Well, it's done.

[Despanan]

After nearly six months of writing, I've finished my new play Appalachian Trail It's just a half a month shy of the one-year anniversary of leaving to Hike it. Anyway, the thing is 115 pages and I'm getting together a play reading and working towards sending it out to national new-play contests. I figured I'd post a small, and geeky conversation that two of my characters have in the second act. (LOTR is a recurring motif that I use throughout the play.)

This dialogue takes place in Act 2 Scene 4, at the summit of Mt. Moosilauke in New Hampshire

Nick: It’s fucking cold up here.

Adam: It’s the rain.

Nick: You put all your stuff in trash bags?

Adam: Why would I do that?

Nick: That was some heavy rain. It probably went right through your pack-cover.

Adam: Really?

Nick: Oh yeah.

Adam: Shit.

Adam immediately opens his pack and starts digging. He pulls out his stove, a mountain house, and his copy of The Fellowship of the Ring in a ziplock bag and sets them on the rock He then pulls out the top of his sleeping bag, it is noticeably damp.

Adam: Shit. Shit. Shit. How am I supposed to sleep in this?

Nick: It’s not goose down is it?

Adam: Synthetic.

Nick: It’ll still keep you warm.

Adam: You think?

Nick: It should. I doubt you’re in for a very pleasant evening though.

Adam sits down on the rock and rubs his temples.

Nick: (Picking up Adam’s book) You’re still carting this book around Frodo?

Adam: Yeah.

Nick: I saw the movies. I read it in highschool…I didn’t like it very much either time.

Adam: You know, if you think about it, The Lord of the Rings was about a thru-hike.

Nick: What?

Adam: It’s three books of Frodo walking to a mountain. Aragorn and Gandalf and the others fight a war. Frodo, he sees some action but mostly it’s just he and Sam walking.

Nick: Yeah…I remember most of the book being like that. “Frodo took a step. Then Frodo took another step. Then Frodo looked at a blade of grass, and then Frodo took another step.”

Adam: “And then a huge exciting fight scene happened—Somewhere else.”

Nick: “And Frodo took another step.”

They laugh. A pause.

Nick: Where do you suppose Frodo resupplied?

Adam: What?

Nick: Well, if it’s basically a thru-hike, then The Fellowship had to carry pretty much everything on their backs, right? I mean it’s not like there’s a postal service for Bilbo to send him mail-drops.

Adam: Hmm…Well while they were in the shire they were staying with relatives and stealing food. Then they stayed with Tom Bombadil, and then onto Bree for a townstop. they stayed in the inn…

Nick: And met Vigo Mortensen.

Adam: I guess Strider was hunting and foraging for them in the wilderness.

Nick: Like that kid who showed up at Neel’s Gap with a bow? The one who thought he was going to hunt deer the whole way to Maine? Good luck with carrying a deer carcass around out here.

Adam: Then they went to Rivendell.

Nick: And stayed with Agent Smith.

Adam: So they resupplied there, and then they tried to get to Rohan, but couldn’t make it over the mountain.

Nick: Pussies.

Adam: So then they went into Moria. They were in there for like a week. They probably thought they were going to get a resupply with Gimli’s cousin but the dwarves were all dead.

Nick: Because of that fire-guy.

Adam: The Balrog.

Nick: Gesundheit.

Adam: So still no food…Man they’ve gotta be starving.

Nick: I can’t stand missing even one of my three snack times, and they’re going a week without food?

Adam: And then they meet up with more Elves…and they get the lembas bread.

Nick: What is lembas bread?

Adam: A plot device. It’s magic elf-bread. One bite will fill the stomach of a grown man.

Nick: Sounds like Little Debbies.

Adam: So they’re eating off that, until Gollum gets rid of it and they…

Nick: What?

Adam: Dude…then they’re in Mordor. No lembas bread, no resupply. Frodo and Sam don’t eat for like, a month or something.

Nick: That is outrageous.

Adam: I guess Tolkien wasn’t a hiker.

Nick: Obviously not.

Adam: Maybe the hobbits were living off their fat?

Nick: Those books are fucking bullshit.

Adam: They’re about Elves and Goblins and Hobbits.

Nick: Point taken.

[Underwater Ophelia]

You need to work on this.

[Joker_in_the_Pack]

It's the poor mans Clerks, but for Hikers.

[JCC]

Isn't it a bit... pointless?

[gothicusmaximus]

Good idea, a two-hour play wherein the dramatis personae sit around and thoroughly recount scenes from more interesting pieces of fiction.
Seriously, this scene has no conflict or forward movement, it's just a detour into totally uninteresting territory effected through dialogue between two generic characters, whose voices are all but interchangable.
I guess you've only done one draft and maybe it's better at other places, but still this excerpt is pretty weak.

[Despanan]

Yes Gothicus, because clearly this is all they do for two-and a half hours.

The scene works better in the full context of the play, and it's not representative of the whole work. I mainly chose to post it because It was the shortest, self-contained piece that you can jump right into as someone who knows nothing about hiking or the characters and understand.

Basically it's just a little taste of the dialogue.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by Despanan

Yes Gothicus, because clearly this is all they do for two-and a half hours.

The scene works better in the full context of the play, and it's not representative of the whole work. I mainly chose to post it because It was the shortest, self-contained piece that you can jump right into as someone who knows nothing about hiking or the characters and understand.

Basically it's just a little taste of the dialogue.

I hate to be such a jerk about it, but this "little taste" makes me want to order something else.

It's boring as hell.

[Man In Room 5]

Just for fun, I touched it up a little. If these were my characters this is how they would speak because it's closer to my own speech and thus sounds more natural to me. Maybe it won't work for the characters you've created but most of the changes are minor. I also cut the stage directions a little. It went from 653 words to 606 and I think it flows a little easier now.



Nick: It’s fucking cold up here.

Adam: It’s the rain.

Nick: You put all your stuff in trash bags?

Adam: Why would I do that?

Nick: That was some heavy rain. It probably went right through your pack-cover.

Adam: Really? Shit.

Adam digs inside his pack. He removes a stove, mountain house, and a ziplocked copy of The Fellowship of the Ring and sets them on the rock. He exposes the top of his sleeping bag, it is damp.

Adam: Shit. Shit. Shit. How am I gonna sleep in this?

Nick: It’s not goose down is it?

Adam: Synthetic.

Nick: It’ll still keep you warm.

Adam: You think?

Nick: It should. It won't be a very pleasant evening though.

Adam sits on the rock and rubs his temples.

Nick: (Re: book) You’re still carting this book around Frodo?

Adam: Yeah.

Nick: I saw the movies. I read it in highschool…I didn’t like it very much either time.

Adam: Really, if you think about it, The Lord of the Rings was about a thru-hike.

Nick: What?

Adam: It’s three books of Frodo walking to a mountain. Aragorn, Gandalf and the others fight a war. Frodo, he sees some action but mostly it’s just he and Sam walking.

Nick: Yeah…I remember most of the book being like that. “Frodo took a step. Then Frodo took another step. Then Frodo looked at a blade of grass, and then Frodo took another step.”

Adam: “And then a huge exciting fight scene happened—Somewhere else.”

Nick: “And Frodo took another step.”

They laugh. A pause.

Nick: Where do you suppose Frodo resupplied?

Adam: What?

Nick: Well, if it’s basically a thru-hike, then they must've carried pretty much everything on their backs, right? I mean it’s not like there’s a postal service for Bilbo to send him mail-drops.

Adam: Hmm…Well in the shire they were staying with relatives and stealing food. Then they stayed with Tom Bombadil, and then onto Bree for a townstop. They stayed at the inn…

Nick: And met Vigo Mortensen.

Adam: I guess Strider was hunting and foraging for them in the wilderness.

Nick: Like the kid who showed up at Neel’s Gap with a bow and thought he was going to hunt deer the whole way to Maine? Good luck carrying a deer carcass around out here.

Adam: Then they went to Rivendell.

Nick: And stayed with Agent Smith.

Adam: So they resupplied there, and then they tried to get to Rohan, but couldn’t get over the mountain.

Nick: Pussies.

Adam: So they went to Moria for like a week. They probably intended to resupply with Gimli’s cousin but the dwarves were all dead.

Nick: Because of that fire-guy.

Adam: The Balrog.

Nick: Gesundheit.

Adam: So still no food…Man they’ve gotta be starving.

Nick: I can’t stand missing even one of my three snack times, and they’re going a week without food?

Adam: And then they meet up with more Elves…and they get the lembas bread.

Nick: What's lembas bread?

Adam: A plot device; magic elf-bread. One bite fills the stomach of a grown man.

Nick: Sounds like Little Debbies.

Adam: So they’re eating off that, until Gollum gets rid of it and they…

Nick: What?

Adam: Dude…then they’re in Mordor. No lembas bread, no resupply. Frodo and Sam don’t eat for like, a month or something.

Nick: That's outrageous.

Adam: I guess Tolkien wasn’t a hiker.

Nick: Obviously not.

Adam: Maybe they lived off their fat?

Nick: Those books are fucking bullshit.

Adam: They’re about Elves and Goblins and Hobbits.

Nick: Point taken.



I'm not sure if the format for plays is identical to that of movies but if it is check out The Hollywood Standard by Christopher Riley. I'm following it for a movie script I'm trying to write.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by Despanan

The scene works better in the full context of the play, and it's not representative of the whole work.

How does this digressive, sub-funny exchange advance the scene?

I mainly chose to post it because It was the shortest, self-contained piece that you can jump right into as someone who knows nothing about hiking or the characters and understand.

Well, we can understand the words you've written, but we receive the impression that your play is bad, which impression you apparently hold as wrong. As an aside, I'm hoping there aren't actually any significant parts of your play whose comprehension requires that one know about hiking.

[Despanan]

How does this digressive, sub-funny exchange advance the scene?

The exchange is a cooling off between the characters of Adam and Nick, they've just gotten into a fight and they're easing themselves back to the point of being friends again with this little aside. You ever been in a situation where you have a fight with your best friend, and you talk about bullshit for a minute just to fill the silence while you two calm down? It's like that.

On top of that, it's a continuation of the LOTR theme (which is a motif throughout the play) and the scene it's from has had alot to do with food, and how important it is, even though alot of people in America regard it as an afterthought.

I'm hoping there aren't actually any significant parts of your play whose comprehension requires that one know about hiking.

Not really. The first act sets up the audience with a bit of exposition, so that one understands the basic terminology and such, but I wrote it for people who have never been hiking.

Basically I've been talking about this thing for a few months now, and I wanted to make a post about finishing it. My thought process was along the lines of: "Okay, it's pretty lame just to be like "I'm done!" and not post anything...but it's not about vampires or anything, and these people have very short attention spans...ehh I'll post this little kevin-smithy exchange from Act 2. That's short and it's about hobbits, they might give a damn."

[JCC]

If you were in an audience watching this play and it was by someone else, do you think that you would be anything other than bored watching this scene unfold on stage?

[Despanan]

Indeed I do JCC. I think it's a good little scene. I do agree that it's a bit bland if you're not familiar with the characters, and you're just now getting into the scene. but I do think it's fairly clever and everyone else who's read it seems to like it. Remember this takes place nearly two hours into the play. While intense gripping drama is awesome, and very important for a story, in a two and a half hour show there have to be rest beats. There has to be a time for the audience to calm down and relax a little bit more, otherwise you'll be dealing with sensory overload and your powerful moments will become less powerful.

To use a mountain analogy, you need to have the valleys as much as the peaks, there has to be a fall, so that there can be a climb. Without the climb, the peak means nothing. Life is not a mountain-dew commercial, you can't stay on the peak the whole time.

Now that said, I probably will take a second look at this bit, during the first staged reading. I may cut it, I may not, that's going to depend upon how it sounds in the hands of actors, and how much it fits with the rest of the story.

[Underwater Ophelia]

How the fuck is LOTR a "theme?"
Seriously, how?

[Despanan]

It's a motif not a theme, as I said at least twice in this thread (though my wording was a little confusing on that last post. Sorry about that.)

I use LOTR as a motif in a number of different ways, but basically the play begins with the quote: "It’s a dangerous business; going out of your door You step into the Road and if you don’t keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." from Fellowship. That quote comes back a couple of times, there's numerous parallels implied between the group of thur-hikers and the fellowship itself, and as I said, LOTR was basically a thru-hike anyway. Also, the main character's trail name is Frodo and his journey parallels the classic hero's journey that Frodo/Beowulf/St. George/Luke Skywalker etc. go through.

So that's how it's a motif, which is used to illustrate a few of the different themes of the play.

[Underwater Ophelia]

I guess I was confused when you said "LOTR theme."

[Despanan]

I was using theme in the regular sense of the word, not the literary sense, as in:

Theme n.

1. a subject of discourse, discussion, meditation, or composition; topic: The need for world peace was the theme of the meeting.
2. a unifying or dominant idea, motif, etc., as in a work of art.
3. a short, informal essay, esp. a school composition.

Hence why I said it was a motif literally three words later.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Ok, fair enough.

However...I do still think it's a bad choice and poorly executed.

[Despanan]

You think something that you've never read is poorly executed?

[Duane]

It's better than what I wrote.