Tha Joke Thread.

[Tha Duckman]

Gives me alls yr jokeses!!

[Noumi]

Knock knock
who's there?

Doris

Doris who?

The Door is closed, thats why I'm knocking....

[Lapin]

An Irishman walks up to his friend and says "I think my knuckles are going to bruise."

His mate looks at his hand, which shows no signs of bruising yet, and asks "Why do you think your knuckles are going to bruise?"

"Because I had to hit that English bastard six times in the face before he stopped saying that the Irish were violent."

----

What do you get when you cross a Scot and an Irishman?

Nothing mate, because the doctors say that you don't know I'm here anyway.

----

[Pineapple_Juice]

Did you hear the one about the vacuum?

It sucked.

[Noumi]

You wanna hear a fast joke?

You wanna hear it again?

[Tha Duckman]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[Is stealing that].

[PinstripesAndPithHelmets]

Two goldfish are in their tank.



One says to the other, "You man the guns, I'll drive."

[Stormtrooper of Death]

An old Groucho Marx one: So I shot an elephant in my pajamas today. How he got in there, I'll never know!

[PinstripesAndPithHelmets]

Why did farmers stop feeding their cows round bales of hay?



The cows weren't getting three square meals a day!

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

Lets pull out the classics

Why did the plane crash?

Because the pilot was a loaf of bread

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

because it was dead

why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

it was stapled to the first

why did the third koala fall out of the tree?

peer pressure

How do you hide an elephant in a bag of skittles?

paint its toenails

How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge?

There are footprints in the butter

Why don't crocodiles eat vegetables?

because they can't chew the wheelchairs

[Stormtrooper of Death]

A musician's joke. So a band gets done with their set and they are about to sign a deal with a huge record label. The singer is thinking "This is great, I'll get all the cars and women I want!" The guitarist is thinking "This will be awesome, I'll finally have enough money to get my drug habit going and I'll have a really expensive guitar!" The drummer is thinking "This will be awesome I can finally buy that huge drum set I've always wanted!" And the bassist is thinking "E, A ,D, D,D. E, A, D, E, D." Get it? As I bassist I find it funny seeing as bass lines are repetitive and boring.

[Sinless]

Originally Posted by Tha Duckman

Gives me alls yr jokeses!!

Me: "Knock knock."
Someone: "Who's there?"
Me: "The interrupting cow."
Someone: "The interrupting cow w..."
Me: "MOOOOOOOOOOO."
Someone: "HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH.."

[Sinless]

Originally Posted by Sir Canvas Corpsey

Lets pull out the classics

Why did the plane crash?

Because the pilot was a loaf of bread

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

because it was dead

why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

it was stapled to the first


why did the third koala fall out of the tree?

peer pressure

How do you hide an elephant in a bag of skittles?

paint its toenails

How do you know if there's an elephant in your fridge?

There are footprints in the butter

Why don't crocodiles eat vegetables?

because they can't chew the wheelchairs

I love these! Just wait'll I tell my Mom the vegetable one...

[disorder]

What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?


Where's my tractor?

[Godslayer Jillian]

"When you squeeze a lemon, lemon juice comes out, because that's what's inside." - Lamest fortune cookie ever.

[disorder]

How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?
The police report indicates three.

How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
If you call up Steven Murphy Electrical Contractors on (08) 9284 7281 they can send over a qualified electrician to screw it in for you between 9-6 on any working day, guaranteed to arrive within an hour of your call or you get 50% off!

What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby?
A life-sentence in jail.

A man walks into a bar. He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tried again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.

What did the little boy with no arms or legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.

Three blind mice walk into a bar. They are unaware of their surroundings, so it would be irresponsible to derive humour from their predicament.

How many engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One.

Yo mama's so fat she has to wear large clothes.

How do you stop a rhino from charging?
Shoot it, ideally several times with a large caliber weapon. Alternately, use a tranquilizer gun if keeping the rhino alive is important.

[disorder]

There once was a young man who loved the circus. Throughout all his childhood, he had loved the clowns, big tents, acrobats, the animals, the ring master. But this young man had never been to the circus. He had only heard about it from family and friends. The circus had never been to his town, and he could not afford to go to a big city to see a traveling circus. But one day, the young man was reading a newspaper with his breakfast as usual, and out of the blue, something caught his eye. The circus was coming to his town! The young man was so excited, he could not sleep. He counted down the days on his calendar until finally, the day came. The circus had arrived. The man rushed to his car, but he realised he'd almost forgotten his ticket, so he rushed back inside to fetch it. Then he drove to the big top, eagerly anticipating the culmination of all his childhood dreams. He had a front row seat, right in the heart of the action. He was so excited, he could not wait for the show to start. And when it did, the man was gobsmacked. It was better than anything he could have expected. He loved every minute of it. But there was a part he wanted to see more than anything else. The clowns. This circus' clown had a reputation for being the funniest in all the land. The clown looked around the audience looking for a ripe target, and before long he found one. By amazing coincidence, it was the man, who had been waiting all his life for this moment. And the young man was overjoyed when he managed to capture the clown's attentions. The clown stopped, waddled over, doing a little funny dance. Everyone giggled. The spotlight came down over the clown as he walked to the edge of the ring. He paused, and peered at the man, then glared knowingly at the audience. There was a long silence. The man was on the edge of his seat, thrilled by what the clown might say to him. Finally the clown said "Are you the back end of an ass?" The man was a bit taken aback. This wasn't quite what he was expecting. But he was still excited, and wanted to hear what would come next. So he replied, "No". The clown stared at him, and placed his hands on his hips, then lifted a hand to his chin, rubbing it thoughtfully. "Are you the front end of an ass?" asked the clown, glaring at the man. The man again was quite surprised, and by this point was beginning to wonder where this was leading. He hesitated, before answering again. "No, no I’m not." The clown leaned forward. And then looked round at the audience, everyone on tenterhooks, waiting for the clown's response. "Well then," said the clown. "You must be no end of an ass!" And with that, the tent came alive with shrieks of laughter. The whole audience was in stitches, and so was the clown, in fact, everyone was, but with one exception. The spotlight remained on the man, his mouth agape. He had just been utterly humiliated. A lone teardrop rolled down his cheek. The man burst into tears. His childhood dreams had been shattered, his idol, his role model, the very thing he adored most in the world, had just made a complete fool of him. The man drove home and collapsed on his bed, shivering and crying for hours on end. He slowly sank into an extreme depression, he was unable to work, lost all his friends, his social life, the ones he loved.

Many years later, the man was still not the same as before. He had lost his lust for life, and nothing seemed to matter to him any more. He even attempted suicide. For the man's dreams and one true love had been destroyed in that split second, and his life was ruined. More months passed. The man grew increasingly resentful. He wanted to get revenge for what the clown had done to him. He relived the events over and over in his head, trying to think what he could have done differently. Eventually, the opportunity the man was waiting for arrived. The circus was coming to town again. The man, still distraught by his first encounter all those years ago, determined that the best way to overcome his depression would be to face the source of his torment once again. He put on his shoes, got in his car and drove to the circus once more. He had bought a front row ticket once again, almost in the same position as before. Once again, the other events of the show passed by without incident, and for a short while, the man could forget about his troubles, and just enjoy the spectacle. But then the clown came again. And it was the same clown. He looked a fair bit older, but as soon as he set eyes upon him, the man recognised him immediately. The clown did a few tricks, but then he decided to turn upon the audience once more. At first the clown wandered to the opposite side of the ring, but then slowly made his way back toward where the man was sitting. He was about to call upon another member of audience when suddenly he saw something in the corner of his eye. The same man from all those years ago. The clown could not pass this up. He strolled over to the man once again, and the man looked straight back at the clown.

The spotlight came down over the clown as he walked to the edge of the ring. He paused, and peered at the man, then glared knowingly at the audience. There was a long silence. The man was on the edge of his seat, eager to get back at the clown for what he'd said all those years before. Finally the clown said "Are you the back end of an ass?" It was happening all over again. But the man, despite his planning, was paralysed. It must have been the heat of the spotlight, the atmosphere of the audience, or perhaps just the clown, the same clown, looking straight into his eyes. The man didn't know what to do. He had no control over what he was about to say. All he could do was reply, "No". The clown stared at him, and placed his hands on his hips, then lifted a hand to his chin, rubbing it thoughtfully. "Are you the front end of an ass?" asked the clown, glaring at the man. The man still could not think of anything else to say. The same thing that happened before was happening now. The man seized up in fear. "No, no I’m not." The clown leaned forward. And then looked round at the audience, everyone on tenterhooks, waiting for the clown's response. "Well then," said the clown. "You must be no end of an ass!" And with that, the tent came alive with shrieks of laughter once again. The whole audience was in stitches, and so was the clown, in fact, everyone was, but with one exception. The spotlight remained on the man, his mouth agape. He was reliving his nightmare, and this time it was worse. He had known what was coming and he had no power to stop it. A lone teardrop rolled down his cheek. The man burst into tears. After the culmination of all his suffering, and his chance to exact revenge, the man failed in his mission. He drove home and collapsed on his bed, shivering and crying for hours on end.

20 years later. The man was an old man, a soulless husk of his former self, so scarred by what had happened that he could barely speak. This time he was going to kill himself for sure. He decided he would drink himself to death. He drove to a pub, not his local, but one as far away from home as he could find. He sat down at the bar, and began to drown his sorrows, this time, for good. He glanced around the room woefully, looking at all the smiling faces and laughter of the patrons. A man sitting a few stools away was watching him. He began to pity the man, this poor old man, drowning himself in drink. He shifted his seat, moving adjacent to the old man. After a few failed attempts to break the ice and start a conversation, the old man eventually got himself drunk enough to reply to the stranger. He confessed what he had told no-one over all these years. He told his whole story, about his childhood, the clown, his depression, and enduring the same torment 20 years ago. The stranger sympathized, but then he smiled. "I may have an answer for you." He began to whisper to the man. "I happen to know of a very special thing. A scathing retort that can be used that's so perfect, so powerful, that not even the wittiest, most cunning clown of them all could muster a reply." The old man's ears perked up. Could what he be hearing be true? Was there something he could say to the clown and finally get him back after a lifetime of misery? The man shook his head. "I can't do it," he sighed. "It'll just happen again, I couldn't take that." The stranger patted the old man on the back. "Okay," he said, "Why don't I come with you, and then I can tell him this scathing insult, so you don't have to?" The man looked at the stranger, his eyes glistening with hope. Here was his chance to get even. So they shook hands, exchanged numbers, and parted company. Until the circus returned to town.

[disorder]

The man counted the days once again, and this time when he drove to the big top, he met with the stranger from the bar. They both took front row seats, once again. The man was still nervous, he thought it could only go wrong once more. So he said to his new friend, "I can't go through with this. I have to leave." His friend smiled reassuringly and said, "Don't worry. I told you before, this insult is bullet-proof. Nothing can go wrong." And with that, the show began once again. The two men watched the show, it seemed better than ever. The old man knew that this time, it was now or never. There was no turning back. The clown came onto the stage. He was a very old clown now, and with him was a young apprentice, humorously usurping the antics of his forebear. The old clown announced that he was soon to retire. But he still had time for one last joke. He walked slowly around the ring, looking for prime targets, a final victim for which he could go out in a blaze of glory. He peered around carefully. He couldn't believe it. There was the man, once more, sitting, in almost exactly the same position as he was all those years ago. The clown could barely contain his delight, here was his chance to make a fool out of the man who just kept coming back for more. As he approached his old adversary, the old man trembled in the audience. He knew what was coming. But his friend grinned calmly. The clown stopped. "Are you the back end of an ass?" he asked. The man, now too old and frail to even think of a comeback, muttered hesitantly. "No". The clown stared at him, and placed his hands on his hips, then lifted a hand to his chin, rubbing it thoughtfully. "Are you the front end of an ass?" asked the clown, glaring at the man. The man still could not think of anything else to say. "No, no I’m not." The clown leaned forward. And then looked round at the audience, everyone on tenterhooks, waiting for the clown's response. "Well then," said the clown. "You must be no end of an ass!" At that point, the old man's companion leaned in to the spotlight. He called to the old clown above the din of the roaring laughter of the audience. The clown could hear him, and he gestured for the spectators to quieten down. Gradually the laughter subsided, and a strange hush fell over the arena. Everyone was fixated upon this strange man, who had broken all the rules by interrupting the clown in his moment of triumph. The clown cupped a palm to his ear. The old man's friend said, "Er, excuse me? Excuse me? Sir?" The clown, who was now paying full attention to this strange man, replied "Yes?" The old man sat bolt upright in his seat, peering nervously at his friend, anxiously waiting to hear what he had to say. His friend said, "Fuck you, Clown."

[Godslayer Jillian]

No, fuck you Disorder.

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

I am not amused

[blackwater1110]

*shakes fist* Damn you, disorder! DAMN YOU!!!

Though, that does remind me of a joke I was told a long, long time ago, where the school monitor told us a joke that lasted an hour, only to end dissapointingly. I was maybe 7. It took up the whole recess. My biggest regret was not memorizing it so I could use it against you right now.

[ScarletWitch]

That might have been the Aristocrat joke. That joke is different every time you hear it and the whole point of it is making it as long as humanly possible.

[Noumi]

So,there were two dogs in the park, and one said to the other....

Error

The page cannot be displayed

Dogs can´t talk...

[Sir Canvas Corpsey]

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only two, it's getting them in there, that's the problem

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms

How do you stop a little boy from riding his bike?

Crush him with a fridge

[Xombie]

Yay for myspace bulletins.


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell br eaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.





These seem to go along with Sir Canvas Corpsey's. :]

Q: Why did the toddler drop his lollipop?
A: He was hit by a truck.

Q: What's the best part about screwing twenty five year olds?
A: There are twenty of them.
...Sorry.