WARNING: This is likely more non-sense by Planewalker…..but I gave you a break and a warning ~smiles~
Well, I was reaching into the jumbled thoughts that make up my mind to find a random thought. I tossed aside the nonsense ( to my surprise I find that I must do some spring cleaning) and came up with something that has been eating away at me for the past couple of months.
Today’s thought
Depression……..
{The scene is set} Panoramic view of my head. I am smiling, full of cheer. It seems that all is going well in my life. I am happy. (uh oh)
Out of no where I get that feeling. I can feel it brewing building like a storm on the horizons. The ominous gray clouds building, preparing to lay siege. I start to get ready, like Florida residents before a hurricane. Strap down the knifes, loose the bullets………….Pause:
:idea: I have often wondered why I could do no more than just prepare. Its me and I am in full control. Why am I so powerless to stop it. Now, there are times when I just completely do not care (due to relationships, deaths, bands breaking up, Friends being cancelled) but, what about the times when things are going really well, or at least mediocre. I am happy with mediocre. I can easily deal with mediocre. But, oh no, here it comes……I am so fucked! :idea:
:arrow: Play:
It hits with the force of nuclear winds bringing nothing but cold ass winter. I am forced to retreat to my fall out shelter to be alone…..miserable. Hours turn to days. Days to months. Walking dead. I can’t even communicate my basic needs…..just bend slightly to everyone’s pushes……..Pause.
:idea: I like to be alone. I am just as happy being with myself as I am in a roomful (at times more talkative). So what makes me so miserable. I should be happy. Throw on the radio an just start singing. The simplest pleasure besides eating an breathing I can think of. But there I am just barely able to react to my own pinches. Tears for no reason what so ever. I can’t even find comfort in myself…the most comforting person I know (well, mostly know and understand anyways), not to mention friends and family. Oh, I do hate it for them during these times. When I withdraw to my cave, I become completely invisible to the outside world. Non-fucking existent. :idea:
:arrow: Play:
Months of the titanic storm leaves me……….confined. Like a caged animal I scream. Lashing out at my walls first. If they break, I dare not imagine what will happen. Pieces of my anger escape my compound, finding anyone….anything in the outside world. This only adds to the ferocity of the storm…..pause.
:idea: Don’t you hate this period. I am not a naturally violent, offensive or unpleasant person., so these times are a real pain in the ass. :idea:
:x (guy in the back, “ Just let the soap-opera play. Your the pain in the ass.” )
PlaneWalker: “Oops sorry.”
:arrow: Play:
The howling wind stops. Yet I am afraid to look outside. To see the damage caused from the brutal storm. Putting on a brave face I step outside to see………………beautiful sunlight. The birds are singing , the rabbits humping, the dogs defecating. Beautiful day at last. The storm has faded (for now) and I start to rebuild. Whistle while you work! The end…….for now. (dun dun da dun)
:idea: I LOVE this time. I feel like a new person . I feel energized. I am almost a candy coated Christian during these times. Just running around full of smiles and compliments for everyone. It’s like I have got months of happiness to catch up on and it rushes me at once. Almost like a walking orgasm for days on end. During these times it makes the earlier months seem……worth it all (almost). Of course there are apologies to be made. Ignorant electronics to be replaced. No worries though, as long as I am going forward.
I wonder at times if these depressions that come about for no reason are in-fact just part of my growth. If they might be times when my sub-consciousness is forcing my consciousness in a closet to see things about myself that I choose to overlook, things I choose to ignore. Or, if I should go out to the doc and get meds to numb that part of me. :idea:
Overview: Depression sucks monkey nuts, but those that don’t kill me usually make me smarter…..or at least more aware.
Roll Credits
Story Teller, director, guy in the back, an planewalker played by Planewalker
This has been a Guy in the Closet productions . All views and comments are strictly those of the story teller, director, guy in the back, and planewalker. We hold all accountability.
