*fucking sigh*

[Solumina]

Forgive any attention whoring and other unpleasant behavior

For oh the last week or so I have been on a bit of a downward spiral and I really am having trouble functioning. I haven't been this bad for over a year and I really don't know what to do. I haven't done any work outside of class (save for one speech that I spent about 20 min on over the course of a few days) and I have missed about half of my classes for the week. The past four nights I have had dreams about my father and woken up in tears. I have had to walk out of most of the classes that I have made it to so that my classmates wouldn't see me having a breakdown. I don't want Jake to worry and I know that he has his own shit to deal with so I haven't talked to him about it and I have made sure not to wake him up with my crying even though I know it would help. The only person who I have though of talking to is my old psychologist but I just can't get myself to dial her number. I just want to give up for the semester but I would need to get a medical or administrative withdrawal from the semester or else I wouldn't be able to come back. The urge has been so strong that I have been standing at the crosswalk to go to Jakes room and considered walking into traffic so that I would be injured badly enough that they would have to let me medically with draw, I have even started to walk towards the road without really noticing what I was doing, thankfully I have managed to stop myself before actually leaving the sidewalk. Maybe I should just go to the counseling center tomorrow, I just dread the idea of seeing yet another therapist who I will most likely just tell lies

[Solumina]

I must say I do at least feel a little better just getting that out

[Cyberbat]

You need a cookie.

No really, sounds like you need a moment to yourself to relax and get things back in order. You know, deep breath.

Call your dead, see if he is okay. That alone could help with the dreams.

[Stormtrooper of Death]

Yup, just put on some soothing music and think and relax.

[Solumina]

Thanks for the support guys.

I guess I did kind of forget that most of you weren't on here for that two years ago and I kind of left out the back story. May 2005 my father was diagnosed with lung cancer and when he was in the hospital for exploratory surgery one of his major ventricles tore (not the doctors fault it looked like it would have torn on its own fairly soon) and over the course of about 8 hours he essentially had all of the blood in his body replaced. He never recovered enough to be able to come home and January 2 years ago he passed away. I have always been close with my father and it destroyed me. I have always had emotional problems but nothing was ever that bad. I completely shut down and since I have been doing my best to recover and I have had a few minor setbacks but for the most part I have been doing quite well, it just seems like I'm going through one of those setbacks. I just really can't afford to have one at the moment

[HumanePain]

I always think of you smiling and sitting in that tree Solumina. Now that I read this, I remember you discussing your father, and I am sorry. :hugs:

If I may: I think your father would grieve to know you are suffering for his sake. I know he would prefer to have you happy and laughing and climbing trees again.

I know that I as a father take great joy in seeing my own daughter independent and living life her way, apart from me, as that is the nature of life: the old make way for the young.

In honor of your father's memory, do something for yourself, that you enjoy, so you may keep smiles and laughter in his bloodline alive!

[Green.Lady]

*more hugs!*

I'm so, so sorry - I'm very close to my father, too, and I know I'd be as crushed as you if something happened to him. The most I can do is offer a truthful cliché - death may be hard for the living when witnessed, but it is a sigh of relief to those who have passed on who have suffered through illnesses and other hardships. He's watching over you now, and he knows that you're strong enough to make it through this. And so do you, deep down. You've got a long, prosperous life ahead of you and I know that you will make him proud! Good luck on getting a withdrawal from the semester, as it seems like you really do need a break.

Wow, I have tears in my eyes, even though I've never met you. Goodness.

Best of luck and feel better!

[HumanePain]

Originally Posted by Green.Lady

*more hugs!*
...
Wow, I have tears in my eyes, even though I've never met you.

Green Lady, the world could use more empathetic people like yourself! This simple statement makes me like you even though I have never met you either. You obviously have a big heart, with love enough for strangers. Bless you my dear.

[Tam Li Hua]

*big hugs*

I know how you feel, both about the downward spiral and the 2-year deathiversary; my mom also passed away 2 years ago this past January as well, and I still have dreams about her.

I hope you are feeling better today, but even if you aren't, or you just need someone to talk to who understands, feel free to email me.

[Green.Lady]

Originally Posted by HumanePain

Green Lady, the world could use more empathetic people like yourself! This simple statement makes me like you even though I have never met you either. You obviously have a big heart, with love enough for strangers. Bless you my dear.

Aw, thank you! I can honestly say that you're one of the kindest people on this board, Humane, and I can tell that you have tons of love to give as well. Your daughter is very lucky to have you.

[Solumina]

Thanks, you guys really do know just what to say. I am doing better now, not 100% but about 75%. I have talked to a few of my profs (I have been able to keep up my grades in two of my classes so there were only a few that I needed help in) and they were understanding enough that I think I can salvage the semester. I have also set up an appointment with the counseling center which will hopefully help.