My spontaneous abortion and how it doesn't bother me

Zenit · 07-07-2008, 11:47 AM

This is something I feel I need to do, seing how I don't have anyone to talk to here in my physical home.

I've just had a spontaneous abortion. I had sex with my boyfriend, the cells mingeled, my body didn't like it, and shoved the lump of cells out of my left ovary and out of my body. I was hospitalized over this weekend.

Now my life is ruined. Not because my boyfriend left. He wanted to be there with me, giving what little support he could. Not because I am sad for the lump of cells (or "baby", if that's what you prefer). Not because I'm ashamed of what have happened, but because my parents are.

They have made it very clear that I have hurt them in the most horrible way possible, that I have shamed them (also in the most horrible way possible), and that I am in acute their help. Their help mostly consists of denying me things, like seeing my boyfriend, going out of the house, leaving mom alone for more than ten minutes without saying where (in the friggin house) I am, cleaning up my own messes outside the house, and doing other things than being at home and at work.

I am now obligated to never mention this to anybody we/I know, forget it ever happened, take out my nose-piercing, sell my black/weird/unbefitting clothes, and do as I am told. Or else...

I'm not really sure what the "or else"-part entails, but I imagine it to be in the lines of "we'll never talk to you or help you ever again". Which would suck. But this life also suck. I can't hang out with people I like, I can't do the things I like, I can't even display emotions which are unbefitting. This is probably somewhat of an over statement, but I feel like I have to change everything about myself to gain the love of my parents.

That is not to say I totally deny having done a stupid and not very well thought through thing, but do I, because of this, have to be denied everything that I feel makes my life worth living? Man, life is though...

*Disclaimer-thingy* This poster is not suicidal, nor a cutter, nor a self-harmer in any way, just really self-pittying and kinda confused. Also, this poster will not kill her parents*/Disclaimer-thingy*

badteccy · 07-07-2008, 11:59 AM

How old are you? Maybe you should just move out, stay with friends...get a job and whatnot.

Underwater Ophelia · 07-07-2008, 12:26 PM

You're a few days older than I am, and while you were definitely completely irresponsible, your parents can't really make you do anything.

That is, unless they take care of you, in which case, yeah, get over it, because they're giving you a home, and you fucked up.

KontanKarite · 07-07-2008, 12:45 PM

Network. If your family threatens to kick you to the curb because they don't accept you for you, it's time to create a new family.

You need to get out, create an auxiliary network of support.

Get a job, pack some backpacks, couch surf, ect. Sounds like you've got some conditional love thing going on. Go now... find your network of support. You have to have these things. Friends are so very valuable.

Noirette · 07-07-2008, 12:48 PM

I think that denying who you are is the most horrible thing one person can do to himself.

LiUsAiDh · 07-07-2008, 01:03 PM

Why don't people just use contraception?

Crying_Crimson_Tears · 07-07-2008, 06:12 PM

Well seeming as you're 19, you can move out. Find people who love you and want to support you. It seems like your parents love you, they just don't know how to handle this. Try to find a place to stay and don't give up on the life you love.

HumanePain · 07-07-2008, 06:48 PM

:Hugs Zenit:

Sorry. Wish there was something I could say.

Lapin · 07-07-2008, 07:25 PM

Sorry mate. That sounds like not only an extreme amount of physical pain and discomfort, but one hell of an awkward emotional situation.

And I'm sorry you live in Norway. I've got a couch to provide, but I'm in the United States.

Solumina · 07-07-2008, 07:36 PM

I'm very sorry that your parents don't seem to be able to think of how their actions are harming you, I think that you really aren't going to be happy in that house and I doubt that they will change any time soon. Maybe you could move in with a friend until you are able to find a somewhat more permanent solution.

Asti · 07-08-2008, 03:21 AM

Wow, what kind of parents do you have? ó.Ò
Shit happens. That's just life. They really should get over it. I mean: It's not the end of the world or anything.

Noirette · 07-08-2008, 04:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Asti

Wow, what kind of parents do you have? ó.Ò
Shit happens. That's just life. They really should get over it. I mean: It's not the end of the world or anything.

They do care about her, they just think that all of those troubles wouldn't happen if she wasn't so "different". But it's the beauty of each person, as I regard it.

Zenit:
You are old enough to move to a friend's house for a while, and then go search for an apartment for yourself. It's a great advantage(which I personally long to have), so use it.

Izraphael · 07-08-2008, 04:49 AM

Bad things here.

Not only you have lost a child (which is a terrible loss for a girl and has a bad impact on her emotions), but you also have to fight against a family who's using your "mistake" to punish you and to take revenge over your "nose-piercing, sell my black/weird/unbefitting clothes".

Well, I think your parents are dumb to any kind of explanation.
IMHO you have three different way to face the situation:

1. Talk with your parents in a new, unique way. Say everything you can. Tell them you cannot live that way: admit your "mistake" (if you feel it as a mistake) but say also that you won't let them do to you the things they're actually doing, because they're doing wrong things. Ok, you're still young, but not so young. You can choose how to live your life.

2. Change your life. Find a job, a home, ask friends for help. Many people will leave you alone. It will be extremely hard, but then you'll be free forever.

3. Swallow all the shit. If you're not strong enough to make your parents change their mind or to face a new life (and its problems), just swallow everything and wait. You can still enter here and talk with us.
I promise I will listen.

NB: Me ('80) and my girlfried ('88) are currently living with a 14-months-baby-bat running around. Our parents are giving us support, but just after we talked clearly about our future and our (unchangeable) way of seeing it.

Sometimes they try to change our minds

"...Still dressing in black?"
"Yeah, mom..."
"...Someone could think you're a follower of satan..."
"But I'm not, mom..."
"And the music?! That noise will disturb the baby..."
"Moonspell are the best thing to make him sleep, I don't know why."
"And..."

But in fact they surrended to the idea that a goth family is possible.
I work 10 hours per day and she studies. We listen all the "eerie and dangerous and terrible" music we want; a few days ago, we saw a Siouxsie's live performance and *oh, damn* both of us were painted in the face.

And our child always smiles.

Beneath the Shadows · 07-08-2008, 01:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zenit

my body didn't like it, and shoved the lump of cells out of my left ovary and out of my body.

That's not an abortion. That's a miscarriage. And if those cells left your ovary, that's a serious medical condition that could have killed you.

So, either your parents are fucked in the head (and you can tell them I said that), or you have absolutely no clue what you're talking about, which makes me question the validity of anything you said here.

My mind's not made up. I prefer to toe the line due to the subject matter.

Underwater Ophelia · 07-08-2008, 02:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beneath the Shadows

That's not an abortion. That's a miscarriage.

I wondered about that, but thought she was being sarcastic or something.

JCC · 07-08-2008, 02:26 PM

Spontaneous abortion is another name for miscarriage.

Solumina · 07-08-2008, 02:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JCC

Spontaneous abortion is another name for miscarriage.

and she did say that she was hospitalized over the weekend, not exactly standard for an abortion so I kind of figured that it was miscarriage

Beneath the Shadows · 07-08-2008, 02:48 PM

Then she just doesn't know what she's talking about. If the rejected cells were anywhere near her ovaries when the miscarriage occurred, she probably wouldn't even have known about about it. Hell, she probably wouldn't have known that she was pregnant at that stage. It would be like an extra gooey period. If even.

Unless it's one of those cases where the embryo becomes lodged in the fallopian tube and begins to form there (I forget the term for that), in which case, like I said before, it's a serious medical condition which could have killed her.

Solumina · 07-08-2008, 03:50 PM

I believe that the condition you are talking about is an ectopic pregnancy, they really only becomes dangerous as the embryo develops, most end with a miscarriage in the first trimester (but can still be well after a missed period and after the pregnancy is detected) and a miscarriage feels different from a period, the body is actually doing something different. (Endometriosis runs in my family so I have been told all about the joys of ectopic pregnancies)

Aaroneet · 07-08-2008, 06:51 PM

My mother had endometriosis; the doctor told her that she would be unable to have children. A short while later, she became pregnant with me; two years later, my brother.

As for the original post, I'd try to make amends at home. If not, find a network of supportive friends.

AngelikDemonik · 07-08-2008, 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beneath the Shadows

That's not an abortion. That's a miscarriage. And if those cells left your ovary, that's a serious medical condition that could have killed you.

So, either your parents are fucked in the head (and you can tell them I said that), or you have absolutely no clue what you're talking about, which makes me question the validity of anything you said here.

My mind's not made up. I prefer to toe the line due to the subject matter.

Miscarriages are also known as spontaneous abortions.

Shit...nevermind. Someone already said it.

LetheanBlacklight · 07-08-2008, 08:19 PM

^^ hate it when that happens

Solumina · 07-08-2008, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aaroneet

My mother had endometriosis; the doctor told her that she would be unable to have children. A short while later, she became pregnant with me; two years later, my brother.

Wow that doc was kind of an idiot, plenty of women are able to have nice healthy babies even though they have endometriosis, they just have a slightly higher risk of miscarrying

faye_falling · 07-08-2008, 09:15 PM

I can kind of relate to having stubborn parents. Though a lot of people have said to just move out, I don't think that is a good idea. If you just up and left your family and held some sort of grudge without working things out, it would just make things worse. As much as it sucks, I think you should try to strike a compromise so nobody gets hurt in the long run. Family feuds are not fun. Take care.

Beneath the Shadows · 07-08-2008, 09:30 PM

I don't think it's a case of the parents being stubborn. If this is a case of miscarriage due to ectopic pregnancy (thanks, Solumina, for providing the term) or something similar, the situation may have simply scared the shit out of the parents, and their reaction is as described in the OP. I had a similar reaction after my wife and I had our first child. The child had developed partially in the fallopian tube, so his positioning in the uterus put a lot of strain against the vessels of the upper portion of the uterine wall. If left untreated, they would have ruptured, and both my wife and child would have been lost. (Which also made me highly suspicious of those doctors... how could they not realize such a thing until so late into the pregnancy?) After all that, I did everything I could to protect my wife from, well, everything. It was an over-reaction, but almost losing her scared the living shit out of me.