As if we are old.

[JCC]

There is an old man sat by a window
in his home of childhood
and he stares from the window and he looks down at the beach. Silent, shimmering, with white sand and blue seas, and he watches the tide rise and fall, and he watches the sun crash and refract on those foamy waves.

He does not move. He doesn't go for
a piss
or a smoke
or a drink
or a snack
for days he has sat there and stared.
For days he has sat there and reminisced.

There is a young man sat by a window
in his house of childhood and he looks down at the beach.
He reminisces.

A teenager is sat by a window
in his house of childhood and he stares down at the beach.
He reminisces.

A young boy is sat by a window
in what will be his house of childhood and he looks down at the beach.
He waits, patiently, for something to reminisce about.

Oh, how we live as if we are old.

[gothicusmaximus]

I want to see you devote more attention to developing each personage you establish. Consider describing the beach again for every quasi-character, in a way colored by their unique perceptions and contextualizations of the scene in relation to their pasts. While we reflect on our personal histories 'as if we are old' at any age, the manner in which we do so certainly changes over time.
I also support omitting the 'young man' example. Not only is there little practical difference between young men and teenagers, the use of both 'young man' and 'young boy' can jar the reader somewhat.

[JCC]

I deliberately avoided describing the beach again because I wanted it to be bare. The poem was about how people don't really tend to live their lives, they just meander through, remembering what people have told them to do or told them to say or told them to think. I described the beach for the old man because I think he's the only one with any right to pause and remember.

[gothicusmaximus]

Originally Posted by JCC

I deliberately avoided describing the beach again because I wanted it to be bare. The poem was about how people don't really tend to live their lives, they just meander through, remembering what people have told them to do or told them to say or told them to think. I described the beach for the old man because I think he's the only one with any right to pause and remember.

I think you could convey that fact through nuances in description, highlighting the banality or incompleteness of their memories or understanding in comparison to the old guy. Right now it feels a bit uneven, even though that's a stylistic choice, I still feel somewhat unsatisfied.

[Apathy's_Child]

Great stuff, as usual.

The young man......... younger man, perhaps? Middle-aged man? Man? If anything, I'd strike teeager and keep young man, which would cover the phases of life more fully. Anyhow, I'd go for GM's advice of some description of the beach, though personally I'd keep it limited to an extra word or two to highlight the bareness of the beach for the others.

[HumanePain]

I liked the concept, and I too felt that young man and teenager was redundant.
But a concept rich with potential.

[BloodyLivingVampire]

Awesome!!!

[JCC]

Decided to rework this too and take some suggestions on board:

There is an old man sat by a window
in his home of childhood
and he stares from the window and he looks down at the beach. Silent, shimmering, with white sand and blue seas, and he watches the tide rise and fall, and he watches the sun crash and refract on those foamy waves.

He does not move. He doesn't go for
a piss
or a smoke
or a drink
or a snack
for days he has sat there and stared.
For days he has sat there and reminisced.

There is a young man sat by a window
in his house of childhood and he looks down at the beach.
The sea is only a paddling pool, the white sand shabbily
stretched over visible concrete foundations.
He reminisces.

A young boy is sat by a window
in what will be his house of childhood and he looks down at the beach.
Nothing but pebbles.
He waits, patiently, for something to reminisce about.

[pijanbalkan]

why not repeat simply the description of the old man's beach? it would insist on the fact that everybody act the same (that is to say as an old man).
but maybe it would get a little bit too repetitive so maybe you could slightly change the descriptions gradually (but not too much)??????? (if you change them gradually it would then be better to keep a 4th person (with another name than young man, maybe middle aged man?) to have more time to devellop the gradation......

[JCC]

I wanted to emphasize the point that people with so much ahead shouldn't focus on a relatively bare past.

[JCC]

Nobody have anything else to say on the rewrite?

[Disaffected Shoelaces]

Now THIS rewrite is awesome. Good job.