Confuzzled...

LiUsAiDh · 06-23-2008, 08:49 AM

Hello,

Right, recently I've been considering getting into contact with my dad; by letter only. Since he is an abusive alcoholic I have no intentions of ever meeting him. I'm even going to give him the address to my old house with a redirection to my house.

I emailed two of my half-sisters (aged about 30 and 36 ) about this because they can remember him, just to see what their opinion was on this.

I understand thet they may be uncomfortable about this and may not want to have anything to do with it. They don't have any contact with him either. But about a month has gone by since I emailed them, and I have had no reply.

I dont understand, they could reply saying that they didnt want to comment and that would be fine. But they dont seem to care that their little sister could be going back to an abusive father....

I appreciate that they could be busy, but replying doesnt take long.

I want to rant at them - but them I might end up losing contact with them, and I dont want that. I suppose it is possible that they havnt read their e-mail... but how long does it take!

I dont know what to do, or how much more time to reply to give them :S

Help 0_0

cradle · 06-23-2008, 08:52 AM

Just call them, and then they can't really avoid it.
Or discuss it face to face.

LiUsAiDh · 06-23-2008, 09:08 AM

But they live in London, which I'm not allowed to go to, and I don't have their phone number. Contact is kinda email and post only

Solumina · 06-23-2008, 10:54 AM

That does kind of suck that they haven't gotten back to you, I think that you should go ahead and send the letter to your father

Toy Killer · 06-23-2008, 11:17 AM

I'm not so sure I agree with that.

I'm not trying to play father, but you really should get someone's opinion on him before writing. the last thing you want is to get entangled, if his life has taken a rather violent fall to the gutter.

LiUsAiDh · 06-23-2008, 11:35 AM

Toy Killer: I was trying to get my sister's opinion on him in the e-mails... But, well, gawd knows what they're playing at.

I don't really know anyone else that knows him well.

*sigh* I think getting entangled is inevitable, I'm very unhappy not knowing him - But knowing him isn't such a rosy prospect either. Its a kinda Catch 22...

Solumina: Glad I'm not the only one who thinks its sucky that they havn't replied

Toy Killer · 06-23-2008, 11:43 AM

I understand, trust me, but it's best to choose a path of patience at this point. Opening a pathway to someone who is abusive is not usually a good idea. talking about your dad may be a little disconcerting for your sisters, let them warm up to the idea, talk to them when you can. you need to go into this situation prepared for everything and anything.

LiUsAiDh · 06-24-2008, 03:42 AM

You sound like Yoda, in a good way.

:hugzorz:

Will try to do as advised

pijanbalkan · 06-26-2008, 04:41 AM

maybe just email your father???? so that he doesn't know you address

and if he gets really bad, sending abusive messages, just dont read his mails..
but if he doesn't have an email, i reckon you should just send him a letter.
just try!!!!

Scotty_Sunday · 06-26-2008, 05:36 AM

My experince with abusive alcoholics gives me a pretty hard view on them, and to avoid all contact like the plague. But then that's just my opinion.

Toy Killer · 06-26-2008, 09:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scotty_Sunday

My experince with abusive alcoholics gives me a pretty hard view on them, and to avoid all contact like the plague. But then that's just my opinion.

Ditto on that, but I also believe that father figures are important all throughout life. I trust that LiUsAiDh knows more about her own situation better then I do, and that she'll make the best choice with the information put in front of her. All that I want is her to go in with the most information possible.

LiUsAiDh · 06-27-2008, 09:04 AM

Well yes, agreed, making efforts to get to know abusive alcoholics would usually be discouraged... Its just I can't bear not knowing him at all. (clichéd as it sounds

)

I think its going to be a lose:lose situation.

Strīcan · 06-28-2008, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LiUsAiDh

Well yes, agreed, making efforts to get to know abusive alcoholics would usually be discouraged... Its just I can't bear not knowing him at all. (clichéd as it sounds )

Of course. He's your dad, I think it's only normal.

About your half-sisters haven't been replying, it could be a hundred things. Maybe they're still thinking about what they want to say to you. I suggest you email them again to stress the importance, and maybe mention that anything they say will help, if you feel that way.

I understand the waiting part may not be pleasant, but I agree about being on the path of patience. Because if it's a big step for you, you'd want to be prepared for it, would you not?

Is there anyone else that can maybe give you a picture of what your dad is like, so you can put that into consideration?

Lapin · 07-25-2008, 03:59 PM

I don't know my dad, and I don't particularly care. I don't even know his name.

My advice to you is to let this go. Your father is an abusive alcoholic, and you're better off not knowing anything about him or having anything to do with him. Any feelings of wanting to know him need to be pushed back until you are an adult who can handle it. By that time, you should have had enough contact with your half-sisters to know what you really want to do.

KontanKarite · 07-25-2008, 04:02 PM

Honestly, it depends. The courageous would seek the nobler path and establish a meaningful connection with their father. He's STILL your dad. Yes, he's sick. Alcoholism is a disease. But in a way, he has to decide to work with you as well.

Do what your heart tells you.

LiUsAiDh · 07-28-2008, 07:29 AM

Thank you, I think I'm going to wait and see how I feel about what to do, as Strican and Lapin say. Since this is a relatively recent thing, well it's lasted a few months I suppose.

I'm not sure what my heart tells me, I suppose that too is a good sign to wait.