Why does marriage tend to be so damn unequal?

[chelseagirl]

Don't worry guys, nothing bad will happen! I'm going to try to get up the nerve to talk to him about things tonight, AND ask him to help clean before his friends get here. We've been together for almost 7 years, and married for the last 2 1/2.

He's been nagging me about wanting me to have a baby with him, but that's NEVER going to happen unless he does a complete 180. I don't even understand why he wants a baby so badly, he's an immature kid himself and I know he wouldn't help take care of it.

Anyways, don't worry guys, I'll let you know how he reacted tomorrow.

[Corpsey]

Holy fuck, I wish I had read this earlier...

He sounds like a spoilt child with very little self control if he's throwing things around.

If he so much as lays a hand against you sheerly because you didn't clean or whatever... press charges or threaten to do so. I can't see the relationship through whatever scope you are seeing it but seriously, if he manhandles you or anything violent... go see a friend and camp out for the night and let him swelter. Don't be the one to back down there.

That being said, I hope his whole 'women clean, men grunt and be lazy' phrase was a joke in all contexts. Seriously, a decent man would never say any such thing unless he was joking; otherwise he'd be quite a bit of a chauvinistic toss. If it wasn't a joke, that needs to be discussed between you and him.

Other than that I can't really make a prudent judgement on whatever's going on there. Talk this over with a lot of your girls or mates or parents or whatever you can, if it's getting that serious. Talk about how to chain down this headstrong puppy.

[Deadmanwalking_05]

The reason he wants a kid with you is so he can have leverage,and it would be harder for you to leave.

Just take care and be safe.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Leave him.

[Pantherlette086]

Originally Posted by Deadmanwalking_05

The reason he wants a kid with you is so he can have leverage,and it would be harder for you to leave.

Just take care and be safe.

That's what my husband did!!

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

Leave him.

Best advice here.

To the OP: He's a chauvinistic asshole, just leave.

[Splintered]

Originally Posted by Corpsey

If he so much as lays a hand against you sheerly because you didn't clean or whatever... press charges or threaten to do so.

In my opinion, it's not a good idea to threaten someone that you will press charges. It gives the defense the ability to say, "Look, they had the ability to press charges right when it happened, but they tried to blackmail my client". It may be complete and utter bullshit from the defense's side, but it can work.

So, if you ever feel you need to press charges, don't threaten, just do.

[MollyMac]

Marriage is as unequal as you let it be. Man up.

[Apathy's_Child]

He's a dick. Now, I can be something of a dick myself, so I came into this thread thinking I just might have some sympathy for the guy. However, this is downright pathetic. It's not so much the housewotrk thing as his general attitude towards you that seems to be cause for concern.

Go on strike, and if he starts throwing shit, leave the house. Let him destroy his surroundings in a fit of childish rage if that's what he wants (you might want to clear your own stuff away before he gets home). Return, expecting an apology. If this is not forthcoming, then leave for good. Without wanting to get all Aretha about it, he clearly has no respect and that's no basis for anything other than a life of frustration, resentment and repressed anger which WILL one day burn a hole in your stomach lining.

[Mealla]

This relationship does sound as though it is emotionally abusive. And physical abuse usually doesn't happen right off. I was in a similar boat, got myself into a relationship where the guy was living with me, and he would manipulate, intimidate, or guilt-trip me into doing whatever he wanted me to do. He would often use threats, yelling, cursing, and the like. He also never cleaned, and I was expected to do the dishes, clothes washing, cooking, etc.

From what I've heard, this sounds like a bad relationship. A good relationship can be characterized by how happy both people are, and how well they work together to take both the good and bad times that life throws at them. Fights do occasionally occur even in good relationships, but I would be wary if they happen fairly often, if they are as violent as they sound (even if the violence is not yet directed at you physically), and if you are left that distraught after them.

From what I've read here, I would suggest you leave him, or at the very least stay with a relative or friend for a few days to think things over. I'd also suggest talking to a trusted relative, friend, or a mental health professional/counselor about the current conditions in the relationship for better advice on what to do in your specific situation. Relatives or friends would be concerned about you and would be at least somewhat familiar with your husband, and a psychologist, counselor, or social worker would be aware of what warning signs to look for, and would have resources for you should you choose a divorce. If money is a problem, many mental health professionals work on a sliding scale if health insurance won't cover it, and many communities have affordable mental health centers.

Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you have kids at this time. He would just use them to manipulate you, and if the environment in the relationship is that stressed right now, that's not a good situation to bring kids into. Additionally, he would be likely to treat kids the same way he treats you if they do something he doesn't like. Would you want him yelling at your kids, throwing things, and cursing at/around them?

The fact that he lied about himself to get you attached to him is also despicable, and if he lied about liking horror movies, he could have lied about other things.

[chelseagirl]

Originally Posted by Deadmanwalking_05

The reason he wants a kid with you is so he can have leverage,and it would be harder for you to leave.

Just take care and be safe.

Holy crap, this never occurred to me, but I think you may be right! I'm not sure that I even ever wants kids anyway, but definitely not for many years.

Well, he helped me do one thing last night. One of his damn problems is that he can't drag himself away from looking at porn on the computer long enough to do anything. He fed the dogs for me and put some boxes in the attic, but that's all I could get him away from the computer to do.

Something really needs to change. I really wanted to have a serious talk with him last night-but then that band ended up showing up early, so I couldn't

He knows he's a jerk. He tells me all the time that he doesn't know why I stay with him, and he's told his parents that I'm a "saint" for putting up with him.

I truly believe that he has some sort of mental disorder that causes him to act that way. If he's not being mean and sexist, then he's being sickenly sweet, telling me I'm the best wife in the world and how much he loves me. It's like he has two distinctly different personalities. Could that be bi-polar disorder?

[Tam Li Hua]

It could indeed be bi-polar disorder, but that doesn't make it any less dangerous.

If he wants help, he will get help. But for now, you need to find a way to take care of yourself away from him.

Oh, I've been meaning to ask: What is the age difference between the two of you?

[Geoluhread]

OMG, that last post of yours made me feel like I'm reading about my ex

He got this attitude of me being too good to be true, that i should be better off with another, or why did i choose him... I got so fed up with that crap... Eventually, after a year of being together, he turned out to have a completely different personallity from the one i fell in love with, and it all fell into place in terms of where the hell "the I'm not good enough for you" attitude came from...

For you, he already said that he doesn't like horror movies (which means he was pretending for the past 5 years)... He has a different personallity (or at least two personallities that are different)... And getting along with him well should not be the only reason for you to stick around...

[chelseagirl]

Originally Posted by Tam Li Hua

Oh, I've been meaning to ask: What is the age difference between the two of you?

I'm 34, and he's 26

[JCC]

1. Marriage is meant to be unequal, that's the point.

2. Leave the fucker.

[Tam Li Hua]

Originally Posted by chelseagirl

I'm 34, and he's 26

That's not really too big of a gap, IMHO. If he hasn't learned how to control his temper by now, then he's not going to.

I'm 30. My best friend just turned 26. My fiance is 33. All of us know how to control our anger, and our age differences aren't really an issue.

You are -very- young. Leave the jerk, and find someone who doesn't have serious emotional and mental issues. Trust me on this; I've had a LOT of experience with folks who refused to learn how to control themselves: Things will NEVER get better. They will only get worse.

[Tam Li Hua]

Originally Posted by JCC

1. Marriage is meant to be unequal, that's the point.

No, it's not; it's meant to be a partnership based on mutual love and respect, not an overbearing, harsh dictatorship. Most people don't understand that, though, which is where a lot of problems come in.

2. Leave the fucker.

*IAWTC .

*I Agree With This Comment.

[Geoluhread]

Marriage is unequal because the sexes aren't equal, and no matter how many women claiming for being equal they won't be...

It is -like Tam said- based on respect...
Clearly chelseagirl's husband doesn't respect her

[JCC]

Originally Posted by Tam Li Hua

No, it's not; it's meant to be a partnership based on mutual love and respect, not an overbearing, harsh dictatorship. Most people don't understand that, though, which is where a lot of problems come in.[/size]

Hey, you're right, obedience isn't one of the original vows.

Hey... wait a second...

Originally Posted by Geoluhread

Marriage is unequal because the sexes aren't equal, and no matter how many women claiming for being equal they won't be...

Fuck you.

[Geoluhread]

Being unequal doesn't mean to make someone feel less about them selves
Is an orange the same weight as a tomatoe? No!!
If you keep yelling at it to be equal it won't
But that doesn't stop both from being tasteful

A male's brain cannot do some functions, while women can, out of the way it's created
Vica versa...

[JCC]

So when you said there's not equality in marriage, you meant that they're not the same weight?

Like fuck you did.

As for the male brain not being able to do some functions that the women can, I want an example.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by Geoluhread

Is an orange the same weight as a tomatoe? No!!

You've got to be borderline retarded.

[LiUsAiDh]

Originally Posted by Geoluhread

Being unequal doesn't mean to make someone feel less about them selves
Is an orange the same weight as a tomatoe? No!!
If you keep yelling at it to be equal it won't
But that doesn't stop both from being tasteful

A male's brain cannot do some functions, while women can, out of the way it's created
Vica versa...

I'm hoping you mean different not unequal.

[chelseagirl]

Originally Posted by JCC

Hey, you're right, obedience isn't one of the original vows.

I adamately REFUSED to take the vow to obey. We wrote our own vows, and instead, we both said, "love, honor and cherish". I should have added "respect" on there, lol!

[MollyMac]

Marriage was not originally on a damned thing anyone mentioned. It was basically a chattel agreement. Speaking for current times, though, it is what you make of it, whether you are weak-minded or not

And an orange can weigh the same as a tomato, the mass can be different.