Claudia or Maria.

[Apathy's_Child]

Originally Posted by gothicusmaximus

I want to know more about the narrator, too-- you mention her father early on, but the thread is dropped. Dimensionalize her, give us more clues as to what her life is like.

Yeah, definitely. The first detail about her father was excellent - I'd suggest not overdoing the autobiographical aspect (as it's not really the point), but just dropping in a couple more details. Maybe something she sees on her walk could spark off a brief memory, for example - although "brief" is the watchword here, as fleshing out the character TOO much would remove the quality I enjoyed about it. She's an enigma, I don't know too much, and I don't WANT to know too much. However, I would like a couple of details about her personality and life which add to the narrative while leaving plenty to the imagination, like the line about her father.

[MitsyMayhem]

I have to disagree about the adding more personal details. This is only because the point of this story is about ambiguous obsession. It's not really about either character and more about how one views the other and how that single character is absolutely mesmerized with an ordinary individual, who hold no godly or surreal qualities about her. The last thing I want is for this story is for it to become too personal. It's a short story, and because of it's length it needs to get the message across rather quickly. In a novel, I can see otherwise. Then I would like more personal details, because then one will have to live with this character for the rest of book and one would need a character with deep human interactions and feelings to hold any interest to the reader.

[NightmareInShiningArmour]

I love short stories. I love to imagine the scene in my head, adding detail to everything I see in my mind's eye.

The story seemed to have no point but still kept me interested and the detail made everything so easy to imagine.
Great story
More please?

[noveleigh]

This was a great short story, Ophelia. I can never quite pull off first person, which makes me admire the authors that can. I, like some of the other people here, am curious about the character and father. The small detail at the beginning made me ponder what her home life was like; if her father was just startled from being awoken suddenly or if he was just a pissed off man from the get-go. Anyway, great job on this. It was very enjoyable.