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| Literature Please come visit. People get upset, write poetry about it, and post it here. Sometimes we also talk about books. |
04-29-2007, 10:16 AM
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#1
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Nagoya, Aichi, Japan
Posts: 1,679
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No name yet.
I didnt mean to kill her..
Honest I swear.
I just wanted to hurt her
Make her feel just like me.
I wanted her to understand
So she could finally see .
What its like to live with a permanent
Hole in your heart.
To wake up every night screaming
Hellish nights I can never stop this dreaming.
But then the blood just drained
And her darling life went out fast.
And I was left alone just like the past.
So I mourn this corpse
And regret it all
I killed the best part of me and I did it with glee.
I just cant let any one heal me
I live to pick my scabs
And rip out stitchs
Every thing is self inflicted.
My love is like a fire it burns it burns it burns.
Im just like them I never ever learn.
what do you think?
__________________
"Yo tengo la empanada empinada"
- Me
" I love 4play! Its the best thing I've ever done"
- My Boyfriend
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04-29-2007, 10:57 AM
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#2
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: El Paso, Texas/ Ciudad Juarez, Chihuahua
Posts: 9,203
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Try to put rhythm in your writings. There's no point in breaking them in lines if it's not necessary.
I think you would be better writing short stories. Develop the characters more, make everything more vivid, and just write in prose.
I don't think I would be a fan, but I do have to say they would be better.
__________________
"No theory, no ready-made system, no book that has ever been written will save the world.
I cleave to no system. I am a true seeker."
-Mikhail Bakunin
Quote:
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Originally Posted by George Carlin
People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.
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05-01-2007, 07:07 PM
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#3
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Nagoya, Aichi, Japan
Posts: 1,679
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I think I will try short stories for a while, thanks .
__________________
"Yo tengo la empanada empinada"
- Me
" I love 4play! Its the best thing I've ever done"
- My Boyfriend
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05-02-2007, 03:57 AM
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#4
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 169
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You are getting better at writing. I rather liked this poem.
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05-02-2007, 04:45 AM
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#5
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Yew City
Posts: 2,413
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lessee... murder, cutting, hurt, bleeding... "pedestrian", common themes as addressed in your other work.
Do you at least see what we are getting at about overly common themes, as "shocking" as they may be to you or people from small towns without televisions?
__________________
I am The Mighty Cooch!!!!!!
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05-02-2007, 05:26 PM
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#6
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Flushing, NY
Posts: 3,206
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Overall, you show understanding in your writing, but you need a better vocabulary. It doesn't need to be Shakespeare, but at the same token, a good word could easily catch the reader's eye. If you bring something such as murder in a poem, leave it with the one stanza. Don't break up the idea, then continue it with "so..." Trust me, it is more effective in stories. You have the potential to write short epics; don't stay in a genre that is portrays your writing style unfavorably.
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05-02-2007, 05:33 PM
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#7
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a black hole with a black moon
Posts: 2,658
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Good dark themes, I love the bitterness, it gives a chilling sense.
__________________
"I think in some way I wanted it to end, even if it meant my own destruction."
-Jeffrey Dahmer
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