Depression: It hits gradually, and then suddenly

[StasisInDarkness]

Two years and one month ago I was a mess...I stayed in my bed (literally) for three weeks, I stopped going to school, I stopped showering. I had never felt so hopeless. I was too scared to leave my house, for I didn't want people to see how disgusting and worthless I was. I couldn't concentrate on anything, I lost all interest in activities, slept for fourteen hours a day...I was a mess. My parents (for at the time I was 16 years of age) sent me to a psychiatric treatment center where I summarily tried to hang myself (and ended up a Code Blue).

Needless to say, I was diagnosed with Major Depression (along with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Anorexia, but those are of little import comparatively) and I spent seven months in an inpatient treatment center "rediscovering my worth" and learning to love myself and life. It was a great experience, and I don't even regret missing almost the entirety of my junior year in high school (which made it difficult, to say the least, to get into the college that I am now attending and loving). I was discharged, and returned to the normal world.

I was cured. I enjoyed my friends and classes and existence in general. I never, ever, thought I'd feel this way again. I took almost a year out of my life to get this "depression" taken care of, out of my system, whatever. I conquered it, but like cancer, I suppose remission is the best I can hope for.

Because I think depression has hit me again, first gradually, then suddenly.

I felt myself falling into all the old patterns, as I curled up in a ball on my dorm bed, and lied to my friends that I was feeling ill. It's like it all came rushing back, the hopelessness, the feelings of shame and loneliness, and the overwhelming, painful sensation that there is no point. To anything.

I have no idea why I felt like this. There is no reason for my depression to have come back. The medication I've been on otherwise has worked perfectly. My boyfriend and friends are amazing. My family is incredibly supportive and kind, and I have improved my relationship with my otherwise toxic mother to the point where we can be in each other's presence without either of us wanting to defenestrate ourselves. I mean, obviously, there are the stresses of being a first-year at college, but I've been doing great, for the most part feeling great.

I love college! I love my boyfriend! I love my family and friends! Depression hits at the most inopportune times. Is this what it's going to be like forever? Will I always have this unwelcome, unexpected guest dropping in on me when I'm otherwise enjoying life? Fifty percent of those diagnosed with major depression relapse, have two-to-three-week periods every couple of years or so, where the depression returns, hits them suddenly, and as suddenly, departs. Should I plan for these debilitating periods of time? Should I plan for my depression to return, and as such, schedule a few weeks off from school or work to accommodate it in advance? What sort of life is that?!

It's fickle, this depression, this Bell Jar, as Sylvia Plath might put it:

"But I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure at all. How did I know that someday--at college, in Europe, somewhere, anywhere--the bell jar, with its stifling distortions, wouldn't descend again?"

Sorry about that, all. I just had to get my thoughts down on (albeit electronic) paper.

[Delkaetre]

Good luck with it. I can't empathise, as my own problems have almost never gotten that bad, but I can offer a bit of sympathy.
You're lucky to have such a supportive group behind you, many who suffer depression don't get such help and understanding. That you have them, at least, should help to make things more bearable for you.
I've been prodded into finally getting appointments with a councellor to sort out my issues before they get any worse than they are now (ie, before I damage myself or my flatmates).

[HumanePain]

Ask your doctor about Lexapro. It worked wonders for me, in three days I was completely back to "normal".

A seratonin inbalance might explain why there seems to be no reason for the onset, as it was in my case.

Best of luck to you.

[Breathless Horror]

Best of luck to you. I hope everything turns out okay! *hugs*

[Post Modern Girl]

Sylvia Plath... maybe you read the Bell Jar too recently then. That would make anyone depressed.

That a side, I hope you're ok. Depression isn't nice. At all.

[Tam Li Hua]

It may be that you just need to readjust your medication. Or, it may be that it is simply recurring as predicted.

Whatever the reason, I hope you feel better soon! [And I'd look into that seratonin thing if I were you; it may explain a lot..]

[DarkPrayer]

I wish you luck with ending your depression. Personally, I have never been depressed or extremely unhappy. Overall, I am a happy person. I still haven't had anyone close to me die yet, but I know my GRanny will in less than 6 months. I'll REALLY be unhappy then.

[maggot]

Did you get out of bed to go to the bathroom?

[Post Modern Girl]

Sex helps increase seratonin levels, but the problem with that is, when I'm depressed, I never feel like sex. It's a vicious cycle.