The truth was that it was between Twilight or this

Godslayer Jillian · 08-31-2008, 01:52 PM

That's how Twilight got published.
An eccentric and totally awesome millionaire said one day "I have enough money to do anything I want"
So out of a whim, he came up with an idea he himself could not have thought it would work (the guy's a him not because I'm a sexist using a male pronoun as a starting point but because we all know only men can be successful millionaires)
He hired twelve of the best marketing majors in America, one was even good enough that he triumphantly marketed agent orange as a new children drink which has become the biggest competitor of Kool-Aid.
With this group of corporate whores, they began to search in the internet for the worst piece of fanfiction ever written.

The idea was to see if the worst goffik fanfin ever, if carefully marketed and massively produced, would actually appeal to enough angst-ridden, miniskirt-wearing overweight thirteen year-olds, to produce any revenue at all. The millionaire was hoping this would not be true. He's an optimist and still had hopes for the literate tastes of mankind.

However, after eight months of digging through the internet, they narrowed down the worst fanfic ever to two possibilities.
It would have been a no-brainer which was the worst one. Twilight looks like fucking Chaucer in comparison, but one of the marketing majors, the one that still had a little soul in him, swore that he would commit suicide if they maintained the course and actually published the real worst fanfic ever.
So they settled with the second worst, and that's how Twilight came to be.

Now, without further ado, here's the actual worst fanfic of all times, the one that was going to be as highly successful among dark-hearted and misunderstood teens with horrible lives that can only be appeased by listening to shitty music in their 300GB iPods and as massively marketed as Twilight, but even marketing majors thought they were above that!

Here it is:

My Immortal: a shitty attempt at literature by a very delusional girl

Wednesday Friday Addams · 08-31-2008, 01:56 PM

"Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way"

Lol

gothicusmaximus · 08-31-2008, 01:57 PM

I'm almost certain my Immortal is intentionally bad. I could believe it was genuine up until the part at which 'Enoby' travels to the past, when hot topic was still called 'hot ishoo', and meets a gothic Marty McFly.

Godslayer Jillian · 08-31-2008, 01:58 PM

"a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white"

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!

(by the way, Wednesday, where's your avatar from? I've always been curious)

Underwater Ophelia · 08-31-2008, 01:59 PM

Haha, I've read that.

Xombie · 08-31-2008, 02:01 PM

I wish the guy I wanted to fuck the brains out of would be my brother, too. Yum.

Madarame · 08-31-2008, 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

I'm almost certain my Immortal is intentionally bad. I could believe it was genuine up until the part at which 'Enoby' travels to the past, when hot topic was still called 'hot ishoo', and meets a gothic Marty McFly.

I fear this may simply be wishful thinking on your part, although I too have hopes that this is some satirical humour. Either way it's good for some laughs.

Delkaetre · 08-31-2008, 02:25 PM

It's a troll, I'm sure of it.
Nothing on this planet would have actually written anything that bad and CARRIED ON writing something that bad for that long, unless they were doing it to see what reaction they could get.
Besides, you can see where the author slips up sometimes- the poor spelling occasionally corrects itself into recognisable words and the really bad spelling's not consistent from paragraph to paragraph.
.
.
.
Yes. I *have* read My Immortal, in a fit of quiet horror.

Madarame · 08-31-2008, 02:42 PM

Yeah, has to be a troll. The lanuage isn't very consistent and seems like somebodies attempt to imitate this kind of writing. Also the very obvious substitution of "masticating" for masturbating aswell as the part that says "pointing his womb" makes it seem more and more like a joke.

HumanePain · 08-31-2008, 02:46 PM

The fascinating thing is the social dynamics behind it. Yes, ripples emanating from teen girls in the toilet bowl of drama splash only upon the porcelain sides of eventual flushdom, to be forever forgotten, but the fact that fads propagate through them, and are temporarily held in high regard by those who keep the stories popular is an interesting clue to human social behavior, specifically, the need to belong.

Unfortunately, this same phenomenon is used by marketers, publicists and politicians to manipulate the masses, as we do not grow out of it. Sure, the topics become Dan Brown, Madonna and hurricane Katrina instead of Evanescence and Danny Phantom, but the behavior has the same roots.

Sir_Vex · 08-31-2008, 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HumanePain

The fascinating thing is the social dynamics behind it. Yes, ripples emanating from teen girls in the toilet bowl of drama splash only upon the porcelain sides of eventual flushdom, to be forever forgotten, but the fact that fads propagate through them, and are temporarily held in high regard by those who keep the stories popular is an interesting clue to human social behavior, specifically, the need to belong.

Unfortunately, this same phenomenon is used by marketers, publicists and politicians to manipulate the masses, as we do not grow out of it. Sure, the topics become Dan Brown, Madonna and hurricane Katrina instead of Evanescence and Danny Phantom, but the behavior has the same roots.

You trying to knock Danny Phantom? Guys a hero. Nobody teases Danny.

HumanePain · 08-31-2008, 03:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sir_Vex

You trying to knock Danny Phantom? Guys a hero. Nobody teases Danny.

Hey, ask anyone here: I am a die hard fan of Danny Phantom. I have written seven fanfict stories and poems about him and Sam Manson and their eternal love, so relax.

So what did you think of the movie Phantom Planet?

LetheanBlacklight · 08-31-2008, 11:33 PM

Twilight won over this fine piece of comedy?

$haDe · 09-01-2008, 09:32 AM

Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell)

Oh yeah.. dressed Oprah black,Oh you!! put some powder on this fat bitc...
I mean her face.. Here we go,Isn't she goth?

Oh crap...

Joker_in_the_Pack · 09-02-2008, 02:23 AM

I read one page and gagged.

Saya · 09-02-2008, 02:30 AM

You managed a whole page? You're braver than I.

a morbid curiosity · 09-02-2008, 02:37 AM

I managed a fair bit of it.

"Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?)."

Hahahahahaha.
It can't be real, it's too amazing.

Saya · 09-02-2008, 02:44 AM

You know its bad when you get bombarded with criticism from fanfic.net. I wrote stuff there when I was like 12, it was horrible terrible garbage, out of curiosity I looked it up and it was still there, and I got praised to the heavens on my amazing poetry skillz.

She_Is_My_Sin · 09-02-2008, 02:58 AM

I'm actually surprised that they managed to write 44 chapters of it.

Bloody hell.

Madarame · 09-02-2008, 03:21 AM

Fortyfour chapters?! I could only manage twelve.
I would have read more if it wasn't for Ebony changing her clothes almost twice per page, the rest was hilarious but those parts were just tedious and annoying.

Saya · 09-02-2008, 03:37 AM

There's gold to be found in the comments too. And while she got mostly negative comments its still funny to see people actually like this crap as if its serious.

"it was "interesting". the luv triangle was confusin, tho. it's so weird that we're both goth! update soon!"

"gurl i can agree with ya about preps and Gerard Way and hot topic...but im to poor to buy anything from there i hang out w/vamps and goths so plze update really soon"

"i like her. what is she? a prostute/bitch? but i still like her all the same. u have to make the sex really hot. like FLAMING."

"*titters* This isn't as good as "I'm Not Okay," but it's close. Keep up the excellence."

Its one thing to write something like that, which is probably satire (although honestly I wouldn't put it past some writers there to be serious about it), but its just absolutely hilarious to see people take it seriously and still like it.

And I found this one funny too:
"Ew! You're, like, a freaky goth person!! Draco deserves better! Like, me and Angel Kitty!! Not some, like, freaky named person. EW!
And what do you have against preps? Your just jealous! Don't hate us, just cuz your jealous doesnt mean you should pretend you hate us!"

MitsyMayhem · 09-02-2008, 02:06 PM

My friends laugh about this everyday.
"The I am STAN"
Line cracks me up.
I'm sure it was on purpose.

Necrophagist · 09-02-2008, 02:14 PM

I read the whole thing. Hilarious!