So I've figured something out about myself as of late...

KontanKarite · 10-30-2007, 06:10 PM

I'm self destructive. I don't cut, I don't burn, I don't self mutilate. I take care of myself for the most part.

I'm emotionally self destructive. It took me a year to be taught the lesson, it seems to have taken me over a little bit of a month to understand it. I LET shit slide.

I don't work well on lust. I haven't wanted or don't remember ever really wanting to "feel" flesh in any capacity. I "lust" for something else. Emotional connections. In fact, I think I'm possibly WORSE than those who objectify each other. I'm addicted to the romance, the emotions, the sweet moments. I will give this stuff away to anyone who I find to be amazing in my eyes. Usually, it is their character, their life stories, their complexities that cause me to want to experience this stuff with them.

What seems to be a normal thing to others is more of... a different kind of lust for me, I think.

She wasn't looking for a relationship, but it was because of where she was at in life. Understandable. But yet, I still have these feelings, you know. When I say that she is beautiful, I don't mean it in any sort of physical way. She is, aesthetically pleasing to the eye, but looks seem to come very secondary to me. But I'm giving this emotional outpouring and "lovey dovey" stuff to someone who really CAN'T give it back. It's not in her best interest at all. It's not her fault. I let that shit go and in it, I hurt myself. I need to learn to stop doing this to myself. I think I need to really work on that whole self respect thing. I'm really not doing myself any favors. I really don't think I would want to deal with the inevitable heart ache that IS to come of this. I need to learn to stop. To really give it some serious thought as to who I give affection to.

In some ways, I consider myself lucky. The ones I couldn't have, have always seemed to be the stuff of myths. Unsung heroes with life stories so much more fantastical than mine. It's nice to know there are good people out there. But I need to stop giving my affection out so readily to the good people that can't give it back. It does me no good I think.

Christina_Death1334 · 10-30-2007, 06:31 PM

I understand how you feel. I used to do the same thing. And then I realized that that was what made me a sweet person. (I have a major ego, right?) And, you seem like you're probably a good guy to be around. One day you'll find someone who returns your afection.

Graveyard.Crow · 10-30-2007, 06:52 PM

What do you mean this person CAN'T give it back?

Christina_Death1334 · 10-30-2007, 06:54 PM

Maybe they have insecurities?

KontanKarite · 10-30-2007, 07:10 PM

They're planning on living in Japan... hence, they can't give it back.

raggedyanne · 10-30-2007, 08:36 PM

I can totally empathize

Steppenwolf · 10-30-2007, 08:48 PM

Don't try to fight yourself , because you'll never win , it's useless ...
Life gives and life takes it again .
But what is better , I mean ... At least you can feel the pain and you can say : I once loved someone ... there is people that can't feel anything except being tortured for their own coldness (yep , they exist I've seen)

I understand the kind of passion you are talking about , and the sadness , but I don't want to post here my solution to this "problem" ... Because it works , but it's not for everyone ...

Steppenwolf · 10-30-2007, 08:48 PM

Perhaps only for madmen? Xo)

KontanKarite · 10-31-2007, 11:59 AM

Well, yea. But it's odd how I find myself to give so freely, the best of my good sides to those who are in no position to give it back. Mayhaps I am afraid to get that in return? It could be possible.

Dancing_in_rain · 11-01-2007, 12:18 PM

Sweetheart, go have a bubble bath. Treat yourself. You deserve love and affection too. I sometimes give myself pretty freely, as in I open up to people only to have them turn me away. it's not easy, but one day, you will find someone who will return all that love too you. All the best. *hugs*

NachtSorcier · 11-01-2007, 12:38 PM

Just don't try to solve it by turning into a shell like me who hisses at people and pushes prospective relationships away.

d.Nox · 11-01-2007, 01:04 PM

You enjoy giving the affection, so go for it. If you get affection in return, that's an added bonus.

With that said, maybe you should look a bit more closely at your motivations (not that you haven't already, just going by what's in your post). Do you, perhaps, somehow seek out those who can't reciprocate, to mask a fear of rejection? Or perhaps you're scared of what a real, two-way romance could ask of you. Or you could be feeding on the self-pity aspect of it--like you said.

Or you could just have more affection to give than suitable targets for that affection.

There's nothing wrong with giving affection freely, per se. After all, it's not like you're going to run out. But there are healthy and unhealthy reasons for doing so.

honeythorn · 11-01-2007, 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NachtSorcier

Just don't try to solve it by turning into a shell like me who hisses at people and pushes prospective relationships away.

You and I appear to have the exact same problem :/

Breathless Horror · 11-01-2007, 03:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by honeythorn

You and I appear to have the exact same problem :/

Me three...

You'll find someone Kontan, you really will. Someone so caring that I can feel it over an internet forum MUST find someone that can make them happy. I refuse to believe otherwise.

Born Again · 11-01-2007, 03:47 PM

Kontan, I couldn't relate to you more. I really didn't understand what it was until I read your post, odd I know.

I could careless about physical relationships because they are so common. Emotional ones seem to last longer and have a more significant meaning. I've also found that when one is cut off, there is no pain in the world that could possibly compare.

In your case, and from similar experiences, it's the fact that she is "unattainable," that makes her so desirable. Everyone wants what they can't have.

But, the quality that you have for emotional connections instead of physical is a very sincere trait to have. Yes, it can be a burden at times because it seems like there is no one out there that can satisfy your desires, or fill in that empty hole that has laid dormant within you for so long. Don't let this quality fade or cause you to question how you really feel. Emotional intuition is the key to finding your soul mate, always keep it open.

I hope you find what you're looking for, there is someone out there for everyone. If you think this is her, don't push, but don't let it slide.

Methadrine · 11-01-2007, 03:52 PM

Great.. then I'm cursed twice since I put as much emphasis in the emotional part as I do in the physical.

Simply put, I love too much then..

DarkGentleman · 11-01-2007, 05:22 PM

Kontan, I totally understand what you're going through, I've been there many times myself. Heartaches are destructive to the point they push to severe depression, drugs, alcohol, and self-harm. I learned some ways to control my emotions whether good or bad. Somehow I have accepted some of the pain to help me become stronger against further emotional pain. I find that forgiving yourself for getting into this is a start to getting over the heartache and then sorting out your feeling afterwards.

I am a sucker for romance and affection myself. I've been told that I'm so naive or gullible where I had been taking advantage and end up getting hurt in the end.

Something in return? I always thought "get what you give" was true, no, it doesn't always happen that way. I have given allot and only wanted simple things in return like "thank you", "I love you too", a hug, OR (which would sound crazy) her hand touching my face and looking into my eyes.

Too much affection was a mistake I made back then after I was told I was "smothering" and I had to step back to give space. I was so emotionally in love with her that gave everything and it only drove her away. I thought not giving enough affection would do that. I learned that emotional romance can have its limits and in the future I know not to overdo it.

I've been single for about 1 1/2 yrs; I do feel ready for romance, as it is something I want to enjoy when a special woman wants to share that with me. I rather go on a number of dates before I get into anything "physical" so that way I know there is a spark there and the affection will go both ways.

If you think you may be selfish Kontan, you're not, it's the one that didn't give back is the selfish one.

This situation reminds me of the song "Hopeless" by Informatik.

Christina_Death1334 · 11-01-2007, 05:59 PM

My boyfriend dated a girl who didn't return his affection (and he's like you, VERY affectionate). It really hurt him inside. But then (and this is not my ego speaking, only what happened) he found me. I returned his affection and he couldn't be happier. One day you will find someone that returns it, I know. it make take a while though. But it WILL happen. ^_^

KontanKarite · 11-01-2007, 06:17 PM

Thanks guys. I appreciate at least the somewhat validation and reading the responses at least lets me know that I'm not alone and that everything that's been said so far has been things that HAS crossed my mind. Every single post. I give relationships a LOT of thought it seems. But it's good to see that others are at least agreeing on some level.

It's not as if she doesn't like me, but it's more so that her life and mine are not exactly in the same place. In that, I can understand that she's being smart. She wont let the separation hurt. I'm wrestling with the idea that if the hurt is worth all the rest. I know this because it WILL hurt. But I also know that if I let myself not feel anything that I miss both the good and the bad. So in another way, I wonder if having is worse than not having if you will.

Christina_Death1334 · 11-01-2007, 06:25 PM

I cannot answer that. I really don't know what is better for YOU. I hope you do choose wisely, though.