the wall -a poem

magnus13 · 10-12-2010, 01:40 PM

there is a wall in a dim dry land
that was raised up by no mortal hand

beyond that place no bird will fly
no children laugh, no lovers sigh

none there worries on what might be
the end is always the same you see

no man there feels hunger or thirst
all sins forgiven, even the worst

no one wants or has any need
all debts forgiven, all slaves freed

and beyond that land beyond the wall
there stands vast a black mountain tall

beyond the land where all are the same
there rises a mountain whose name is pain

and many would climb it to be free
of deaths perfect, sterile equality

Isaloween · 10-12-2010, 01:43 PM

what a lovely call for life!
thanks Magnus, love it!

Versus · 10-12-2010, 02:01 PM

Are you open to criticism?

TheFeatheredÆtheling · 10-12-2010, 02:04 PM

Nice! Mysterious and grim. Like your other ones, this poem shows your poetry skill.

I thought that I understood the poem at first, but now I'm not sure. I wonder what you mean in the last stanza. Is the Wall the barrier between our world and the Other Side? What does the Mountain symbolise? Is this poem about death or about life (ambition, striving, etc)?

magnus13 · 10-12-2010, 02:42 PM

@ versus, sure if it's put forward in a polite and constructive manner, or if its mocking with a lot of silly grinning emotocons to show you dont mean it.

on the meaning, it's about a willingness to eat lifes bitter in order to taste whats sweet, to quote an old chinese saying. life is worth the pain. there are some other things in there too, it's a comment on death as the great equalizer. And I think it is influenced by a vague belief in the possibility of rebirth.

Versus · 10-12-2010, 04:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by magnus13

@ versus, sure if it's put forward in a polite and constructive manner, or if its mocking with a lot of silly grinning emotocons to show you dont mean it.

I don't think I could do that. I think one of the appeals of these forums, to me, is I actually have to read and understand what people post sometimes. I would like to think that we can use words exclusively to convey meaning. But anyway, back on topic.

Something I noticed was that you seemed to pair lines exclusively because of the rhyme at the end, as if you were writing them to revolve around the rhyme, rather then the meaning. I do not assume to know what your thought process was while writing, but I could not find a connection between this pair, for example:

beyond that place no bird will fly
no children laugh, no lovers sigh

Don't misunderstand, it sounds pretty, but I don't think they fit together. Unless there is a deeper connection that I am oblivious of, I cannot see how they relate to each other. I think it would behoove you to either simplify your meaning, or more relevantly express it.

Also. Punctuation and spelling could improve.

Sinjob · 10-12-2010, 04:02 PM

Your rampant insecurities bleed volumes in this poem, my man.

But your form is pleasant.

magnus13 · 10-12-2010, 05:39 PM

no ? three things that can bring joy, if i see a child laugh, my lover sigh or a bird fly,I experiance a similiar joy. too personal a symbolism maybe, the joy of flight not as common as I had assumed ?

(i sometimes use emotocons if what ive written dosnt sound right to me when i read it back. just wanted it to be clear, i do have a sense of humor.)

Sinjob · 10-12-2010, 06:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by magnus13

no ? three things that can bring joy, if i see a child laugh, my lover sigh or a bird fly,I experiance a similiar joy. too personal a symbolism maybe, the joy of flight not as common as I had assumed ?

(i sometimes use emotocons if what ive written dosnt sound right to me when i read it back. just wanted it to be clear, i do have a sense of humor.)

You don't know what insecurity is.

You need to find out and write about it.

Isaloween · 10-13-2010, 04:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by magnus13

too personal a symbolism maybe, the joy of flight not as common as I had assumed ?

Not too personal, it was pretty clear to me too...

Quote:

You don't know what insecurity is.

Sinjob, I didn't get you here... above you said that it was "rampant insecurities bleeding volumes in this poem" and now you say the opposit... Or did I miss something...?

magnus13 · 10-13-2010, 09:31 AM

LOL, sinjob just following me around hopeing someone will quote some obnoxious trash he talks cause he knows I put him on the ignore list. THATS funny.

@ versus, next time I'll try to post omething with a more complex ryme scheme, I don't really do to well with free verse so perhaps there is some truth in what you say, thanks for your opinion.

Versus · 10-13-2010, 06:13 PM

Quote:

@ versus, next time I'll try to post omething with a more complex ryme scheme, I don't really do to well with free verse so perhaps there is some truth in what you say, thanks for your opinion.

Do whatever you want, man. Like I said, I acknowledged the possibility that I was just missing something. I didn't write it, so obviously you would know more then I. But that's my attempt at being helpful.

magnus13 · 10-13-2010, 06:19 PM

Quote:

But that's my attempt at being helpful.

and I appreciate it, and would like your opinion of something with a more complex ryme scheme, will post something in the future when I have time to dig through my stuff for something I think is decent enough to post.

Sinjob · 10-13-2010, 06:20 PM

Quote:

Sinjob, I didn't get you here... above you said that it was "rampant insecurities bleeding volumes in this poem" and now you say the opposit... Or did I miss something...?

Meaning he doesn't even know what the goddamn word means. He defined insecurity as seeing the beauty in things other than the ever so impending darkness he writes about. (Which is also bullshit)
And let's not even get into how utterly generic this is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by magnus13

LOL, sinjob just following me around hopeing someone will quote some obnoxious trash he talks cause he knows I put him on the ignore list. THATS funny.

Right. NOT reading.

Isaloween · 10-14-2010, 05:04 AM

Sinjob if you talk about this:

Quote:

no ? three things that can bring joy, if i see a child laugh, my lover sigh or a bird fly,I experiance a similiar joy.

I think there is missunderstanding. I think Magnus was answering to Versus... I'm a bit lost here...

Versus · 10-14-2010, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Isaloween

Sinjob if you talk about this:
I think there is missunderstanding. I think Magnus was answering to Versus... I'm a bit lost here...

Who says my name without fear?

Sinjob · 10-14-2010, 10:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Isaloween

Sinjob if you talk about this:
I think there is missunderstanding. I think Magnus was answering to Versus... I'm a bit lost here...

You are.

Best advice is give up.

TheFeatheredÆtheling · 10-18-2010, 12:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by magnus13

...on the meaning, it's about a willingness to eat lifes bitter in order to taste whats sweet, to quote an old chinese saying. life is worth the pain. there are some other things in there too, it's a comment on death as the great equalizer. And I think it is influenced by a vague belief in the possibility of rebirth.

As I said earlier, I like your poem overall for many reasons; however, it sounds as though you are looking for constructive criticilsm. My advice to you here would be to focus your poem's message more clearly. The ideas you mentioned in the above quotation are very interesting, but more isn't better if it distracts from the poem's main message. Throughout the first five stanzas, I thought that you were writing about death, but I was thrown off by the last few stanzas.

Why is the Black Mountain "beyond" death? Shouldn't it (representing life/an aspect of life) preclude death? If you want to allude to re-incarnation here, you should be more clear about this idea; otherwise, the added ambiguity will simply distort your main message.

Also, "Pain" seems to be a strange name for the mountain, and your last staza is very confusing to me. On the one hand, it sounds as if "sterile equality" is a negative state (people seek to "free" themselves from it), but the alternative deaths are "perfect". I gather from your commentary that people should climb the mountain of pain, but can this action somehow free them from the "sterile equality" of death? Your poem is not clear about this. I wonder if you're trying to contrast the idea of living (and dying) for a reason compared to merely existing?

Anyway, I like the language that you use in this poem (except for the phrase "sterile equality" ~ I dislike the word "equality" entirely). I also appreciate how you hint at the things you're trying to portray rather than simply state them. As I said, just try to be more clear/organised regarding your poem's central message, and your poetry will continue to improve. Good luck to you.