In the arms of Morpheus

[Jillian May Scortfil]

Tucked safely in my bed
With a book of mystery in my hands
I hear the distant barks of dogs
And the tiny little bats
Flying around outside my window
I read on, taking in every single word, every letter
Until Morpheus comes to claim my drowsy mind;
That’s when I put my book aside
Take off my glasses; the room becomes a blur;
And slip off to the land of dreams
In the arms of Morpheus…

[MitsyMayhem]

I don't think there's any imagery here, that and you could up your vocabulary to the next level. It's not absolutely wretched, though I don't see any real uniqueness or anything that stands out.

[Jillian May Scortfil]

That was just a typical night of mine, formed in the shape of a "free poem" - which is not a poem exactly, I know... Anyway, I had been doing just that, reading and listening to the late night sounds and then I was "struck" with the idea to write it down before I went to sleep...

[JCC]

Free poetry is Rimbaud's later work.

This is words that don't communicate anything.

[Jillian May Scortfil]

I think I already mentioned it's not exactly a poem... *sighs*

[Underwater Ophelia]

Poem or not, it's not very sophisticated.
It makes no use of literary devices, and while you use the name "Morpheus," you show you have little knowledge of the deity save for reading the first paragraph of a Wikipedia article.

[TheBloodEternity]

This reads like a summary of your nightly ritual that you just chopped up into lines.

[MitsyMayhem]

Don't take this as an insult, but I did a five minute rewrite.
I often rewrite other people's things, and it bothers some people.

Reclining securely in a shielding throng of sheets
Possessing a baffling prose between calm hands
Ears one with the resonance of moon-driven canines
And the infinitesimal ebony sharp winged avian
Twitter outside segregating crystal
Eyes accumulate every word, every letter
Until Morpheus comes to declare a somnolent mind;
Literature is effortlessly forgotten
Amputation of round sight-bequeathing devices; surroundings distort
Consciousness fleas to a milieu surreal
In the tender arms of Morpheus…

And I know nothing of Morpheus, if I did, I would have added a bit in there.

[MitsyMayhem]

*flees

~~~~~~~~~~~~

[TheSomnambulist]

Why would you rewrite someone else's poem?

[Despanan]

Alright guys, that's enough of a beatdown, It's not good, but it's certainly not the worst thing I've ever seen here.

JMS: Do bats REALLY fly around your window every night when you are getting ready for bed? I think what everyone is objecting to is that your work, as a whole, is pretty shallow.

Here, it's like you're trying to write a bit of "slice of life" prose, but you're worried that it's not "Exciting" or "Gothic" enough, so you tack on a bunch of bats and mythological references to goth it up.

Essentially what I'm telling you, is you don't need to try so hard. Just give us the Poem you've got, and don't try to make it "Gothic" or "Romantic" or anything like that. The surface will come on it's own if you're being honest with us and yourself.

Basically, try to focus on substance before form and your work should improve.

You obviously like to write poetry, so Keep working at it.

[MitsyMayhem]

Originally Posted by TheSomnambulist

Why would you rewrite someone else's poem?

Because I like too.

[MitsyMayhem]

Originally Posted by Despanan

Alright guys, that's enough of a beatdown, It's not good, but it's certainly not the worst thing I've ever seen here.

I didn't think my first post was much of a beatdown, but if it seemed like it, I apologize.

[Underwater Ophelia]

Originally Posted by MitsyMayhem

Because I like too.

It's pretty rude to do that without asking the writer's permission first, I think.

[MitsyMayhem]

Originally Posted by Underwater Ophelia

It's pretty rude to do that without asking the writer's permission first, I think.

I'm tempted to argue, but that is sort of true. I wouldn't mind if someone did it to me, but that is just me.

[Jillian May Scortfil]

To MitsyMayhem:

I don't like at ALL what you wrote, and re-writing my poem was something of a rude and disrespectful move... Do it again, and I'll have your head for breakfast! (And, yes, I do take this as an insult, and a bad one, at that!) P.S.: Morpheus was an ancient Greek god, the God of Sleep and Dreams, who could take the form of any human or animal.

To Despanan:

I live at the foot of a hill, and there are quite a lotof trees around here. Small bats do live on trees, you know... And, despite their size, their shrieks are quite annoying...

To TheBloodEternity:

So what? If I like to chop things into lines, it's my right to do so...

[Despanan]

You get head for breakfast? Sweet.

Even if those bats actually are flying around your window, you said it in a very cliched way. There are better, more poetic ways to describe that.

Anyway, I know people went after you a little harshly, but you need to stop being so defensive about your work. If you keep up an attitude like that you'll never improve. Don't be so touchy about what you create, loving a piece is a serious mistake, and loving a reputation is death.

You don't have to take every suggestion to heart, but you don't need to justify what you do either.

When it comes to art, no matter how good you are, someone is going to tell you it's crap. Look at the comment, evaluate it, and take what you feel is constructive. There's always room to improve.

If you want to get really good you need to strike that balance between a healthy ego, and being a self-involved twit.

[TheBloodEternity]

Originally Posted by Jillian May Scortfil

To TheBloodEternity:

So what? If I like to chop things into lines, it's my right to do so...

Wow. That wasn't my point. At all.

[TheBloodEternity]

Originally Posted by Despanan

You get head for breakfast? Sweet.

Even if those bats actually are flying around your window, you said it in a very cliched way. There are better, more poetic ways to describe that.

Anyway, I know people went after you a little harshly, but you need to stop being so defensive about your work. If you keep up an attitude like that you'll never improve. Don't be so touchy about what you create, loving a piece is a serious mistake, and loving a reputation is death.

You don't have to take every suggestion to heart, but you don't need to justify what you do either.

When it comes to art, no matter how good you are, someone is going to tell you it's crap. Look at the comment, evaluate it, and take what you feel is constructive. There's always room to improve.

If you want to get really good you need to strike that balance between a healthy ego, and being a self-involved twit.

*snickers*

The rest is quoted for truth.

[MegearaErotica]

Originally Posted by Despanan

You get head for breakfast? Sweet.

Damn, this makes me remember good times with my ex... I'm sorry, my fingers have a mind of their own.

[Jillian May Scortfil]

alright...

[JCC]

It's not true for a start.

Morpheus cannot claim your 'drowsy' mind, to be drowsy is to be tired and on the verge of sleep, half-asleep, Morpheus has no power external to dreams, requiring a full sleep. Think of him as the Freddy Kruger of the Greeks.

I don't like the poem either, but at least be correct with your references.

[Apathy's_Child]

I don't see what's rude about rewriting a poem. It's just another way of suggesting your ideas to someone.

[Godslayer Jillian]

In all fairness, Misty's bettering of the poem just made it more adorned.
It said the same things but with more flourishes.
So that's not really "bettering" after all. It's the analogous version of people in the boards that try to hide their lack of a thought-out opinion by becoming increasingly verbose.

[MitsyMayhem]

Originally Posted by Godslayer Jillian

In all fairness, Misty's bettering of the poem just made it more adorned.
It said the same things but with more flourishes.
So that's not really "bettering" after all. It's the analogous version of people in the boards that try to hide their lack of a thought-out opinion by becoming increasingly verbose.

That was exactly what I was trying to do. I didn't want to 'change' what the author had written in meaning, or just in general. I wanted to say the exact same thing the original author had said, because it is their poem.

But I do apologize since redoing it offended the author, even if I wouldn't be personally offended. If someone can do what I do even better than I can, I'd try to learn instead of being upset. Not to say mine is better than the author's, but just that I take things as a learning experience more than anything.