womb from which I must have
Burst forth.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Ugh. I think the title needs to be "Changeling."
Makes more sense.

[Poisongrl]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

I hope the subject of this one is obvious.
Oooh, when I walk out there
I could slide right under the leaves
And the dirt and ....

Or perhaps I'll just slip under
The foam for a minute
Yes....

I really love those lines for some reason. There are areas where the poem doesnt flow too well but those sections really stood out.

[StasisInDarkness]

This is a very beautiful poem. I mean, it needs some work, but the potential is definitely there.

Personally, I like to experiment with capitalization...which is to say, if the sentence is broken by a caesura, or if the sentence spans over multiple lines, I like to use lower-case letters. That's just a personal preference however.

My poetry professor told me once that "a line should be something worthy of being inscribed on a tombstone". Keep that in mind. It's interesting to see where that might lead you.

I think the "I" comprising the second line of the second stanza is unnecessary. The poem would flow better without it, both rhythmically and semantically.

The last stanza is perfect, very evocative and beautifully written. I particularly enjoy the line, "This briny gritty teaming with life splash"...just very poetic, for lack of a better adjective.

Well done. I'd love to see more of your work, to offset the vast majority of poetry on g-net...