Abstractions of a Wayward Mind

[Aaroneet]

Conceal me, hence concealed to the embitt'rments of time

A creature so wondr'ous, and wonder to hisself

I dare ask, pretell, what draws you forth to such venom

Spewed to, like lambs upon the prarie, few

I swear, were ever the worse for the wear

And fewer ever so befuddled, or willing to reminisce

Tilt back your lips to the wonder of dear bliss

And perceive, all I gathered, to be meant to be

A moment betwixt the unfathomable line

Leads wealth to once mangled and famished minds

'Twas meant to be, and none

Could take relish in the weight of the run

And battle, turn to turn, that whim, that dreaded poison, that...

desire to learn

I dread thee, for all thine wondr'ous pleasure

A word upon thine lips, a song, I rejoice

To once more, search for that full-hearted voice

And, with flutt'ring heart and heavy mind

Harken forward and back to the fallacy of a concrete line.

[Mookie Lugubrious]

I checked out your profile. Your age surprises me. You've managed with this poem to achieve a sort of irridescence with your wording and line breaks that allows the poem to have a sense of itself without being unidimensional. There is hope for the future after all.

If you continue to develop subject/object, lover/beloved, creator/creature dichotomies (verbal symmetries (moving reflections)) - causes and their effects pinging through the ethers like dominoes through time) you're well on your way to fulfilling your prophesy.

I didn't bother introducing myself because I'm terrible with self-descriptions. To some extent they can only be lies. I work at a gas station, I'm an experimental poet who works with fiction and screenwriting indiscriminately. I have basically one published poem, and a bunch of writing samples that are supposed to be for my graduate school admissions. I hope to teach creative writing at the college level. To me this is basically practice. I get to have a sense of what sort of mistakes are common to young writers and try to think up alternative ways of doing the same thing.

Don't get me wrong here, I ain't shit (yet) but I do have some insight into the craft of writing. The question is how good am I at providing intelligent feedback etc.. so feel free to criticize my criticism. I merely wish to learn, and am capable of admitting I miss the boat sometimes.

For instance, you use a lot of archaic english no doubt because you're inspired by the dead more so than the living. If you were (for the sake of argument) inspired by the dying, then you might consider focusing your attention on more modern concerns. Not only that, but you should realize that you are mimicking a dead dialect, and the act of being able to imitate that sense of voice is at once integral to an artist's toolbox and also the surest cause of its demise should he or she get stuck in that one dialect. To be frank with you, the archaic english sounds amateurish, and instead of something like 'i dread thee...' - something else, say 'I fear pleasure' is more open, more obvious, more direct. It makes us wonder... what sort of person is afraid of pleasure... as opposed to, 'when was this written?' I mean honestly this poem is too good to appear amateurish. I've seen stuff in print I've cared for less. All editing is a matter of carving the lard off the juicy middle. Think simple language, and watch how webbishly complicated your poem becomes. That sense of intertextuality, and self-reflexiveness is what will open up the words.

It would also help if you broaden your sense of tradition.



Start there, with sort of pleasures that cause this poem's speaker fear, and make them concrete as you can, and yet still metaphorically multi-dimensional.

[Aaroneet]

Okay, I've heard before that my poems are complicated...I'll try to simplify...

[Mookie Lugubrious]

The weird thing is, when you make the language simpler, the poem will become more complex. If something is complicated it is so because it is made more difficult than need be. It becomes more of a distraction to the original point.

I really like the last line of this poem. Even though harken is the first word of it, it still resonates.

At any rate, you can get away with using archaic language every now and again, as long as you keep in mind it's one dialect among many, and every dialect has meaning.

[HumanePain]

Mookie: you still haven't answered the Intro questions in your Intro thread.
Barging into threads and giving advice when you cannot follow the simple instructions by properly introducing yourself may not lead to welcome replies.

Aaroneet: I LOVE the poem the way it was written!
I love older dialects. You are very talented and articulate.

[Aaroneet]

Thank you, Humanepain. To address the use of archaic language: it is also an example of heavy style integrated with substance; I have a special name for my brand of poetry; I call it revivalism in an attempt for me to explain the language intricacies.

If anyone else read it and felt as Mookie does, then I wrote more poems without the "thee,thou, etc". This is not the only way that I write; I experiment too. I just prefer to post this. However, if you want to see my more "experimental" stuff, I'll be more than happy to post it.

[HumanePain]

"Revivalism"! Great name!
I think I will give it a try.
:: inspired ::

[Aaroneet]

Glad to be an inspiration!

[Mookie Lugubrious]

Originally Posted by HumanePain

Mookie: you still haven't answered the Intro questions in your Intro thread.
Barging into threads and giving advice when you cannot follow the simple instructions by properly introducing yourself may not lead to welcome replies.

Aaroneet: I LOVE the poem the way it was written!
I love older dialects. You are very talented and articulate.

The intro questions were not in the intro thread by the time I replied to Aaroneet, therefore I could not answer. I apologize, I didn't read the instructions, and should have introduced myself. I apologize for my breech of ettiquette.

Aaroneet: Take half seriously those who would pander to your ego while accusing someone else of being rude. The best of the best are so because they are always getting better. Flatterers always have ulterior motives.

[Aaroneet]

It's just nice to receive a compliment. That's all. I have improved tremendously as a writer, and keep getting better. I thank you for your advice, however, I am ultimately the judge of myself, and the interactions in which I will choose to partake. I came to this site in need of fellowship; that was my first goal. As for publishing, I already had my first book published. Look in the Shill column if you want to learn more.

[Aaroneet]

I thank you for your time, however, my writing style has been evolving and changing for six years. There are many budding writers who are in desperate need of help; I, on the other hand, am perfectly capable of finding myself on my own. If I don't get your vote of support as a writer, then I write for myself. I may be published, but, in terms of my writing, I am no prostitute. There are plenty of others who want to be the next J.K Rowling or want to be that simple writer; I am my own person. Put simply, I want to evolve on my own terms, not when it is imposed upon me.