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| Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
10-04-2008, 05:03 PM
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#1
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
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Feelings Before Telling You About My Feelings.
how many cigarettes can I smoke
in an empty bathtub dirty bathtub
rings around the outside are a strange border
before it occurs to me--
i haven't got anything on,
but i haven't the strength to turn the water on
I'm always halfway there.
A record skipping like the answers
to questions you asked me yesterday.
hands in there on my bed
every time hoping you'll walk in
so i can tell you i think of you
i don't wear underwear
so it's my jeans that are wet when i'm around you
other people would call me eloquent
but i put my face between my knees and stutter
my face gets hot and the back of my neck hurts
around you.
I feel like this could be better if it were less "teenagery," but I like it too much right now to edit it.
I probably will, in time.
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10-04-2008, 05:50 PM
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#2
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,687
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Nothing at all special. I'm angry, too, because this is the first one you've posted in a while.
You even evoked a "broken record"- even if you didn't do so in the most typical context, it's still a cliche, Oph.
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10-04-2008, 05:54 PM
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#3
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
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Aw, I liked that.
But yeah.
I still think it's a sweet poem.
Sweet like Mandy Moore or a puppy.
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10-04-2008, 05:56 PM
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#4
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,687
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Yeah, it'd be an okay singer-songwriter ditty or something.
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10-04-2008, 06:18 PM
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#5
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
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I'm so depressed.
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10-04-2008, 06:51 PM
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#6
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,424
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Definately not the best and definately not the worst...
You know what the poem gives me? The fact you're tired as fuck of a lot of things.
__________________
“Lots of ways to help people. Sometimes heal patients; sometimes execute dangerous people. Either way helps.”
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10-05-2008, 06:25 AM
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#7
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,721
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Ophelia, I'd love to see you write a poem that isn't about either love or emotional states. You're genuinely good with words and images, but the repetitive subject matter bogs you down.
__________________
All pleasure is relief from tension. - William S. Burroughs
Witches have no wit, said the magician who was weak.
Hula, hula, said the witches. - Norman Mailer
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10-05-2008, 06:28 AM
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#8
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: In your dreams.
Posts: 698
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Have you considered writing a poem about something around you?
Like the seasons, or even a rock?
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10-05-2008, 07:00 AM
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#9
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Apathy's_Child
Ophelia, I'd love to see you write a poem that isn't about either love or emotional states. You're genuinely good with words and images, but the repetitive subject matter bogs you down.
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Heh, I actually have/do, but I don't post them here, and haven't written anything like that in a while.
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10-05-2008, 07:02 AM
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#10
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by MitsyMayhem
Have you considered writing a poem about something around you?
Like the seasons, or even a rock?
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Oh, no, I'm way too full of myself to even consider writing about anything that doesn't directly link to me.
Yeah, hot shot, I have.
I don't post everything I write here.
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10-05-2008, 07:17 AM
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#11
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: In your dreams.
Posts: 698
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia
Oh, no, I'm way too full of myself to even consider writing about anything that doesn't directly link to me.
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Obviously
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia
I don't post everything I write here.
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and obviously.
My former post wasn't an attempt a being smart either.
It was actually a suggestion my creative writing teacher said to my friend Amberly.
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10-06-2008, 03:23 AM
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#12
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,721
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia
Heh, I actually have/do, but I don't post them here, and haven't written anything like that in a while.
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Then for the love of god, woman, post 'em here. Unless they're about rocks.
__________________
All pleasure is relief from tension. - William S. Burroughs
Witches have no wit, said the magician who was weak.
Hula, hula, said the witches. - Norman Mailer
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10-06-2008, 03:29 AM
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#13
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 2,687
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I request that Underwater Ophelia posts her vast library of rock poems immediately.
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10-06-2008, 09:32 AM
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#14
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Earth.
Posts: 8,001
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Maybe in time.
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