The 2011-12 Republican Rolling Roadshow of Ridiculousness!

[AshleyO]

I don't care for O'Rourke. I didn't think the horse shit joke was really funny or brilliant. He supposes that there's really no alternative and the only two choices are horse shit or bad air. I'm thinking I'd rather have pretty much what we've got now, but with you know... less bad air. Which means we look into alternative fuel and energy solutions.

Oh and any conservative that uses the title as "Eat The Rich" for a comedy show can literally lick the corny shit off my asshole after I took a good hot run in the middle of a 100 degree weather day.

[Ben Lahnger]

.

"The difference between Sept 2001 & Sept 2011: now the people trying to destroy the government are running for President." -- Andy Borowitz

.

"Just read Cheney's book. It's refreshingly honest, especially the part about him drinking the blood of human babies." - Andy Borowitz

.

[Ben Lahnger]

.

"After spending all day with #dragoncon attendees who live in a world of fantasy, watching Republicans on TV is redundant." -- Frank Conniff

.

[Ben Lahnger]

.

"Governor Perry signs anti-gay marriage pledge and enjoys big spurt from tea baggers. -- George Takei

.

"The Tea Party is like a Predator drone: no one's in the cockpit but it's doing tons of damage." -- Andy Borowitz

.

"I haven't seen any cosplay at Dragoncon as unconvincing as the sight of Sarah Palin posing as a presidential candidate." -- Frank Conniff

"Palin thinks Cosplay is stealing jobs from Wallmart." -- Bradley Layer

.

"Palin says she may run for President 'just for the free clothes and shit'." -- Andy Borowitz

.

"A Tea party congressman sees only one solution to raging wildfire in his district: massive tax cuts." -- The Onion (LINK)

WASHINGTON—With a massive wildfire currently raging out of control in his district, Tea Party Caucus member Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ) pressed Congress to pass immediate tax breaks Tuesday to combat the rapidly spreading blaze. "This fire has already burned hundreds of square miles and left thousands of helpless families with only one hope: across-the-board income tax cuts and a sharply lower corporate tax rate," said Franks, stating that broad-based tax relief would spur investment and extinguish the towering flames that grow larger by the minute. "We must act now. The longer the oppressive tax burden on honest, hardworking individuals remains unaddressed, the larger and more deadly this fire will become." According to staffers, Franks plans to honor the nine individuals who have perished in the blaze by introducing additional legislation this week that would eliminate Medicaid.

[Ben Lahnger]

Rabid Dog Briefly Mistaken for Tea Party Candidate

Receives Standing Ovation at Missouri Rally

THE BOROWITZ REPORT

JEFFERSON CITY, MO – A rabid Doberman Pinscher jumped on stage at a Tea Party rally in Missouri on Labor Day and barked at the crowd for nearly twenty minutes before people realized he was not a candidate.



The dog, later identified by its owner as “Mister Buster,” held the crowd spellbound as he barked, growled, and frothed at the mouth, eventually receiving a standing ovation for his exertions.

Gwendolene Thomason, 42, a Tea Party supporter from Jefferson City, was one of the hundreds on hand who were convinced that the Doberman was a Tea Party candidate until he was outed as a dog.

“I liked what he had to say,” she said. ”He reminded me of Glenn Beck, only furrier.”

The Doberman’s canine identity finally became clear when he lunged at a man in the front row and wrested a hamburger from his right hand, taking two of the man’s fingers with it.

While the discovery that Mister Buster was not a Tea Party candidate disappointed many in attendance, Ms. Thomason held out hope that, dog or no, he might consider running for office at some point.

“I liked the way he bit off that guy’s hand, and the way he did his business in the middle of the stage,” she said. ”We need more of that in Washington.”

Ahahahahahaha!

[Grausamkeit]

Ben, I almost think Teabaggers are stupid enough for that story to be true.

[Ben Lahnger]

Me too, Wolfie. Me too.

(nice smiley!)

[Ben Lahnger]

.

"Michele Bachmann would ax Dept. of Education, because all kids deserve the chance to be as ignorant as Michele Bachmann." -- Frank Conniff

"Romney pledges to lower the corp tax rate still further. GE, which paid no US taxes in 2010, hails plan as 'SWEET'." -- George Takei

"Obama telling GOP congress that wealthy should "pay fair share" is like screening "Yentl" at a KKK rally." -- Frank Conniff

"Michelle Bachmann said that she has, 'been part of the real world throughout my life.' Does she mean the reality show?" -- Alan Tudyk

"Scary times we're living in: A terrorist threat and a Rick Perry presidency are both being described as credible." -- Frank Conniff

"After presiding over 234 executions Rick Perry still sleeps like a baby... Rosemary's baby." -- Alan Tudyk

"No matter who loses the GOP debates, the Dark Side wins." -- Deathstar PR

"Devastating fires ravage TX due to historic drought. In response, Gov. Perry calls for prayer, signs anti-gay marriage pledge." -- George Takei

.

[Ben Lahnger]

In Rare Public Statement, God Tells Pat Robertson to Shut the Fuck Up

The Borowitz Report

Excepts:

Rev. Pat Robertson’s controversial remarks in which he advised that it was acceptable to divorce a spouse with Alzheimer’s drew a harsh rebuke from God Almighty, who held a press conference today to tell him to “shut the fuck up.”

“I’ve held my tongue while he’s jabbered on and on about me punishing this group and that group with floods and earthquakes and such, but this was the last straw,” He said. “Enough already with that moron.”

...

On another topic, God attempted to put distance between Himself and the presidential candidacy of Gov. Rick Perry of Texas: “Rick Perry is qualified to be President in the same way that Olive Garden is qualified to be Italy.”

(more at the link above)

[Ben Lahnger]

.

Asked if she would recognize Palestine, Michele Bachmann said, "You mean like on a map?" -- Andy Borowitz

.

[Renatus]

I just saw a campaign add that makes me think, the republicans might stand a chance after all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EL5A...layer_embedded
I mean jeeze, this is a Superbowl level quality campaign advertisement. I'm actually looking forward to seeing the presidential campaign advertisements this year.

[x-deviant-x]

[QUOTE}Renatus
I just saw a campaign add that makes me think, the republicans might stand a chance after all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EL5A...layer_embedded
I mean jeeze, this is a Superbowl level quality campaign advertisement. I'm actually looking forward to seeing the presidential campaign advertisements this year.
[/quote]

Do you mean in terms of production costs? Nowhere close to superbowl. Just a very talented young artist (www.lumierefilmgroup.com). Awesome message in that one tho. Too bad it's coming from Perry, who is probably most-likely to get the Rep nomination. There's something twisted about him. Seems to be a toss-up between Perry and Romney tho, at this point. Cause there's no way in hell the Repubs are going to nominate a black man (Cain)... Then again, maybe they will. He seems to be the most level-headed of the bunch. But he's still a black man, and that's what most repubs are going to see first.

Originally Posted by Ben Lahnger

"Michele Bachmann would ax Dept. of Education, because all kids deserve the chance to be as ignorant as Michele Bachmann." -- Frank Conniff

While Bachman is largely a dumbass, some of what she has said makes perfect sense, axing the department of education being very high on that list of perfect sense. US public schools have been on a steady decline since Carter, to the point now that public schools are mostly deplorable. It doesn't matter how much money the government throws at them, they never have enough. Giving control over the schools back to the local communities would do a lot to improve the conditions. That doesn't mean they shouldn't receive ANY federal funding but they should be primarily funded by their communities. Breaking up teachers unions and making teachers actually earn their salaries based on performance instead of tenure, would also do a lot to improve it. There's no way you're going to prevent segregation regardless of what laws are passed, unless maybe you make private schools illegal.

[Ben Lahnger]

I'm ignoring the previous post (not because it's loaded with facetious arguments, but) because it is thread-jacking from the point of this thread, which is to crack jokes about the Republican presidential candidates.

Here's a couple of recent quotes from Andy Borowitz:

Bachmann defends Don't Ask, Don't Tell: "It's been the key to a lot of successful marriages."

If Rick Perry is elected President, we will need fences on both borders to keep people from leaving.

The Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

The only time I ever pray for Rapture is when I'm watching a Republican debate.

Rick Perry on why he's qualified to be President: "The main job of the executive branch is executing people."

Ahahahahahahahaha!

[Grausamkeit]

Too right, Ben! Fuck a buncha Republicans!

[AshleyO]

While Bachman is largely a dumbass, some of what she has said makes perfect sense, axing the department of education being very high on that list of perfect sense.

Due to the public school system failing, let's cut that budget and return the teachers to minimum wage workers instead of retooling that institution and improving it. In fact, if any institution fails society, we should just stop funding or using that institution all together because it's just MADNESS to ever think it could be improved.

US public schools have been on a steady decline since Carter, to the point now that public schools are mostly deplorable.

Yeah... you know, budgets getting slashed left and right with the education department being up on the chopping board as well, that makes a lot of sense.

It doesn't matter how much money the government throws at them, they never have enough.

That's not true. You're already trying to treat this as if it's some kind of childish game as if the public school system is a giant spoiled baby. I'm willing to bet you've never had to make a budget or try to meet a certain standard within a limited budget before on such a scale as running public schools.

Giving control over the schools back to the local communities would do a lot to improve the conditions.

That's what the Dept. of Education is. The cities run the public schools. What?

That doesn't mean they shouldn't receive ANY federal funding but they should be primarily funded by their communities.

This already happens. What does it matter where the money comes from?

Breaking up teachers unions and making teachers actually earn their salaries based on performance instead of tenure, would also do a lot to improve it.

Let me rephrase this so everyone knows what you're talking about:

I think as a general rule, teachers are lazy scum who don't deserve any right to solidarity and to protect themselves from worker abuse. I somehow think "the cream always rises to the top and is treated as such" is a tautology even though there are mountains of empirical evidence to contradict my belief!

's no way you're going to prevent segregation regardless of what laws are passed, unless maybe you make private schools illegal.

You seem like a pretty antisocial chap, old sport. You think letting antisocial people make decisions for a society is generally a good thing?

[Ben Lahnger]

Dammit, do not contribute to the threadjacking.

Q) How can you tell if a person is a good Republican presidential candidate?

A) I don't know. The problem is, neither does the Republican party!

*pah-rum-tish*

[AshleyO]

I'm more trollable than Alan. What do you expect?

[Grausamkeit]

Originally Posted by AshleyO

I'm more trollable than Alan. What do you expect?

Much like the cake, that is also a lie.

[Ben Lahnger]

Originally Posted by AshleyO

I'm more trollable than Alan. What do you expect?

I think that's a lazy and self-indulgent answer.

What do I expect?

That you will respect and honor the topic focus of the threads I start as I respect and honor the topic focus of threads you start - regardless of what some fool-baiting fool posts.

[Grausamkeit]

Originally Posted by Ben Lahnger

I think that's a lazy and self-indulgent answer.

What do I expect?

That you will respect and honor the topic focus of the threads I start as I respect and honor the topic focus of threads you start - regardless of what some fool-baiting fool posts.

Ben, you know that's not how shit works, dude. We flame fucktard dimwits regardless of how much we love and respect the OP.

[Ben Lahnger]

This is genius and funny as hell!

A "Bad Lip Reading" soundbite of Rick Perry!

The best thing about it is, it makes more sense than what he actually says!

"Build me a small dog house."

[Ben Lahnger]

I wish people would stop talking about how fat Chris Christie is and focus on what a shitty governor he is. -- Andy Borowitz

[AshleyO]

Originally Posted by Ben Lahnger

I think that's a lazy and self-indulgent answer.

What do I expect?

That you will respect and honor the topic focus of the threads I start as I respect and honor the topic focus of threads you start - regardless of what some fool-baiting fool posts.

God damn it, no! Shit don't work like that here, bruh.

[Ben Lahnger]

.

Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron. - Andy Borowitz

.

[x-deviant-x]

Wasn't baiting anyone, just responding to something I didn't agree with and gave reason why, as others have done similarly in this thread. And I'd really appreciate it if you stopped referring to me as a republican because I am not. My family is mostly republican but I've never voted for one, and usually dislike most of them. I registered as an independent and if anything I'm a centrist with conservative values. The only time I've ever voted for any president was Obama. Unlike most here, it seems, when I decide to vote for someone it's based on actually listening to what they have to say. I could really give a fuck less what party they align themselves with.

But just so you don't get your knickers in a knot again I'll respond to AshleyO in another thread.