I guess you could say I'm a bit unhappy

Christina_Death1334 · 10-18-2007, 05:38 PM

Not trying to complain (though I am complaining) but I need to vent, maybe get some advice/support. The past few days have been a bit rough. Nothing particular has happened, 'tis all in my head.

I have been merely feeling down as of late. I don't know why. It could be my MDD or just my regular thoughts. I am very insecure right now about losing my boyfriend (isn't every teen though?). I worry about losing his heart, not him breaking up with me. And the reason is (though it is sad...) because this has occured before.

I also feel a bit worthless because of my lack of skill as a painter. My work has never moved someone. My one wish is to see someone shed but a single tear as they stand before something I have created. I wish to inspire what I was feeling when I painted something in the viewer. But, this will never occur. My paintings aren't worth a damned thing, and I know it. Yet, I try and try though destined to fail.

On top of that (I say this like it's serious...far too dramatic, no?) my mother is nagging. When I say "nagging" I mean calling me a whore, ridiculing me because my boyfriend isn't quite "normal", and asking when I'm going to cheat on him. (Though I can see why she would say this, I cheated on someone with him. I could brush up my morals, I suppose.)

Well, I know I sound whiny but this is the place for whining, is it not? I don't expect anyone to take this seriously because I'm probably just being your typical melodramatic teen. Apologies.

DarkPrayer · 10-18-2007, 07:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Christina_Death1334

Not trying to complain (though I am complaining) but I need to vent, maybe get some advice/support. The past few days have been a bit rough. Nothing particular has happened, 'tis all in my head.

I have been merely feeling down as of late. I don't know why. It could be my MDD or just my regular thoughts. I am very insecure right now about losing my boyfriend (isn't every teen though?). I worry about losing his heart, not him breaking up with me. And the reason is (though it is sad...) because this has occured before.

I also feel a bit worthless because of my lack of skill as a painter. My work has never moved someone. My one wish is to see someone shed but a single tear as they stand before something I have created. I wish to inspire what I was feeling when I painted something in the viewer. But, this will never occur. My paintings aren't worth a damned thing, and I know it. Yet, I try and try though destined to fail.

On top of that (I say this like it's serious...far too dramatic, no?) my mother is nagging. When I say "nagging" I mean calling me a whore, ridiculing me because my boyfriend isn't quite "normal", and asking when I'm going to cheat on him. (Though I can see why she would say this, I cheated on someone with him. I could brush up my morals, I suppose.)

Well, I know I sound whiny but this is the place for whining, is it not? I don't expect anyone to take this seriously because I'm probably just being your typical melodramatic teen. Apologies.

Wow. It sounds really bad. So much info I couldn't read it all without forgetting some of it. But don't give up, and don't back down! Um...and do NOT cheat!

L'Oiseau Noir · 10-18-2007, 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Christina_Death1334

Not trying to complain (though I am complaining) but I need to vent, maybe get some advice/support. The past few days have been a bit rough. Nothing particular has happened, 'tis all in my head.

I have been merely feeling down as of late. I don't know why. It could be my MDD or just my regular thoughts. I am very insecure right now about losing my boyfriend (isn't every teen though?). I worry about losing his heart, not him breaking up with me. And the reason is (though it is sad...) because this has occured before.

I also feel a bit worthless because of my lack of skill as a painter. My work has never moved someone. My one wish is to see someone shed but a single tear as they stand before something I have created. I wish to inspire what I was feeling when I painted something in the viewer. But, this will never occur. My paintings aren't worth a damned thing, and I know it. Yet, I try and try though destined to fail.

On top of that (I say this like it's serious...far too dramatic, no?) my mother is nagging. When I say "nagging" I mean calling me a whore, ridiculing me because my boyfriend isn't quite "normal", and asking when I'm going to cheat on him. (Though I can see why she would say this, I cheated on someone with him. I could brush up my morals, I suppose.)

Well, I know I sound whiny but this is the place for whining, is it not? I don't expect anyone to take this seriously because I'm probably just being your typical melodramatic teen. Apologies.

I can somewhat relate to how you're feeling. No matter what I write, I always think it's worthless and that I'm a terrible, terrible writer. People are always telling me I'm good, but I don't believe them.

And for a bit of advice, whenever I'm feeling anxious and/or worried, listening to music has always been helpful. Or killing things in a video game. But if that's not your cup of tea, then just paint the frustration out; keep painting, just let your heart and mind guide your hand, and you may be surprised at what you can create during your times of despair.

It seems emotion can be a painter/writers/artist-in-general's very source of strength and inspiration. Edvard Munch was a rather emotional, though abstruse painter, and Edgar Allen Poe wrote out his emotions, and look at the glorious works they created through such utilizations.

MotherofMercies · 10-18-2007, 11:46 PM

I can somewhat relate. Like L'Oiseau Noir I'm a writer, but my writing seems little worth. People tell me it’s good. Hell my English teacher said I had some talent. And your Mother, Mothers are meant to nag. My Mother used to call me hopeless etc etc... Perchance she's upset because she didn't have the life she gave you... or something along those lines. Just turn a blind eye (no matter how difficult), pessimism is a natural thing, however if it gets out of hand maybe you need professional help.

spoon! · 10-19-2007, 05:34 AM

Talking is usually the best option. Getting it out in the open early before it explodes into Degrassi-levels of drama. Trust me, I know: Before my girlfriend broke up with me, I'd noticed that she was feeling distant as of late and though it killed me to do so, I had to poke and prod her till she told me what was eating her. And though neither of us were really happy with the outcome, we weren't mad at each other either, which is kind of good.

As far as talent goes, what writer/artist doesn't feel utterly worthless? The best of them all still feels that their work doesn't measure up to the possibility they have in their head. Take Charles M. Schulz, creator of Charlie Brown, Snoopy, and the gang. 50 years and over 17,000 comic strips and yet Schulz could never get over the feeling that what he did was so inconsequential, that it was just pure luck that he managed to stay at it as long as he did. The only person who should really believe in their work, I think, is you. I learned a long time ago that getting a fan's reaction is nice, but if you don't think your output is really worth a damn, or even have faith in it, then you're being unfair to the creation as a whole.

Nagging should like be the #1 job for mother's. That's what they do. Can't change that, to be honest. My mom literally hounded me because my girlfriend wasn't "normal" either, saying in so many words that I deserved better and what not. I finally exploded on her one day after I couldn't take it anymore, and while I lost the battle, we both came to agree that while she wasn't perfect, my girlfriend was my choice and as long as I was happy, it was cool.

Christina_Death1334 · 10-19-2007, 04:54 PM

Thank you all!! I feel a little better now after having read that. It's noce to have people to comfort you. Things between my mother and I cooled off. And it will take quite some time to appreciate my painting.

And between me and my boyfriend:Everything is fine, better than fine really. I am just a little paranoid. With a somewhat good reason. My last boyfriend and I had ALOT of problems!! In fact, he's in my Art class and we had a major arguement in the studio today. He is still mad about the reason we broke up!! How ridiculous!!

Saddiction · 10-19-2007, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DarkPrayer

Wow. It sounds really bad. So much info I couldn't read it all without forgetting some of it. But don't give up, and don't back down! Um...and do NOT cheat!

umm... you must have the short term memory of a worm. I've noticed in other threads that if someone actually happens to express thoughts in 3+ paragraphs, you just don't read it due to being 'lazy', yet you have the energy to contribute to the conversation. Why?

Christina_Death1334 · 10-19-2007, 05:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DarkPrayer

Um...and do NOT cheat!

The person I cheated on wasn't worth too much to me. But that is NOT the reason I did. I was going on a trip with some male friend (and ONLY friends) and my current boyfriend said he thought I would cheat on him. So I did. I know, I have a lack of morals. But who doesn't in modern times? I am also able to make my own morals due to a lack of religion. But I could brush up on them, I suppose...Anyways, this boy treated me poorly and guilt tripped me. He always said how ugly and unintelligient I was. So, he DID deserve it (though by saying this I no doubt sound heartless). And the guy I cheated on him with is still with me and we're doing great. He actually respects me. Really. (Sorry for the lack of paragraphs...Those would have made this a bit easier to read.)

DarkPrayer · 10-20-2007, 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Saddiction

umm... you must have the short term memory of a worm. I've noticed in other threads that if someone actually happens to express thoughts in 3+ paragraphs, you just don't read it due to being 'lazy', yet you have the energy to contribute to the conversation. Why?

Yes, I am lazy and proud of it. Actually, it's pretty much 2+ paragraphs. As for why, because I feel like it. The small parts I read I want to respond to.

maggot · 10-21-2007, 06:59 AM

Why the cock did you say "tis."

Also, you never fucking cheat on anyone. Ever.
Your mom has the right to ridicule you.

I don't care if they didn't mean much to you. I don't care if they were a paedophilic serial rapist or a killer of children. Cheating on someone is one of the most evil things you can do to someone without manipulating the physical world.

You destroy their trust and their life, assuming they care about you.

Example?
Almost every girlfriend I have ever had has cheated on me, so now I can't trust people I'm in a relationship with.

I found a girl I love very very much. I care about her more than myself. Anyway, I had to break up with her, as our relationship was fucked by my inability to trust her, because, hell, who knows? Maybe she cheated on me.

I know she didn't, and that she wouldn't. Unfortunately, I always had the unwanted, uninvited thoughts that she would, and thus could never relax unless I was talking to her. And that drove her crazy.

In other words, bitches like you ruin the lives of people like me.
Go die somewhere.

Methadrine · 10-21-2007, 07:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maggot

Why the cock did you say "tis."

Also, you never fucking cheat on anyone. Ever.
Your mom has the right to ridicule you.

I don't care if they didn't mean much to you. I don't care if they were a paedophilic serial rapist or a killer of children. Cheating on someone is one of the most evil things you can do to someone without manipulating the physical world.

You destroy their trust and their life, assuming they care about you.

Example?
Almost every girlfriend I have ever had has cheated on me, so now I can't trust people I'm in a relationship with.

I found a girl I love very very much. I care about her more than myself. Anyway, I had to break up with her, as our relationship was fucked by my inability to trust her, because, hell, who knows? Maybe she cheated on me.

I know she didn't, and that she wouldn't. Unfortunately, I always had the unwanted, uninvited thoughts that she would, and thus could never relax unless I was talking to her. And that drove her crazy.

In other words, bitches like you ruin the lives of people like me.
Go die somewhere.

Now these are words that everyone should heed. I wouldn't even want my worst enemy to go through that.

Being the Sisters whore that I am, I think these lines says it all...

What you have lost can never be found
Words are just dust in deserts of sound
Everything is lost and your trust lies broken
And the truth is drowned

Words are just dust

Dark Templar · 10-21-2007, 08:31 AM

I dont know you, but as fare as i can tell we are in the same situasjon (eksept that i dont have a girlfriend). Dont listen the things your mother calles to you get to you. It hurtes like Hell, sorry for swearing, but you have to stay strong! Ekspres your emotions through your paintings and dont loos your hope.

Valerius · 10-21-2007, 08:39 AM

I'm sorry, strawberry girl Christine, but I think I just lost some of my respect for you when you said you cheated on your boy just because he said you would.

Case in point, like what maggot said, and mine. Except only two of my ex girls cheated on me. Whatever your real reason for cheating on your boy was, the act itself is really despicable.

Christina_Death1334 · 10-21-2007, 08:53 PM

I won't disagree with the fact that cheating is wrong. I simply HAVE to justify it to myself at times when it bothers me so as not to feel immense guilt (which I truly deserve to have to deal with, seeing as that I brought it on myself). I would never do it again, but I can not look at it as if I was completely wrong. Morally, I was. But as far as saying "I will not be unhappy" I am right.

And like I said, I do need to brush up on my morals. And honestly, you people bitching at me when I do wrong will HELP. I have poor judgement, thus I look to others. So thank you all for trying to keep me in line. I really mean this.

And about saying "Tis": I type the very same way I speak when I talk to myself. It is just a habit. Besides, it's a perfectly good word.

Christina_Death1334 · 10-21-2007, 10:41 PM

I've given some thought to this...We have all sinned before. We are all sinners here. But that does not mean I shouldn't have to atone. (And I mean all of this in a philosophical way rather than religiously.)

But, when you have someone that insults you on a daily basis and expects love in return...what is one to do? I had no right to cheat, but he's no right to complain. He called me fat, ugly, and stupid quite often. I used to cry so much because I thought he didn't love me. (If he did, he had a Hell of a way of showing it!!) Taking all of this into condsideration, cheating wasn't right but it wasn't as if he was perfect and I broke his heart. Rather it was the other way around.

Does this make any sense or am I being self-righteous? Be honest, please, because lying won't help me learn anything.

raggedyanne · 10-21-2007, 10:45 PM

It is my opinion that neither of you were in the right. It does make a bit of sense, but I'm strongly against cheaters no matter what the situation so I'm biased. I agree that if you "sin" it would only be fair to do something to counteract the buildup of negative karma.

Christina_Death1334 · 10-21-2007, 10:55 PM

If it helps, I've been taking some therapy and really learning how to be more 'human'. i've really mellowed out and learned how to handle situations. So I know this, or anything similair, will not happen again. Also, I tend to be self-destuctive (via my actions and words, not self-injury). So, maybe that factors in. I don't know, really. Hell, I'm just 16. Everyone does stupid things at my age. Because teenagers are naive and careless. Two major faults.

And any ideas on how to balance the 'karmic scales'? Because I've no ideas and I feel compelled to right my wrong...

raggedyanne · 10-21-2007, 11:55 PM

You're taking a step in the right direction by talking to a therapist. As for balancing karma, I find that volunteering an a women's shelter helps me put things in perspective and it makes me feel like I've helped at least a little bit. Not only is charity work definitely a karma booster, it counts for high school and college requirements.

Christina_Death1334 · 10-23-2007, 03:14 PM

Well, I just have guilt from it (naturally...). I know I've done wrong, but does everyone think I'm a terrible person? Just wondering...I feel bad but also as if that terrible decision actually led to some good. If I hadn't done it, I would still be with a guy that makes me feel terrible and insults me.

However bad my choice, it at least did have a good outcome (not that that makes it any better).