People. Augh...

[Tam Li Hua]

This is going to be a bit of a rant, so feel free to skip if you don't want to read it.

I just don't have much patience in regards to other people any more. I used to have a TON of patience...perhaps too much. But after a few rather draining friendships wherein I was a "best friend"/counselor, and the other person simply had no desire to actually change their life for the better, I think I snapped.

I -want- to be nice and to care about what folks are going through, but I feel like I've lost the ability. When I lost my mom 2 1/2 years ago, I felt like a piece of myself died along with her; even though her addiction made all of us miserable, I still loved her, and when I mourned her, it was more like I was mourning the person she could have been if she had actively tried to fight the addiction instead of the person I got.

And, I guess in a way, I felt partially responsible that I wasn't able to convince her to change.

After that, I had a hard time wanting to 'help' anyone through anything. If someone else was going through a bad time emotionally, I would run away from them, even if they were an old friend. I still feel terrible about that, but I don't know what I need in order to change. :/

And then there's ridiculously difficult people, who aren't pleased with -anything-. If I try to help, then I'm a bad guy. If I decide to step away, I'm a bad guy. If I exist at all, I'm a horrible person that deserves nothing less than all of their hatred. [This mostly happens on the Internet, which I try not to take too seriously. :P]

I know that I've said a lot of this before in different parts of G.net, but I hope you'll forgive me for getting it out for the upteenth time. ^^;;;; And sorry if anyone finds this terribly offensive; I certainly don't mean it that way.

Thanks for your time and understanding.

[Kristin]

I can just say that I know exactly where you're coming from. There isn't a person on this earth who hasn't run across the kind of people you're describing, many times in fact. Sucky people are everywhere. Sad and annoying fact of life. LOL I have to deal with them all the time in my line of work, people who have had a bad day or feel their life sucks or are just turds in general, they think it's perfectly acceptable to take it out on the lowly people who serve them their food. I do have one thing to say: don't ever make your server mad. I've never done anything to anyone's food personally, but I've heard stories. LOL

I'm sorry about your mom. A wound like that never heals, it might get better in time but it never really goes away. So I can understand that you might be feeling fragile now, or like you can't give any of yourself to others who don't appreciate it. Or those who suck the energy out of you. There's a term for them, emotional vampires I think.

I'm losing my mom too, but just to a different location. She's moving out of state, and I've never lived far away from her all my life. She's my best friend--when she's not driving me nuts. LOL This year has been a bad one for both of us, because she walked into her husband's cabinetry shop last October to find him hanging--so we've been each other's support system ever since. My husband told me last week that I've fallen apart this year. It only took me this long to realize that I'm not really holding myself together well at all!

If there's one thing I learned, it's that sometimes all you need to do for someone is just listen. If you can't do anything else or aren't ready to try to help harder, then maybe a listening and understanding ear is what they need. If they're still upset with you or heap on you tons of steaming piles of hatred, then they're not worth your time! One more thing I learned: you gotta take care of #1 (yourself) first.

And, I guess in a way, I felt partially responsible that I wasn't able to convince her to change.

I do understand what you're saying. Another terrible lesson my mom learned is that you can't change anyone if they're not ready to change themselves. Believe me, she tried to help her husband with his mental issues until she nearly ended up in the grave herself, and how did that end? He still didn't change, because he didn't want to or couldn't. You're NEVER responsible for anyone else's actions, so let go of your guilt. If you need me to pound that into your consciousness, I will!

[$haDe]

Okay...

Did u get it all !!!

Now how can i going to explained?!?!

[Tam Li Hua]

Kristin: *giant hugs* That's for both understanding, and for what you and your mom have been going through.

I know it's not my fault, and usually I don't feel bad about it. I mean, I feel I did the best I could given the situation. It -was- her choice to live her life the way she wanted, and there was nothing anyone could do to change her mind.

As for grieving, I guess I still have my sister's voice in the back of my head, and that it says that if I was -really- an adult, I'd have all this stuff figured out by now, and I wouldn't still be affected by it so terribly. I know that's not true, though. [Not that my sis has it all together: four failed marriages, dropped out of high school [though she did get her GDA], and works at a grocery store at the age of 48. :P]

Hah hah! Emotional vampires! My best friend and I came up with that term some time ago, and it's spot on! ^__^ I think that part of me is scared that if I listen to someone's problems, then I'll be dragged into whatever situation they're dealing with, because I feel awkward telling them "No, I can't really help other than listen. No, I don't want to go with you to the birth control center/to confront your parents with you/to agree with you that he was a jerk when I haven't even met him."

I think I'm slowly growing towards wanting to be there for folks, though; I just joined a church again, so maybe the social interaction will be good to help me figure out how to tackle this wall.

I'm sorry to hear that your mom is moving! Will you guys still be able to keep in contact?

[Tam Li Hua]

Originally Posted by $haDe

Okay...

Did u get it all !!!

Now how can i going to explained?!?!

I'm sorry Shade, I'm not sure what you're asking here.

[$haDe]

I think I confused myself

I am about to post when I saw Kristin's

She got it all

And I have nothing to say but "Don't take it too serious,try playing 'the one who need help's role' that will make u see another point of view "

[Tam Li Hua]

Thank you for the advice, $hade. That's what I usually do, but it can be draining if I do it with an emotional vampire too often. x_x;;;

[Kristin]

Well, I'm 35 and I don't have stuff figured out either. When my mom was going through the worst of it, I felt like a little kid again, way out of my league. It's really scary for even an adult child to see their parent totally lose it. I sometimes wonder if I have PTSD or some kind of stress disorder related to all this, because I used to be a teeny bit stronger. Now it doesn't take much to make me fall apart, so that's why I'm so scared that my mom is moving. She's my support system. My husband, I love him, but he's a spaz. He doesn't know what to do to help. LOL

Yeah, my mom and I will keep in touch probably every day, but it's going to suck to only be able to visit her a couple times a year. I should be happy for my sister though, that it's her turn to live near her. But it was my sister's idea to move to Idaho in the first place, so she started it. My mom is going to fly me out for a week just by myself after she gets settled in! :-D

About the emotional vampires, sometimes there's nothing you can do to help. They're digging their own holes and sometimes they don't even want help, they just want someone to feel sorry for them. I work with someone like that, all he does is whine and complain, but you can't help him because it just makes him happy to gripe, and he does nothing to change his situation.