joke thread... - Page 3

Murasaki eyeliner · 08-28-2008, 11:13 AM

this one, like all the best jokes ,is stolen.....

There was a ship out in the ocean, and the guy up in the crow's nest says, "Enemy ship ahead!"

The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt."

And the servant says, "Uh... okay."

So he gets the captains red shirt, and the captain puts it on. And as the battle proceeded, they didn't loose one sailor.

At the end of the battle, the servant comes up and says, "Before the battle, you said to bring you your red shirt. Wh- Why your RED shirt?"

And the captain says, "Because, if I happen to be shot, and started bleeding, the sailors wouldn't see the blood and would continue to fight on!"

The sailor said, "Oh! That's brilliant, right there!"

The next morning, the guy in the crow's nest yells, "20 enemy ships ahead!"

The captain then said, "Bring me my brown pants!"

$haDe · 08-29-2008, 01:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Murasaki eyeliner

this one, like all the best jokes ,is stolen.....

There was a ship out in the ocean, and the guy up in the crow's nest says, "Enemy ship ahead!"

The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt."

And the servant says, "Uh... okay."

So he gets the captains red shirt, and the captain puts it on. And as the battle proceeded, they didn't loose one sailor.

At the end of the battle, the servant comes up and says, "Before the battle, you said to bring you your red shirt. Wh- Why your RED shirt?"

And the captain says, "Because, if I happen to be shot, and started bleeding, the sailors wouldn't see the blood and would continue to fight on!"

The sailor said, "Oh! That's brilliant, right there!"

The next morning, the guy in the crow's nest yells, "20 enemy ships ahead!"

The captain then said, "Bring me my brown pants!"

BWAHAHAHA!!

Geoluhread · 08-29-2008, 02:49 AM

A pilot was talking through the speakers to the passengers in the plane during a flight, when suddenly he screamed "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO? HOW ARE WE GOING TO LAND NOW?!!" the passengers went dead silent...
A few minutes later the pilot spoke, "I'm sorry but the stewardess spilt coffee all over and you should see what happened to the front of my white pants"
An angry passenger stood up yelling "THE FRONT OF YOUR PANTS? You should see what happened to the back of mine!!!!"

NightmareInShiningArmour · 08-29-2008, 04:35 AM

Don't get it...

Geoluhread · 08-29-2008, 04:45 AM

He Shit his pants

NightmareInShiningArmour · 08-29-2008, 05:18 AM

OHHH I thought it was hinting at something about the hostess sexifying him.

(heartofflames) · 08-29-2008, 09:25 AM

Q: What did the egg say when it was boiled?
A: I was just laid and now I'm getting hard.
<sigh> good times....

$haDe · 08-30-2008, 08:42 AM

A guy dream of god giving him a car
"This is the fastest car.Run it with the word 'Thank god',Stop it with 'Praise the lord' " said God

In the morning,This guy found himself standing infront of a car in his yard.

He jumped on it,excitingly,and says "Thank god"
The car run amazingly fast away from town

After a few minute,It is running toward to cliff

"OMG What will i do...wait wait wait!!! I knew!!" Shouted the guy
"Praise the lord!!!"

The car stop right on the cliff's edge
"That was close,Thank god"

He fall and die.

Nocturne Midnight · 08-30-2008, 09:37 AM

Stole this.

Ted was at the bar and he had been drinking for hours, like 7 or 8. Suddenly he falls out of his chair, right on his face. The Bartender says to him:
"Listen, you're gonna hvae to go home now, I can't serve you anymore liquor. You're far too drunk."
So Ted starts crawling to the door. He tries to stand up and falls right back down on his face and he relaizes he's too drunk too walk. He reaches up and turns the handle and crawls outside. He's thinking to himself
"Okay Ted, you can do this. The house is three blocks away. Just get up and walk home like a man."
Goes to stand up and falls down again. He realizes he's going to have to crawl home. When he finally reaches his house his stomach is scraped up, his shirt is torn and his hand are very bloody. He reaches up and tries to turn the handle, but it's locked. Luckily he has a doggy door and manages to squeeze himself through. He's on the floor of his house and he sees the stairs. He tries to get up and walk up the stairs but he falls down face first and manages to break a couple of teeth this time. Crawls up the stairs, enters the bedroom and figures he'll try one more time to stand and get into bed but to no avail. Passes out right beside the bed.
Next morning he wakes up to his wife hovering over him. She's saying
"Ted. Ted wake up. You were drunk again last night I know it."
Ted says
"No, no I was just having a good time playing pool."
His wife says
"No you weren't, the bartender called this morning and said you left your wheelchair there again."

Geoluhread · 08-30-2008, 09:56 AM

OMG!! I laughed hard
That was a good one ^

A man has been cheating on his wife with his secretary... He spent the entire afternoon making love to her at her house, when he finally realized he was late and had to go home, he told his secretary to go to the back yard and put dirt on his shoes, so they look dirty... She did and he went home
His wife asks "where the hell have you been?!!", he said "i'm cheating on you with my secretary and we kept having sex all afternoon"
His wife looks at his shoes and responds angrily, "YOU LIAR!! You've been playing golf again!!"

$haDe · 08-30-2008, 10:12 AM

^ What a wife

>w<

Geoluhread · 08-30-2008, 10:23 AM

A man was walking on the beach when he suddenly found a bottle sticking out of the sand, he rubbed it, and a geney(sp?) Came out saying your wish is my command, the guy stood quiet for a bit, and said "i want... I want... Peace in the middle east" the geney said, "well, somethings are just impossible to happen"... The guy thought for a moment then said "my wife never gave me oral sex, i want her to change her mind"
The geney thought then said, "how exactly do you define peace?"

Duane · 08-30-2008, 10:41 AM

What flops worse than a flat tire?

Batman and Robin! Lolz *Is covered in rotten vegetables*

$haDe · 08-30-2008, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Geoluhread

A man was walking on the beach when he suddenly found a bottle sticking out of the sand, he rubbed it, and a geney(sp?) Came out saying your wish is my command, the guy stood quiet for a bit, and said "i want... I want... Peace in the middle east" the geney said, "well, somethings are just impossible to happen"... The guy thought for a moment then said "my wife never gave me oral sex, i want her to change her mind"
The geney thought then said, "how exactly do you define peace?"

*Genie*

Oww!! poor man,2 sec later --> Wahahaha!!!

Geoluhread · 08-30-2008, 11:20 AM

Lol
Thanks shade, and your ave is smokin'!!

Semus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them and they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, hang on, i have an idea. He went next door to the butchers and came out with one big sausage.
Semus said, are you crazy, now we don't have money at all!!. Murphy said. Don't worry, just follow me.

He went to the pub where he immediatly ordered two pints of "whatever whisky". Semus said, now you lost it, do you know how much trouble we'll be in? We haven't got any money!!
Murphy said with a smile, don't worry, i have a plan. Cheers!!
They downed their drinks, and Murphy said, "ok, i'll stick the sausage through my zipper, and you go down your knees and put it in your mouth". Said and done
The barman noticed them and threw them out.

They continued this pub after pub getting more and more drunk and all for free.
At the tenth pub, Semus said "Murphy, i don't think i can do anymore of this. I'm pissed and my knees are killing me"
Murphy said "what do you think i feel?!! I lost the sausage in the third pub!!"

$haDe · 08-30-2008, 11:31 AM

HOLY .... !!!! <please,fill in>
*Dying of laughter*

Now,This is what i called joke

Geoluhread · 08-30-2008, 12:03 PM

Three men walk into a jungle and encounter a barbaric tribe, the tribe brings the three men into the village to present them to the tribe leader. The tribe leader goes to the first guy and says "Death or Boogaloo?". The first one said to himself "i don't want to die i don't want to die" so he chose Boogaloo . The tribe leader yells "Boogaloo" and the tribe starts fucking him in the ass, the leader goes to the second guy and says, death or Boogaloo? The second guy also tells himself, i don't want to die. So he answers Boogaloo as well... The tribe leader yells out Boogaloo and they start fucking him in the ass as well. The leader goes to the last guy and says death or Boogaloo? He says to himself "i just witnessed my friends get fucked in the ass and i don't want it getting repeated, i'd rather die" the third guy chose death.
So the tribe leader yells out " death ...... By BOOGALOO!!"

$haDe · 08-31-2008, 01:01 AM

^ Wahahaha!!!

If i die of laughing,Geo
It's all your fault

HAHAHAHA!!!!

Corpsey · 08-31-2008, 05:03 AM

A German Grandfather was interested to see what his Grandson was doing spending all his time on a computer. He learnt all about msn and the great advantages of the interweb.

"So, is this how young people waste their time these days, having fun? When I was your age, I went to Paris! Me and my mates went to the Moulin Rouge, took all their beer, fucked all their dancing girls, and pissed in their beer bottles and had the time of my life!", says the Grandfather.

Two weeks later, the Grandfather once again goes to visit the Grandson, but to his dismay finds him bruised and battered.

"What the hell happened to you?"

"I decided to have some fun like you did Grandad. Me and my mates went to the Moulin Rouge, stole all their beer, fucked all the dancing girls and pissed in their beer bottles... and they beat the living shit out of us!"

"Who the hell did you take with you?"

"Just a few of my mates.."

"Boy, you don't do that! When I went there I went with the Waffen Schutz-Staffel!"

Disaffected Shoelaces · 08-31-2008, 06:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Corpsey

A German Grandfather was interested to see what his Grandson was doing spending all his time on a computer. He learnt all about msn and the great advantages of the interweb.

"So, is this how young people waste their time these days, having fun? When I was your age, I went to Paris! Me and my mates went to the Moulin Rouge, took all their beer, fucked all their dancing girls, and pissed in their beer bottles and had the time of my life!", says the Grandfather.

Two weeks later, the Grandfather once again goes to visit the Grandson, but to his dismay finds him bruised and battered.

"What the hell happened to you?"

"I decided to have some fun like you did Grandad. Me and my mates went to the Moulin Rouge, stole all their beer, fucked all the dancing girls and pissed in their beer bottles... and they beat the living shit out of us!"

"Who the hell did you take with you?"

"Just a few of my mates.."

"Boy, you don't do that! When I went there I went with the Waffen Schutz-Staffel!"

Bwahahahaha.

Geoluhread · 08-31-2008, 06:35 AM

A father telling his son "when Napolion was your age, he was the first on his class"
The son replied "and when he was your age, he was the empiror of France"

Geoluhread · 09-02-2008, 10:30 AM

Saul is working in a store when he hears a booming voice from above "saul, sell your business". He ignores it. It goes on for days "Saul sell your business for 3$ million", after weeks of this, he relents and sells his store. The voice says "Saul, go to las vegas". He asks why, the voice says "Saul take the 3$ million to Las Vegas", he obeys, goes to a casino. The voice says "Saul, go to the blackjack and put it all down on one hand". He hesitates but knows he must. He dealt an 18. The dealer had a six showing. "Saul take a card", what? The dealer has -- "Take a card!!". He tells the dealer to hit me. He gets an ace, Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card" What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!". He asks for another card. It's another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card" the voice commands. But i have twenty, Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me, says Saul. He gets another ace. Twenty one!!
The booming voice goes "Holy unbelievably!!!!"

Nocturne Midnight · 09-13-2008, 11:59 PM

I like this one.

"Waiter! Waiter! There's a dead squid in my soup!"
"It's not dead Sir, it's just dreaming."

Saya · 09-14-2008, 10:34 AM

And now for a Newfie joke!

A man and a Newfie were patients in a mental hospital. While walking around the hospital swimming pool, the man fell in and sank to the bottom. The Newfie immediately jumped in after him, and saved him. Hearing about the heroic act the director of the mental hospital decided the Newfie should be discharged.

When he went to tell him, he said "I've got good news and bad news. You have displayed great courage and you've shown you were able to rationally respond to a crisis, so we have decided its time for you to be discharged. The bad news is is that the man you saved hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him."

The Newfie replied, "Oh no, he didn't hang himself, I put him up there to dry. So, how soon can I go home?"

rigpoe · 09-14-2008, 04:57 PM

Q: What's the difference between a sack of babies and a Mercedes?

A: I don't have a Mercedes in my garage.